Lucky 13

Baby girl,

Yesterday was me & Daddy's 13th wedding anniversary. On the way home from work, there were 2 accidents on 66 so I drove the other way home- past the gardens. Looking up at the sky I saw a little rainbow patch that grew clearer the closer I got to the gardens. I tried to take a pic but it didn't turn out.

I want to think it was a sign from you...saying Happy Anniversary Mommy & Daddy!! I love you...

Even if it wasn't...I heard those words in your voice in my head & it made my day. Just like the nice handwritten cards your sisters gave us in the morning & the beautiful roses Daddy had delivered to my job & later the nice dinner we had at a fancy restaurant to celebrate.

It was a good day my mouse. Like that one quote says... Accept the Good.

To think, this time last year everything was so different. Daddy & I were not in a good place & I was so scared about the future. I honestly did not think we would make it this far.

To remember of all that we have been through...so so much. We started to talk about that last night over dinner but I told Daddy that I didn't want to get emotional and end up in tears. I wanted to just be & enjoy a nice meal. To enjoy the now & remember us, & all the good things.

The best things. You girls.

The best things to ever happen to us.

And cheers to more happy times.

Like Daddy said- lucky 13.

....

Monday was Word Diabetes Day & Bella took the flyers I ordered from Beyond Type One to school & passed them out in her classroom. If you remember, last year we passed out fliers too & I made a small speech in her class. It turned out great even though I was so emotional. The kids listened & they asked many questions.

But this year Bella didn't feel comfortable to have me make a speech. One thing she had a really hard time with last year was the kids "giving her looks" and acting awkward towards her. I think it made her feel self conscious. It became another "trigger"....so I told her it's perfectly fine just to pass the fliers out. That I was really proud of her either way. We wore our blue for awareness too. <3

I want to help your sisters as much as I can- to help them sort out their feelings. But I have my own that I'm trying to figure out too.

I told Bella how I understood & respected her for not feeling comfortable with talking about it with her classmates. Come to think of it, I don't think I'd be comfortable talking about it with my co-workers either. In fact, I rarely do, aside from the answering "Ok" to the questions, "How are you?" How are the girls?"

It would be easier to face a bunch of strangers. Not sure why- maybe that's what they mean in the books about grievers having to use "compartmentalization" to cope in our everyday lives:

At home, work & in public places we wear our different hats & masks throughout the day. It helps us manage & control whatever power we still have over those waves of grief...

For example, even on hard days, I know I can go to work and fake a smile & hold back the tears until I get home, or at least to my car. If I started to mix it all together- all those hats & masks...it would be too messy my mouse. It wouldn't work.

That might be why I was able to talk to her class about it & not break down. Because I don't know them well enough. I'm only guessing & trying to understand all this...

But just as I understood her, I asked her to understand me. That it would be hard for me to make a speech about Type One Diabetes & not mention you..

After all, we do all this in your memory...

Oh my mouse. It's so hard. We are still learning as we go. There are no rights or wrongs.

All I know is that I'm proud of your sisters no matter what. And I know we'll work through it.

This is the flier. Hopefully, at least one parent or one student will read it & remember the warning signs.

That is all we can ask & pray for. No more tragedies. No more pain & suffering.

For all of us.

I love & miss you every second.

My beautiful sweet Hailey Mouse.

Goodnight baby girl.

Forever & ever,
Mommy
.........

P.S. If I could have any wish at all, it would be to bring you back. That would be extremely lucky after all....

"The business of life is the acquisition of memories. In the end, that's all there is." Mr. Carson- Downton Abbey