No choice

Mouse,

This was exactly one week before our lives changed forever.

I've agonized so much these past two years about how busy I was the weeks before our trip; enough not to notice you were sick. :(

I know...I know...my mouse. I know I shouldn't.

I've tried to stay away from FB memories these past few weeks because of this. I knew the memories would cause me pain.

But because it came up today- and because it was brought up by the medium the other day; I will write about it.
...

In the beginning of our session, as she was "connecting" with you, she said she started to feel a strange sensation on the left side of her body. That she was suddenly having difficulty catching her breath...

She asked if you passed away from a flu-like illness, possibly pneumonia, or even heart related (because of her difficulty breathing & the left side sensation). (You were having trouble breathing that morning we took you to the hospital & you were very weak).... ;( 

She said she felt that the onset of the symptoms came quickly. That it all happened very quickly...but "it looked worse than it felt". "That you didn't suffer." She reiterated again- "that it looked worse than it really was."

Hearing her words immediately impacted me baby girl. I was startled & struck. I started to cry right away.

How would she know everything happened quickly?

After I confirmed to her that you passed away within a day of being really sick...

She proceeded to tell me:

"She wants you to know that it wouldn't of mattered if you took her sooner. Days or even weeks sooner. There would of been some kind of delay anyway & it wouldn't of changed the outcome."

My heart sunk down even further. I cried even harder. My insides twisting & turning... :(

It was so much to take in baby girl. I didn't know what to think. Even hearing all this I wasn't yet convinced.
...

Then she asked as if she already knew the answer:

If I was there, when your "soul transitioned"...

I told her I yes. I was there.

She said she guessed; because she felt that I had actually witnessed it.

...

I was there baby girl. I didn't leave your side. Barely holding my head up, nodding on & off, trying to stay awake in case "something happened"- that I didn't want to miss. I stayed away almost 24 hours because I could not leave you.

I was there until your last breath.

My sweet girl.

She told me you said:

"I didn't want to go but I had no choice." :( :( :(

That just about broke me again in two.

I've been hearing those words in my head ever since.

It wasn't how it all ended baby girl. It wasn't a negative session- there was more. So much more that gave me hope.

But to hear those words...

Beyond everything else she said up to that point- those words I believed came from you. I truly believe from the bottom of my heart- because I know you.

I'm your mother & I know you- & I know you wouldn't of wanted to leave us if you had a choice. But you didn't & we didn't either. :(
...

That is what I got from the first part of our session.

That it wouldn't of changed anything if we had taken you sooner. That none of us had a choice. ;(

While it maybe should make us feel better to have this answer- it doesn't. Because the end is the same.

But you are not lost. This much she let me know, through you.

So does this answer the age old question my angel- "do things happen for a reason?"

Not exactly. It just tells us that it happened, without any of us having a choice in the matter.

Is that the same thing?

Not exactly.
...

I will stop here my angel.

I can call you that because she said she saw you in a white dress all the way down past your ankles. That you looked "angelic".

That at first she saw dresses, many dresses in all colors & patterns. Then she referenced a "princess", asking if we often called you one, or if you would often dress up as one...

Yes & yes...

My princess. My girly girl. My angel.

We love & miss you.

For all eternity.

Mommy