It's been a tough last couple of days, but worse today. Both Bella & Sissy had bad days at school, after being reminded....
Bella's counselor called to tell me Bella was in her office, really upset because of a writing assignment that was prompted during class- "The best or worst day of my life." It triggered a wave of grief that had her crying for a while & she asked if I wanted to pick her up. Of course I did, so I got her right away...trying my hardest not to have a breakdown myself. But the tears escaped anyway...
Then later Sissy came home & as I was telling her about Bella, she told me about her bad day too. Her Health class showed a video of several people passing away due to different diseases. One of them was an 11 year old boy...
You know Sissy doesn't show her emotions too much...so it broke my heart to see her cry. I hugged her as hard as I could, just like I did Bella. Wishing I could make the pain go away, wishing I could to make them feel better in some kind of way....
But the only way I know how...is just to hold them & cry with them. To tell them how much I love them. How proud I am of them, & how you are too.
I tell them that unfortunately, they will have bad days. That grief will make a surprise visit when we least expect it...even when we try our hardest to make it go away. On those days, it's ok to cry. It's ok to be silent or scream. It's ok to want to get away or not...
It's ok...because there are no rules to grieving. That as long as they take care of themselves & rest afterwards...physically & emotionally.
...
My mouse, this is so hard. I hate it. I hate this feeling of helplessness & despair. What we went through is hard. Having you gone is hard. Missing you is so hard...
And what can we do but just continue to do what we have been doing....to have hope that everything will be ok. To continue to rely on the love & support from each other & all our loved ones. To cherish all the beautiful memories we had with you. To be grateful for the gift of knowing you & loving you...of being a part of your life.
To hope that we will see each other again.
...
What is the alternative? To hate? To rage? To hate what's happened & hate that we can't do anything about it? To hate this life & not want to go on living it? To curse God for what he let happen...for his "plan"? For his "reasons"?
Yes, I have. I have felt all those things. I've been in that dark place. How can one not? I think it's only natural & maybe even ok too...for just moments at a time. But not to fester in those feelings. To not get stuck in that darkness...in that hopeless place.
While it's hard to fight your way out, I think it would be much harder to live there permanently, baby girl.
Like that one quote says:
"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." - Martin Luther King, Jr
I think it's so true my mouse.
...
I curse at the universe sometimes, but I also beg for strength to go on.
I ask it to take the last of my happiness if needed; in exchange for your sisters' happiness. Just like I asked it to take my life instead of yours...
While I have some peace knowing I will see you again one day...I also know that your sisters have a longer road on this grief journey than me & it just erases that little bit of peace.
I hope that's not the case my angel. I hope that they heal faster & better than me & that the waves of grief soften over time.
...
I reminded your sisters of how beautiful the bond is that you all have with each other.
That not everyone gets to experience it in this lifetime. That it's truly a wonderful gift.
That even though it hurts because you aren't physically here anymore; that bond still exists & nothing will ever, ever be able to break it.
And we all agree our beautiful Hailey, that if we were first given a choice to have you in our lives, even if for just a little while...than to never know you at all...
We choose you. We would choose you a million times over. To know you, to love you, to share our souls with you...our beautiful angel.
And the truth is you are not really lost to us. You are in our hearts, our minds & our souls.
If we close our eyes, you are one memory away. If we look up at the sky, you are in the sun, in the clouds & in the rain.
You are everywhere baby girl. You are in everything beautiful.
We love you, so so much.
Please look after your sisters if you can. <3
Always & forever,
Your mommy
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