Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Sunday, January 27, 2019
He owes us
My mouse,
When I said this year came in roaring like a lion, I wasn't kidding. Part of me was thinking of my mom when I said it. I knew that after trying to get through Louis' passing, we'd have to cope with her situation next & now that time has come.
I don't even know where to start baby girl.
To even try & figure out when or how it even started....would be to go all the way back to her childhood. Her whole life would have to be dissected. It's much too much to put simply in a letter.
I know that when you girls were little, I tried to explain it to you a few times, the best I could. I had to. How many times did you watch me on the phone with her, with tears streaming down my face? Or full on crying after a conversation with her? So many times. So many years...
Even before our last trip.
And now it's worse because of what happened. Because my grandfather has passed away. Because they are officially selling his house & my mom will have no where to go. Because they are giving her just a couple of weeks, to find a new place.
It's all so very complicated & painful baby girl.
...
Everything makes it complicated & painful.
Her state of mind & circumstances. Our state of mind & circumstances...
She doesn't want to live here, we can't live there.
Even the thought of ever visiting again...
At first the idea of ever traveling back to Bolivia was inconceivable to me. I vowed to never go back. Just the thought brought back all the trauma of losing you & it's too much. The anxiety, the panic attacks, reliving those final days, the final moments. The PTSD....too much.
It's all too much.
But now almost four years later, I realize what that would mean. To never see my mom again either. After seeing her only twice in the last 18 years, I would never ever see her again. Even in the case of an emergency, where she would desperately need our help.
And now is one of those times, where she desperately needs our help. And her family has deemed me responsible for her care.
No matter how gut wrenching & unbelievably impossible the thought may be, to ever go back there again....
It's just as hard to turn my back on my mom, my angel.
...
So that's where we are today.
Grandma has to be out of the house in a couple of weeks. I've been asked to fly down there to help her find a place & help her move. Her family doesn't want to deal with her anymore. Auntie & Uncle Mikey's situation makes it harder for them to fly down there at the drop of a hat.
While mine is a little easier, because your sisters are a little older & Kayla drives & Daddy would be here to help...& I will hopefully be able to get a little time off if I explain my situation at work...
My biggest impediment is an emotional one. But big enough to either brake me or make me stronger. I don't know which baby girl & I'm scared to find out.
...
So once again I find myself praying to the same God I prayed to, when I asked to save your life.
If he has chosen me for this task, I pray he gives me the magnitude of strength, courage & guidance I will need to complete it. I don't think it's very much to ask, do you baby girl? I think he owes me that much.
I think he owes my mom too.
Whatever wrongs she has made in her lifetime, she has paid for them 10 times over & is still... :(
...
So I will have faith my mouse. Because what other choice do I have?
Bella & I went to see you at the gardens today because we wanted to say hello & feel your love. There, she gave me the biggest hug & I felt your strength in it too. She said, "Mommy, if you want I can go to Bolivia with you. I don't want you to be alone. You're always taking care of us, it's time someone took care of you."
Can you believe your sister said those words to me? But then I do believe it because I felt your presence there & in those words, coming from her sweet voice, I heard your voice too.
I just started bawling. I told her how much it meant for me to hear her say that. I will never forget it.
It made me remember that all things can be conquered with love my angel.
I will have to make sure I engrave that in my mind.
I will have to keep it as my weapon, to keep fighting all the fucked up things that happen in this life.
...
Love, our true family & you.
That is what we have & it's better than most have. For that, I am thankful.
I love you & miss you my mouse.
One of these days I will have a happier letter to write.
Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.
Love,
Mommy
When I said this year came in roaring like a lion, I wasn't kidding. Part of me was thinking of my mom when I said it. I knew that after trying to get through Louis' passing, we'd have to cope with her situation next & now that time has come.
I don't even know where to start baby girl.
To even try & figure out when or how it even started....would be to go all the way back to her childhood. Her whole life would have to be dissected. It's much too much to put simply in a letter.
I know that when you girls were little, I tried to explain it to you a few times, the best I could. I had to. How many times did you watch me on the phone with her, with tears streaming down my face? Or full on crying after a conversation with her? So many times. So many years...
Even before our last trip.
And now it's worse because of what happened. Because my grandfather has passed away. Because they are officially selling his house & my mom will have no where to go. Because they are giving her just a couple of weeks, to find a new place.
It's all so very complicated & painful baby girl.
...
Everything makes it complicated & painful.
Her state of mind & circumstances. Our state of mind & circumstances...
She doesn't want to live here, we can't live there.
Even the thought of ever visiting again...
At first the idea of ever traveling back to Bolivia was inconceivable to me. I vowed to never go back. Just the thought brought back all the trauma of losing you & it's too much. The anxiety, the panic attacks, reliving those final days, the final moments. The PTSD....too much.
It's all too much.
But now almost four years later, I realize what that would mean. To never see my mom again either. After seeing her only twice in the last 18 years, I would never ever see her again. Even in the case of an emergency, where she would desperately need our help.
And now is one of those times, where she desperately needs our help. And her family has deemed me responsible for her care.
No matter how gut wrenching & unbelievably impossible the thought may be, to ever go back there again....
It's just as hard to turn my back on my mom, my angel.
...
So that's where we are today.
Grandma has to be out of the house in a couple of weeks. I've been asked to fly down there to help her find a place & help her move. Her family doesn't want to deal with her anymore. Auntie & Uncle Mikey's situation makes it harder for them to fly down there at the drop of a hat.
While mine is a little easier, because your sisters are a little older & Kayla drives & Daddy would be here to help...& I will hopefully be able to get a little time off if I explain my situation at work...
My biggest impediment is an emotional one. But big enough to either brake me or make me stronger. I don't know which baby girl & I'm scared to find out.
...
So once again I find myself praying to the same God I prayed to, when I asked to save your life.
If he has chosen me for this task, I pray he gives me the magnitude of strength, courage & guidance I will need to complete it. I don't think it's very much to ask, do you baby girl? I think he owes me that much.
I think he owes my mom too.
Whatever wrongs she has made in her lifetime, she has paid for them 10 times over & is still... :(
...
So I will have faith my mouse. Because what other choice do I have?
Bella & I went to see you at the gardens today because we wanted to say hello & feel your love. There, she gave me the biggest hug & I felt your strength in it too. She said, "Mommy, if you want I can go to Bolivia with you. I don't want you to be alone. You're always taking care of us, it's time someone took care of you."
Can you believe your sister said those words to me? But then I do believe it because I felt your presence there & in those words, coming from her sweet voice, I heard your voice too.
I just started bawling. I told her how much it meant for me to hear her say that. I will never forget it.
It made me remember that all things can be conquered with love my angel.
I will have to make sure I engrave that in my mind.
I will have to keep it as my weapon, to keep fighting all the fucked up things that happen in this life.
...
Love, our true family & you.
That is what we have & it's better than most have. For that, I am thankful.
I love you & miss you my mouse.
One of these days I will have a happier letter to write.
Until then, I hope to see you in my dreams.
Love,
Mommy
Monday, January 21, 2019
Birthdays
My beautiful girl,
Tonight is one of the coldest of this winter so far. The fierce winds are howling so violently that one of our window shutters flew away. This is the part of winter I hate.
It actually snowed on my birthday my mouse. Not much, just some showers. But it’s been a while since that’s happened. I didn’t end up doing much this year, but did enjoy two birthday dinners- the day before with Daddy & your sisters, on his day off & then the day of with your sisters.
Of course I went to the gardens to visit, my angel. I had to go alone, to change your flowers & speak to you out loud. To close my eyes & feel your warm strong bear hugs. <3
God how I miss you Hailey.
I really do. Time & time again we talk about you my sweet girl. We did a little shopping over the weekend for Bella’s bday coming up, because she’s tired of sissy’s hand-me-downs...
We both talked about how you’d be begging me to get you stuff, even though it was Bella’s birthday. She said you’d both be be arguing...
Memories. Wishes. Dreams. Smile & tears.
We miss you.
...
I can’t believe Bella will be officially a teenager in a few days babygirl. She’s growing so tall & thinning out. The day Sissy did her makeup she looked so grown! I’m not ready yet. Thankfully she didn’t like the feel of it & washed it off right away- said it felt like an extra layer of skin. :)
I pray for strength & guidance babygirl. For myself, for your sisters, for Daddy & the rest of the family. For my mom. This year has come in roaring like a lion. We all need it.
...
I love you so much babygirl.
I miss seeing you in my dreams. If you get a chance, please visit. Ok?
I’m sending kisses. Millions of them, blowing them into the cold night air so even if they freeze, at least one can reach you. Know that it’s from your mommy who loves you so...
With all my heart.
Forever & ever. <3
Y
Tonight is one of the coldest of this winter so far. The fierce winds are howling so violently that one of our window shutters flew away. This is the part of winter I hate.
It actually snowed on my birthday my mouse. Not much, just some showers. But it’s been a while since that’s happened. I didn’t end up doing much this year, but did enjoy two birthday dinners- the day before with Daddy & your sisters, on his day off & then the day of with your sisters.
Of course I went to the gardens to visit, my angel. I had to go alone, to change your flowers & speak to you out loud. To close my eyes & feel your warm strong bear hugs. <3
God how I miss you Hailey.
I really do. Time & time again we talk about you my sweet girl. We did a little shopping over the weekend for Bella’s bday coming up, because she’s tired of sissy’s hand-me-downs...
We both talked about how you’d be begging me to get you stuff, even though it was Bella’s birthday. She said you’d both be be arguing...
Memories. Wishes. Dreams. Smile & tears.
We miss you.
...
I can’t believe Bella will be officially a teenager in a few days babygirl. She’s growing so tall & thinning out. The day Sissy did her makeup she looked so grown! I’m not ready yet. Thankfully she didn’t like the feel of it & washed it off right away- said it felt like an extra layer of skin. :)
I pray for strength & guidance babygirl. For myself, for your sisters, for Daddy & the rest of the family. For my mom. This year has come in roaring like a lion. We all need it.
...
I love you so much babygirl.
I miss seeing you in my dreams. If you get a chance, please visit. Ok?
I’m sending kisses. Millions of them, blowing them into the cold night air so even if they freeze, at least one can reach you. Know that it’s from your mommy who loves you so...
With all my heart.
Forever & ever. <3
Y
Sunday, January 13, 2019
Snowday
My mouse,
We had our first snowfall of the year- a pretty good amount finally. Last week it was in the 50’s & even though it felt nice, I was worried that winter would bypass us completely.
Exactly a week ago Uncle Mikey flew back home, after spending the weekend with us. He was here for the funeral, but we got to spend some extra time with him.
It was an emotional weekend babygirl. Very hard. Very sad. Which I knew it would be...but it wasn’t until we were sitting there in church during mass, that it really hit me. It brought us back to your funeral- all the heartache & tears. Seeing Louis’ picture there by the box that was carrying his ashes...
It made it real.
Watching the sadness & grief overcome my Aunt & Uncle, his sister & brother...his wife...it hit all of us. Even though we were on the other side this time, we were them & they were us almost 4 years ago.
Even though it’s different, it’s the same.
...
Once again, our family rallied.
We leaned on each other for love & support. It was wonderful. But it left us still shocked & heartbroken, wondering...who’s next? :(
Is this what we have to look forward from now on?
It shouldn’t be. Not just yet.
You were just a kid. And Lou still young. Gone before your time. :(
We are experiencing death in a sad backward way.
I don’t know my mouse. I don’t know anything anymore.
Ever since you left I’ve been trying to process it, to make sense of the senseless, to find answers & explanations. I’ve read books, articles, watched movies, listened to music...reached out to mediums ....talked, cried & prayed about it endlessly.
And still, I can only truly believe what I feel in my heart.
That you are in a better place. That you are not truly gone, because you live in my heart.
And that I will see you again- which I have to believe, because otherwise I could not go on.
So much we’ve gone through...these almost 4 years. Most of which I’ve written about in these letters. It’s been such a long painful journey. And it’s not over. And now my aunt & uncle & cousins will join us & it makes me sad to know how far they have yet to go.
...
So that’s been the start to this new year, my angel.
It really knocked us off our feet & it’s taken me this entire week to recover. I was really out of it for days, daddy said he was starting to worry...
Seeing Uncle Mikey made my heart full, we laughed so much despite everything. But as soon as he left it felt like all my defenses collapsed. I slept & slept & still felt so tired.
...
My beautiful girl- how I miss you.
Today your sisters took Rocky for a walk but they didn't really go out & play in the snow. They did makeovers instead. It made me miss the old days when you girls couldn't wait to get out there. Even though I knew that you would be letting Sissy make you over too, part of me wondered if you & Bella would of still wanted to play. Sigh.
I love you my mouse. Daddy went to clean off your plaque at the gardens. He never forgets.<3
We never forget. The days go by, time passes, but our love never fades.
Goodnight my angel.
Sweet dreams.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
P.S.
I found this video of you crazy girls about 8 years ago now. A snow day.
https://youtu.be/7wMw6Ps4VNM
We had our first snowfall of the year- a pretty good amount finally. Last week it was in the 50’s & even though it felt nice, I was worried that winter would bypass us completely.
Exactly a week ago Uncle Mikey flew back home, after spending the weekend with us. He was here for the funeral, but we got to spend some extra time with him.
It was an emotional weekend babygirl. Very hard. Very sad. Which I knew it would be...but it wasn’t until we were sitting there in church during mass, that it really hit me. It brought us back to your funeral- all the heartache & tears. Seeing Louis’ picture there by the box that was carrying his ashes...
It made it real.
Watching the sadness & grief overcome my Aunt & Uncle, his sister & brother...his wife...it hit all of us. Even though we were on the other side this time, we were them & they were us almost 4 years ago.
Even though it’s different, it’s the same.
...
Once again, our family rallied.
We leaned on each other for love & support. It was wonderful. But it left us still shocked & heartbroken, wondering...who’s next? :(
Is this what we have to look forward from now on?
It shouldn’t be. Not just yet.
You were just a kid. And Lou still young. Gone before your time. :(
We are experiencing death in a sad backward way.
I don’t know my mouse. I don’t know anything anymore.
Ever since you left I’ve been trying to process it, to make sense of the senseless, to find answers & explanations. I’ve read books, articles, watched movies, listened to music...reached out to mediums ....talked, cried & prayed about it endlessly.
And still, I can only truly believe what I feel in my heart.
That you are in a better place. That you are not truly gone, because you live in my heart.
And that I will see you again- which I have to believe, because otherwise I could not go on.
So much we’ve gone through...these almost 4 years. Most of which I’ve written about in these letters. It’s been such a long painful journey. And it’s not over. And now my aunt & uncle & cousins will join us & it makes me sad to know how far they have yet to go.
...
So that’s been the start to this new year, my angel.
It really knocked us off our feet & it’s taken me this entire week to recover. I was really out of it for days, daddy said he was starting to worry...
Seeing Uncle Mikey made my heart full, we laughed so much despite everything. But as soon as he left it felt like all my defenses collapsed. I slept & slept & still felt so tired.
...
My beautiful girl- how I miss you.
Today your sisters took Rocky for a walk but they didn't really go out & play in the snow. They did makeovers instead. It made me miss the old days when you girls couldn't wait to get out there. Even though I knew that you would be letting Sissy make you over too, part of me wondered if you & Bella would of still wanted to play. Sigh.
I love you my mouse. Daddy went to clean off your plaque at the gardens. He never forgets.<3
We never forget. The days go by, time passes, but our love never fades.
Goodnight my angel.
Sweet dreams.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3
P.S.
I found this video of you crazy girls about 8 years ago now. A snow day.
https://youtu.be/7wMw6Ps4VNM
Tuesday, January 1, 2019
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