My light

My mouse,

I finally got a response from the director at AAP last week after Debbie sent me a cover letter explaining the awareness campaign to forward to her. She said they were going to have a board meeting today & she'd show them the letter, then would let me know of a date when to meet.

I'm hoping they agree & cooperate with going ahead with the awareness campaign. I was happy to hear back from her, hopefully we can move forward to the next step. I feel strong enough at the moment, and with Debbie's help I know I will be ok...

It's always been my promise to you that I would try & I am baby girl. There's been so much negativity lately, we need something good to happen.

It's my love for you that keeps me going.

The light in all this darkness...

I can say I will leave it up to God's hands or take matters into mine...is there a difference my angel? I still don't know. My faith is still displaced, but I know it's there, somewhere.

I love & miss you so much.

Always & forever,
Mommy

Ps. I can't write too much because I had another flare up on my finger. :( but thinking about you...always thinking about you.

~

Answered prayers

My sweet angel,

Another birthday came & went. Your little sister Bella turned 11.

I could go into how broken I was- reminded of the fact that you didn't make it that far. That you will be forever 10. How this just made is so permanent...

But if you were watching, you already know how hard these last couple of weeks have been. How much we missed you.  How we spent too much time in anguish & in tears.

Instead, I rather remember the good moments we had with family & friends celebrating me & Bella's b-days. Your sister's pajama party (even Sissy joined in wearing her pajama) with a couple of her school friends & Natalia & Daniella. The cool fort I built in the living room that they ended up sleeping in that night (even Daddy was impressed :)


 

 

The sundae station with all the yummiest toppings you can think of. Decorating their own cupcakes that we baked earlier that day. A game of Twister & "Would you rather?"...



 

Then the next day celebrating at Chuck E Cheese with the family. I would of never thought your sister would of still enjoyed having a birthday there, but she's still a kid at heart & I love it. Just like you were, still playing with your babies & stuffed animals. <3

 

I want it to last as long as possible.

 

...

 

I also still want to call her "Bella" as a tribute to you. I know I told you the story before, but that nickname stuck because that's what you called her since she was born. Daddy preferred the name Isabelle & I preferred Isabella...so that's what I called her when she was in my belly. You were barely even 2 yet & it came out as Bella...Bella...Bella.

 

She was your first baby & you loved her. You were so fascinated with her when we brought her home. Then you got jealous. ;) You always called her Bella & later called Kayla "Sissy". One time Aunt Didi asked where you got Sissy's name from & I told her I didn't know. I wish I would of asked. I guess we never minded you calling her that, so we never asked.

 

...

 

Time goes by so fast my angel. I feel as though it was yesterday. But now Bella is 11 & Sissy is 16, practicing how to drive. She got her permit last month...I don't know if I told you. The day of Bella's party at Chuck E Cheese, her & Daddy snuck out to go driving. She drove back from the parking lot at NOVA to Chuck E Cheese!

 

Please look after her if you can. <3

 

...

 

It has been very warm lately- like the start of Spring. On Bella's birthday, the sun came out & as I took Rocky out for his morning walk I saw these:

 

A ladybug.

First purple flowers.

 

It's nice but scary too my mouse. It's like we skipped Winter all-together. But it's not quite over yet. Your sisters are still owed a few snow days. Or at least a delay or two.

 

...

 

I know where you are at there is always sunshine & there are flowers, butterflies & ladybugs everywhere.

 

I know you are ok, thanks to all the signs you sent.

 

This is what I try to remember & believe, as hard as I can when grief strikes. I really do try, my angel. But sometimes I grow tired of trying..

 

I asked for some prayers through Facebook, out of all places...on your sister's birthday & that same morning the sun came out & I saw the ladybug & the purple flowers.

 

Whether it's you or God answering those prayers...or God allowing you to show me...I don't know for sure but maybe it's both.

 

Because that day I felt both.

 

...

 

I love you & miss you every minute of every day, my beautiful girl.

 

Always & forever,

 

Your mommy <3

 

 

 

 

 



~

Echoes of my heart

My beautiful girl,

I write to you because it helps me...to work out this grief, to make sense of this life; but mostly to keep in touch with you. In that sense, I will never "let go"....

Even if my words are only whispers of the heart, they are spoken to you & your sisters, who are my heart.

Whether good or bad, they are my truth. In truth can we only start to heal. In truth we can start to trust & accept.

If my words could echo towards heaven, you would hear them call out your name. Hailey. My beautiful girl. I miss you so. I love you. Come back to me.

Love,
Mommy

http://www.inc.com/help-scout/the-mental-health-benefits-of-writing-backed-by-science.html

"According to an older study, writing about traumatic events actually made the participants more depressed, until about 6 months later, when the emotional benefits started to stick.

One participant noted, "Although I have not talked with anyone about what I wrote, I was finally able to deal with it, work through the pain instead of trying to block it out. Now it doesn't hurt to think about it."

Tattoo ideas 

My mouse,

At work again, wanting to say hi & that I love & miss you so much. My heart aches with the longing. Yesterday Bella had a pajama party for her birthday. You should of been there having so much fun...

But I know you were there in spirit...I felt your presence in an overwhelming way. I also had another dream about you & the kids the night before running around in a strange house... you were younger, again. My little mouse.

I will write more later ok?

I love you.

Love,
Mommy<3

Not giving up

My mouse,

So many things are happening in this world around us. Tomorrow we will have a new president & many are worried about the future of this country & the world....many including your mommy.

So many bad things are happening. I know good things happen too that go unnoticed, because they don't sell papers. They don't make the headlines but they should. It would give people more hope I think.

The best we can do is just continue to try & live our lives the best we can. To be involved but not to overstress about bigger things we can't help, can't fix. To concentrate on one thing at a time...because one person alone cannot bear the weight of the entire universe.

It's frustrating even then, when your efforts don't show results. I am still waiting to hear from the lady from VA Academy of Pediatrics. I was promised a meeting this month I thought. Debbie volunteered to come with me. I followed up with the lady via email almost 2 weeks ago...but no response yet.

I don't want to be a pest, but at the same time I don't want to just let it go. It's important to me. Just the other day another 14 year old girl passed away from DKA overseas. Very similar to you. :(

I know that there are tons of problems in the world right now. I know that people & children pass away daily from so many terrible things. That there are other terrible diseases that take more victims and maybe are considered "more important"....but every life is precious. No life is more important that another...

Your life was taken because of this disease. I will never let that go. I have to do something...even if posting warnings on Facebook. I can't just sit idle.

...

Oh baby girl. I miss you so much. I get choked up & my eyes well up in tears with the thought that I will never see you again in this lifetime. So many feelings come rushing back all at once. I have to force myself to shut my mind down...but my heart never forgets.

I don't want to give up.
On myself, or your sisters, or Daddy...
Or the world, or you.

I know that is where faith steps in. I'm trying hard to believe...
It's still one hour, one day at a time.

I love you with all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

~

Always trying baby girl...always trying.



40

My mouse,

Today turned out to be a good day. I was spoiled by the family including Papi who made me a yummy dinner. I'm so thankful to have them in my life.

This is a quick letter because I feel tired, just to let know that you were on my mind today, starting with the pancake breakfast that your sisters made. We lit a candle in remembrance. Later after they went to school, I went to your room to hug your purple north face sweater. It still smells like you. I felt bad wetting it with my tears but I needed to feel you close.

I talked to my mom after that and she must know because she said she went to church and prayed for me. She said to remember that you are now my "estrella" (shining star) and that I should look to you for guidance.

That Tia M told about your Haileyfly at the beach & that she's glad because we should know you are always by our side, that it's most important that your sisters know too. And that I shouldn't cry too much in front of them because it makes them sad.

I don't know if it's mother's intuition or what but somehow she knew. I told her thanks because I needed to hear those words.

I know you are always by our side.

I know I will see you one day and I'm not sad about aging because I know I'm one day closer. <3

I will remember your post on my birthday every birthday:

Happy birthday mommy your the best mom ever!!you work so hard for us and I can never thank you enough!your beautiful and intelligent and kind and I admire you and you pick us up when we fall and your funny too 💝💝💝💝💝💝🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊😘😘😘😘I love you😘🎉🎊🎊💗💙🎁💞💜❤️ - Hailey


Happy birthday mommy!!!! Love you soo
Much !! I hope you has an awesome day! Thank you for being the best mom ever and always being there for me and my sisters! ❤️love you!! ❤️😘💁😁💙🎉🎊🎁 - Sissy

Made a cake all by myself for the first time for my mom as an early present 🎁 love you with all my heart mama 💜💜💜😘 -Bella

Forever,
Your mommy <3

~

Baby girl,

I'm writing to you from work. It's slow at the moment. I just wanted to tell you I love you. Later after work we're going to celebrate my birthday by going out to dinner & maybe a movie. I'll miss you, but I know you'll be there in spirit.

I haven't been in the mood to celebrate anything lately. Have had a cold all this past week, but getting better. The bigger issue is my spirit...

But don't worry my mouse. Today will be nice just hanging out with the family. Next week I'll see Auntie & the rest of the family. I saw them yesterday for Ricky's birthday. Can you believe he's 7? I was remembering all the times you held him like you're own. I have so many pictures that I'll post later.

I know you are enjoying being a mommy to all your angel babies in heaven.

I'll write you later, ok?

I love & miss you always.

Forever,

Your mommy <3

A plea

A plea I wrote after the death of my precious daughter in 1994. I prayed to a #God I wasn't certain existed and wrote this in utter desperation, sitting on my closet floor, knees drawn to my chest, barely able to breathe.
For those in the early throes of grief, my heart reaches out to yours...
*******
Dear God,
Can you hear me?
Please, God. Do you hear my cries?
The ones that echo pain deep within my mind and heart.
She is gone, God. My little girl is dead.
And I love her so.
I've tried to pray
To seek
To beg
And still, she is gone.
I would have given my life for hers...
I do not understand.
You see, God, she left so suddenly.
Without saying good-bye...
How can it be that she has changed my life so?
How can it be that others think I should forget her so abruptly
And go on with my life?
How can I pretend that she did not exist?
I feel so very desperate for her presence.
Please, please
Tell her for me.
For I hope she is in your care.
Tell her that her beauty has left me many priceless gifts.
Tell her that I think of her
Every day, every hour, every moment.
Tell her how deeply I love and miss her, that I will never forget her.
Hold her in your arms, just for me.
Rock her gently and whisper in her ear:
Tell her that her mama aches for her, still and always.
For the only strength that remains is
in believing that You, and only You,
Can love her the way that I do...
Amen
*******
(c) 1996, 2008, 2012 Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
From "Dear Cheyenne"
www.Certification.MISSFoundation.org

 

 

Still learning

"I've been quiet on social media lately, because I've been busy living. I've spent the past year coming alive, falling in love with the sweetest man I've ever met, laughing and crying my way through parenting, and working anywhere from 2-3 jobs at a time. Life/parenting/single mom life/life after loss is not for the faint of heart. 😅I've been trying and succeeding and failing and growing. A lot of all of that.

I've spent a lot of time keeping busy, and in that, I'm learning to slow down, to not use busyness to avoid emotion or dealing with life.

I've spent a lot of time finding affirmation in silly places, like the internet and writing and sharing and numbers of likes, and I've learned that gets you literally nowhere. You can be well received, published, accomplish some goals, but it changes nothing about your heart. It's still the same old heart, still searching for what it needs.
I've spent time being sad, and I've learned that's not something to avoid, it's something to look square in the eye and face.

I've spent even more time feeling sheer happiness, and I've learned that is a scary and beautiful thing, and it's perfectly fine (even better than).

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it means to love a sweet little boy long after his death, to parent him even though he's no longer in my arms, and to both miss him and celebrate his existence all in the same breath. I'm still learning this one.
I've spent a lot of time being scared, and I'm learning to have courage because love is far greater than fear. A lot of time worrying, and I'm learning to practice gratitude. A lot of time beating up my own self, and I'm learning grace.

And I've spent a lot of time searching for ways to heal my rough edges (there are lots) and broken parts. I've tried methods and I've tried sheer strength and grit and I've tried coping to act like the broken parts aren't there. None of that works. I've learned that there is only one place- one person- who can take my mess and redeem it. Not me. Him. Jesus. The mender of my soul.
I'm learning, and it's been glorious. Cheers to learning, stumbling, and learning some more. I'd love to hear what you are learning too. " - Lexi Behrndt

I'm still learning too my mouse. I want to learn this & much more. To just be able to live a life without you, if that's possible.

I love you everyday.
I miss you every second.

~

Yesterday's beautiful sunrise, saying good morning to you.

Snow

My sweet girl,

We had our first real snow yesterday. It was a little more than a dusting, but not enough to do any real damage.  Most of it was gone by the end of the day. Your sisters were happy but also disappointed that it came on a weekend instead of a weekday.

Bella flushed ice cubes down the toilet, wore her pj's on backwards & tucked a spoon under her pillow Thursday night hoping they'd get a day off Friday, but it came yesterday instead. It was Rocky's first snow too. He really liked it. He came back from his first walk with a beard full of snow, from eating so much it. :)

...

I liked our first snow day at home, my mouse. Snow always brings about a sense of peace, which I've been feeling more of now that the holidays are over. I'm so glad.

Now there are birthdays coming this month, including mine. Your mommy will be turning 40! I don't know what to think about it....I guess I'm in disbelief. I don't care to make any reflections this minute...only because it might bring back some unwanted feelings of grief.

Even thinking about Bella's birthday makes me sad. She'll be turning 11. You never made it to 11.

I'll stop there, because I don't want to cry. I don't want to have these thoughts but they're there. I'll try as hard as I can to be glad for what we have & not always dwell on what we lost. It's so hard though my beautiful girl.

I don't know if the time will ever come again when I can truly enjoy a holiday or birthday without missing you. Without wishing you were here.

...

I had a glimpse of you in a dream a couple of days ago. All I can remember is the part you were in. Being in an apartment or a house hearing a door knocking, going to the door & looking in the peep hole to see Bella in the front & you behind her.

You were again, much younger. Like 7 or &, hair in a ponytail wearing a jacket. You were happy, smiling, excited hopping up & down.

I called out your name when I saw you & quickly opened the door, only you were gone. It was just Bella standing there. I told her I just saw you & then she hugged me...we stood there just hugging each other for a while. I woke up feeling her hug.

Was it you trying to tell us that you are always there, even though we can't always see you? I hope so.

...

I always love seeing you in my dreams.

When I don't, I'm always looking for you. In every sky, in every flower. In every poem & book that I read.

I always will, until I find you again.

I love you my little girl.

I hope you are warm in Heaven, because it's cold here.

I miss you so much.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

Thomas Edison's last words were "It's very beautiful over there". I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful.

John Green, Looking for Alaska

The second year

Mouse,

I started writing this thinking about the whole Christmas episode & New Years. Writing continues to be therapeutic for me. I don't know how much longer I can dedicate to it since it's time consuming- so far I've been lucky to have time. But who knows about the future.

My thoughts are still consumed by you.

I love & miss you so much my little girl.

I should go to sleep now.

Hope to see you in my dreams.

Mommy <3

The Second Year https://haileyflies.com/2016/12/31/the-second-year/ via @wordpressdotcom

New Year

My sweet girl,

New Year's came & went. We had dinner & Papi's, came home, waited for Daddy to get home from work, had our traditional night of hors d'oeuvres (aka carpet picnic, minus shrimp cocktail because we waited too long & it was still frozen at the store & minus mozzarella sticks because we were still full from dinner), watched Dick Clarke's NYE live & counted down to midnight, ringing in the New Year with some sparkling cider.

We made a toast & said our NY resolutions. We wished you a Happy New Year in Heaven. I kissed your picture & shed some tears. Then we tried to calm Rocky down because he was scared of the fireworks. Then I went to bed because I had to work early the next morning...

....

It was a nice normal night spent with the family. Your sisters seemed excited for the New Year. I tried to be excited too. I tried to avoid the thoughts that ran through my head...such as...

Another year without my baby. How will I get through another year? Just the thought was exhausting.

It's not the way I want to start off, my angel. But I can't help it. New Years is about reflecting on the past & thinking about the future. Our goals, dreams & aspirations...

To think about these things without thinking of you is impossible. It makes me sad to know that my only wish will never come true....at least in this lifetime.

So, my resolution is to try & stay strong & keep your memory alive. By continuing to work with Type One Diabetes awareness & by trying to be a better person. Like Daddy said, "To the best me I can be."

...

All I can do is hope this year brings us peace & strength. That we have the opportunity to actually live & not just exist. That we are able to feel joy & happiness once again.

I love you my little girl. I will continue to miss you until the end of time.

I know that with each day, each month & each year that passes I'm one step closer to seeing you again...

And there is some ease in that.

Fly high baby girl.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3

 

~

Happy New Year in heaven my angel.

I love & miss you.

Mommy