Calloused

Dear Hailey,

There are times I wish I could freeze time, other times I wish I could fast forward...but always, always- wish I could turn back time.

When you first left, I didn't think I could make it another month, day, hour, minute, second...

But 20 months later here we are. About to spend another Christmas without you.

In some ways it's harder and in some ways it's easier. The feeling of grief is deeper & more painful. But our hearts have become harder & more calloused.

.....

Today we went to place your Christmas tree by your place at the gardens. We went earlier a couple of weeks ago but it was blown away from all the wind we've had...then came a few days of rain & ice.

We all got a chance to go, now that your sisters are officially on Winter vacation & it was Daddy's late day at work. I haven't cried in a few days, but today I couldn't help but letting it out on the way to see you.

I know you heard everything we said, my angel. I don't need to repeat it...But tonight I still want to write to you.

Your sisters are in the kitchen making chocolate chip cookies for Daddy's Christmas party at work tomorrow & it smells real good in here (I love when they can bond this way). Sissy has her music on in there while I'm watching Fred Clause in here. Rocky is curled up on the chair near the Christmas tree with it's lights twinkling, surrounded by the gifts we wrapped earlier while dinner was on the crockpot....

It almost sounds like a fairy tale. Everything perfect.

But there is one thing missing.

You.
......

I know my little girl that you are up there doing big things. That I shouldn't be so selfish & be so sad. But you have to understand that I'm your mother & I will always be....and that my heart will always hurt because you are not physically here with me. I will always miss you.

If a time ever came when your sisters had other things to do on Christmas, either with their second families or their career, I would miss them too. But to know I'd see them again would ease some of that...

That's why sometimes I could fast forward time.

......

We promised you today that we would try & enjoy the time we have here. Each other & our family & friends, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. We're going to try my mouse.

I love you to the moon & back.

Every single day.

Forever,

Your mommy <3