Still learning

"I've been quiet on social media lately, because I've been busy living. I've spent the past year coming alive, falling in love with the sweetest man I've ever met, laughing and crying my way through parenting, and working anywhere from 2-3 jobs at a time. Life/parenting/single mom life/life after loss is not for the faint of heart. 😅I've been trying and succeeding and failing and growing. A lot of all of that.

I've spent a lot of time keeping busy, and in that, I'm learning to slow down, to not use busyness to avoid emotion or dealing with life.

I've spent a lot of time finding affirmation in silly places, like the internet and writing and sharing and numbers of likes, and I've learned that gets you literally nowhere. You can be well received, published, accomplish some goals, but it changes nothing about your heart. It's still the same old heart, still searching for what it needs.
I've spent time being sad, and I've learned that's not something to avoid, it's something to look square in the eye and face.

I've spent even more time feeling sheer happiness, and I've learned that is a scary and beautiful thing, and it's perfectly fine (even better than).

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it means to love a sweet little boy long after his death, to parent him even though he's no longer in my arms, and to both miss him and celebrate his existence all in the same breath. I'm still learning this one.
I've spent a lot of time being scared, and I'm learning to have courage because love is far greater than fear. A lot of time worrying, and I'm learning to practice gratitude. A lot of time beating up my own self, and I'm learning grace.

And I've spent a lot of time searching for ways to heal my rough edges (there are lots) and broken parts. I've tried methods and I've tried sheer strength and grit and I've tried coping to act like the broken parts aren't there. None of that works. I've learned that there is only one place- one person- who can take my mess and redeem it. Not me. Him. Jesus. The mender of my soul.
I'm learning, and it's been glorious. Cheers to learning, stumbling, and learning some more. I'd love to hear what you are learning too. " - Lexi Behrndt

I'm still learning too my mouse. I want to learn this & much more. To just be able to live a life without you, if that's possible.

I love you everyday.
I miss you every second.