Dana's bday

Mouse,

I know I said friends and family are more important & that I was going to see Uncle Bri tonight, along with Dana's two brothers & some other friends, to celebrate her birthday, but I didn't end up going.

I guess when I found out they were going to a bar & then "celebrating" some more afterwards I decided not to. I could say the reason is because I have to be at work tomorrow at 9, or that's it's a far drive & I don't want to drink & drive or feel like chaperoning a bunch of mostly grown men around...

But the real reason...that was bothering me, even on the day of her memorial service....is that my beautiful friend died because of drinking. It was a seizure that took her life, but they were caused my her drinking. :(

I just couldn't bring myself to go and pretend to enjoy myself, having visions in my head of her passing the way they said she did.

And you know how I feel about drinking my mouse.

We have experienced & witnessed first hand the damage & destruction it can cause. To think my childhood friend in those last stages of her life, under the grips of that hateful disease; alcoholism...it just breaks my heart.

I couldn't justify drinking to celebrate in her honor. I couldn't hold in my hand the very thing that killed her. :(

Maybe I'm just being over dramatic. Maybe she would be ok with that. The old Dana I knew, the one from high school I know would be. Even the old me from high school would be too.

But I didn't know her in her last few years of living. And since high school I have seen & lived enough of that lifestyle to never want to relive it.

It makes me wonder....how would the new Dana, the one I didn't know really feel about her loved ones getting drunk on her birthday? Was she suffering and begging for help on her last years, months, weeks, days, hours or minutes leading up to the moment she took her last breath? If so, how would it make her feel now watching all of us?

I don't know my angel. I can only speak for myself & not everyone else. We all grieve differently. I can't judge or impose my thoughts to Uncle Bri or her brothers...so I just do it here, with you.

If you see her, please tell her I was going to write a letter too. But there is so much I want to say there would be pages and pages.

For tonight, just tell her Happy 39th birthday in Heaven. <3

I know she's there because the God I believe in doesn't make humans weak to addiction, lets them live a life of hell on earth & just throws away their souls when they're done....

If he is a loving & forgiving God, she is up there not too far from you. Taking care of babies & kids, just like you (because she loved them just like you), or playing with fairies, or is a fairy too.

In that Heaven, she is still beautiful, happy & free. Smiling her gorgeous smile with love radiating from her eyes.

I love & miss you both.

Forever.

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