Just a week ago, I was spending the last day of our trip with my mom.
After days of running around, searching & looking at different apartments. Calling, walking, taxi's, appointments. Tensions & emotions running high. Exhaustion. Both physical & mental. Sunday came quickly & we were back to square one. I gave up. I felt resigned.
The whole week was a whirlwind baby girl.
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I didn't want to leave. But my only consolation was that I was leaving my mom in a better state than I found her.
The first few days I was broken hearted. Because of you- because of my mom. From afar, she looked well. Even better physically than I remember. She was well dressed, wearing make-up & jewelry. But up close, I saw the white hair growing around her temples. The increased lines around her eyes- that in her own words, were "shrunken" with age.
She talked incessantly. Because of her nerves, her anxiety that gets the better of her. Because of her loneliness. Never of anything that made any sense. Jumping from the past to the present, in a reality different from ours.
I searched for my mom in her eyes & for some moments I could see her, but then she'd disappear again.
Scars on both her face, neck & arms from the scratching she does, creating sores, due to her anxiety & in her own words- because she gets bored sometimes from having nothing else to do. :(
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It took at least 3 days of listening & talking patiently. Of reassurenace, of love & hugs. Mainly from your sister, who was so good with her, Mouse. It amazed me. My mom responded to her the most. I was so glad I decided to bring her after all. It warmed my heart to watch them together.
It took at least that long, and an arguement....before she started to calm. Before she realized that we were all just trying to help...it was tough baby girl.
To feel so helpless, in a hopeless situation.
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In between the craziness, we did manage to make some memories my mouse. We did some sightseeing, ate some good food, took great pics. But by that last day, I woke up deciding no more calls, no more taxi's or appointments or apartments. I was just going to spend it with her. Enjoying it together. And that's exactly what we did.
And to my suprise; almost like a gift from God or the universe, my mom was the most "normal" I'd seen her in such a long time...
She heard me tell my tio on the phone that I was just going to enjoy the day with her & it's almost like she agreed, or was relieved to hear it, so that her nerves allowed her some freedom, at least for a day.
It was my reward. It made the trip worth it.
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That's all I ever wanted my angel. Ever since I could remember. As a little girl, as a teen, as an adult. For my mom to be happy & normal.
I felt what that would feel like, for the very first time & I didn't want to let it go.
We talked, had normal conversations, laughed, walked together, shopped. I was her daughter & she was my mom, With her grandaughter, spending quality time together.
I will never forget it.
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| Grandma & Bella |
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The next day, that feeling continued & neither of us cried at the airport. It's like we didn't want to ruin it with tears. We were still sad of course, but our hearts still so full from our visit.
It's lasted even up until yesterday baby girl. Even though she's stressed & worried still, as am I, about her finding a place. At least I could honestly talk to her about it. She still had all her senses.
It's amazing what love can do baby girl. So many years I resented my mom for her illness, words & actions. It took almost 20 years of healing in order for me to get to his place of understanding & forgiveness. Of resigntion & acceptance.
I no longer expect her to change. I'll just love her for what she is.
Maybe that's what we all need.
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I love you baby girl.
So damn much.
The second part of this letter is about you & our trip. I will write in another night this week. It deserves another letter of it's own. <3
I miss you with all my heart.
Thank you for being there. For always being here.
Love,
Mommy
