Snow

My sweet girl,

We had our first real snow yesterday. It was a little more than a dusting, but not enough to do any real damage.  Most of it was gone by the end of the day. Your sisters were happy but also disappointed that it came on a weekend instead of a weekday.

Bella flushed ice cubes down the toilet, wore her pj's on backwards & tucked a spoon under her pillow Thursday night hoping they'd get a day off Friday, but it came yesterday instead. It was Rocky's first snow too. He really liked it. He came back from his first walk with a beard full of snow, from eating so much it. :)

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I liked our first snow day at home, my mouse. Snow always brings about a sense of peace, which I've been feeling more of now that the holidays are over. I'm so glad.

Now there are birthdays coming this month, including mine. Your mommy will be turning 40! I don't know what to think about it....I guess I'm in disbelief. I don't care to make any reflections this minute...only because it might bring back some unwanted feelings of grief.

Even thinking about Bella's birthday makes me sad. She'll be turning 11. You never made it to 11.

I'll stop there, because I don't want to cry. I don't want to have these thoughts but they're there. I'll try as hard as I can to be glad for what we have & not always dwell on what we lost. It's so hard though my beautiful girl.

I don't know if the time will ever come again when I can truly enjoy a holiday or birthday without missing you. Without wishing you were here.

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I had a glimpse of you in a dream a couple of days ago. All I can remember is the part you were in. Being in an apartment or a house hearing a door knocking, going to the door & looking in the peep hole to see Bella in the front & you behind her.

You were again, much younger. Like 7 or &, hair in a ponytail wearing a jacket. You were happy, smiling, excited hopping up & down.

I called out your name when I saw you & quickly opened the door, only you were gone. It was just Bella standing there. I told her I just saw you & then she hugged me...we stood there just hugging each other for a while. I woke up feeling her hug.

Was it you trying to tell us that you are always there, even though we can't always see you? I hope so.

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I always love seeing you in my dreams.

When I don't, I'm always looking for you. In every sky, in every flower. In every poem & book that I read.

I always will, until I find you again.

I love you my little girl.

I hope you are warm in Heaven, because it's cold here.

I miss you so much.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3