Triggers

My beautiful girl,

I finally have a moment to sit & write. It's been so busy, but no matter the day, I'm always thinking of you.

We have been living in between two worlds since you left....and these past couple weeks are no exception. In one world, we continue with the everyday life; going to school & work. With mundane activities like chores & errands keeping us busy. With occasional fun & special moments that help us continue.

Which on one hand we shouldn't take for granted. Because at least we have jobs & have school. At least we are moving forward in this thing called life. Where even small things mean or eventually turn into big things...

But this other dark world, this new painful one where everything is upside down...we are still strangers. We often get lost & struggle each & everyday. These two worlds have collided & we are learning to live in both. We don't have a choice.

But it's been so hard my mouse. While we understand that there will always be pain, because we miss you. Because of how we lost you....because it will never be ok...

The trick is not to get stuck in the deep darkness. Each day we have to struggle to see the light...even if we are crawling, we can't ever stop. Because if we do...we might never come back.

A few times, just when we've thought to find a peaceful medium & then bam! Just like that, we are back on the ground...crawling.

Lately, it's been certain things- called triggers, that knock us back down & take us back to those dark places. There's been many of them. They come out of no where, my little girl. It can be anything, any place and anytime. It's sad to live in fear wondering what the next one will be, how much pain it will bring, how long it will last, how much of an impact it will have & whether we'll be able to stand back up....yet again.

There have been many triggers for me & Bella these last few weeks. :(

One night it kept me up late feeling like I did in the beginning....it was so painful that I can't even write about the trigger that caused it, baby girl. :( Thank God Uncle Mikey was on the phone with me the whole time, until I felt better. I really needed someone there this time, and he was. <3

With Bella, I took her to see a Dr. last week because of a few she's had during & after school. She actually asked me if she could. It makes me sadder to see her sad, my mouse. So I'm glad I took her. The Dr. said it was the right thing to do.

The Dr. said that sadness can sometimes lead to depression & it's better to treat it earlier than later. That coming to the Dr. one on one & in group therapy will help her "normalize" these feelings that she's having; that we all have when we lose someone we love so dearly...

She also said there are certain things we can do & try when the triggers come. That help with anxiety & stress, without having to take medication. I was happy to hear that too. I was happy to hear that there is hope. That we are not completely helpless.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

And we love you so much. And always will. No matter the price, my beautiful girl. It can't compare to the love & happiness you brought us.

To have known you, to have been a part of you & you a part of us...

How lucky we really are. How privileged.

Because love wins. Love will always win.

Because love will help us find our way. And one day...

Love will lead us back to you.

And I can't wait for that day to come.

Love,
Forever & ever.
Your mommy <3