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Rapids

Dear Mouse,

Thinking about you tonight, as I do every night. But some nights I drown my thoughts in a book or a movie, or a show...until I fall asleep. Just so I don’t have to think. So I don’t have to remember. But there’s a danger in that too. Being too far from reality, you lose touch.

Tonight I just want to say hi. Not only in my own head. Not only in a whisper.

I want to tell you I love you & I miss you.

That my heart still aches just like it still beats.

The tears still fill up & sting my eyes.

Some days I feel the waters get rough again & I have to find a branch to hang on to...& just wait until the turbulence dies down. Wait until the rapids turn into calm waters again, then I can let go.
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Today was a busy Monday as usual...work, cook, clean. I can remember a time when daily routines suffocated me. The domestic life of a wife & mom. The first few years it was like that. It was hard. I was young. I didn’t have much help. Overnight it seemed I went from a wild & free teen with dreams & aspirations to a single mom. Daddy & I were separated. I had to quit college & work full time. It wasn’t until Sissy was two that we got back together. But I was used to being alone by then...

I moved to NY with Daddy. Left everything behind. Overnight it seemed I then became a wife. That’s when I started to really feel it. That suffocating feeling. It’s not that I didn’t love your Dad. It’s just that I was in a new place, no family, no friends. Daddy still working 10-12 hour days. I felt I lost my freedom in some way. I couldn’t just pick up & go anymore.

But that’s always been your mommy, independent...almost to a fault.

Now those routines & rituals help me instead. Of course there are times I still want to pick up & go. I still want to be free. But I’ve learned to appreciate the little things. It helps to overcome my anxieties & my sadness. Those everyday mundane things like preparing a meal or walking the dog...even washing the dishes which I dislike the most. There’s a sense of peace & calm in knowing not everything is crazy & out of control. There are good things to come out of  `normalcy’.

But like Papi says, everything in moderation. Sometimes I still need to go out & let my hair down. Just sing & cheer & dance & feel the music, to feel free. That’s why I go to a lot of rock shows :)

I’ve been to many these past years, since you’ve been gone.

It’s the only place I can really be myself. It didn’t feel that way at first of course, it took a while. Even now & always...if there’s a song that really grips me, I fall to it’s power. I didn’t realize before...how many songs are about loss. It’s sad but beautiful at the same time. Relatable. At a show or a concert though, I can sing or cry or shout at the top of my lungs to the lyrics & not just me. Hundreds, sometimes thousands others singing or shouting or crying along with me...

It’s a beautiful thing baby girl. Another thing that helps me.

Then after now at least 1 day of full recovery (mommy’s getting older:), I go back to the same & mundane; & there’s my balance.

But then some days...those turbulent rapids...

Those days I just hang on & wait.
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I love you Hailey.

I miss you.

Halloween is just around the corner. This might be the last year Bella goes trick or treating. She said she really doesn’t feel like it, but the kids are begging her. I told her to think of poor Natalia, her buddy that still needs her. She’s a few years younger. But Bella said she feels embarrassed because she feels too old, not that she feels old inside but that because she’s tall & people will think she’s older than she is & say or think something.

You know me. I told her who cares what people think, candy is candy ;) but I understand. Everything ends honey :( Everything has it’s place & time.

That’s what I’m learning.

These are hard lessons, but part of life.
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Tonight I will say a prayer for my family. My sister & brother, my mom & dad. I miss them. I hope they’re ok. May God & the angels & the universe care & protect them.

I will say a prayer for Grandmom who has lost her third childhood friend this year, this time her best friend. :(

I will say a prayer for Uncle Brian’s brother who was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer. :(

I will say a prayer for Daddy & your sisters. May God, the angels & the universe keep them safe & sound.

And for you my little girl. My angel. I know you’re out there working your magic. I pray God keep you too, loved & protected, until I see you again,

That’s all I ask, until I meet you there. Because once I get a hold of you again, I won’t ever let go.

Goodnight my beautiful girl.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy <3

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