Fall to Winter

My beautiful girl,

November is coming to an end & the feel of things are transitioning from Fall to Winter. Like we're stuck in the middle, or the weather can't quite make it up it's mind.

It's nice during the day, but freezing at night & in the mornings. Sissy has learned about warming her car up in the mornings & defrosting her windows. All our beautiful mums in the yard have died. But the leaves are still on the trees however fast they're falling & just the other day, Sissy & I saw a Haileyfly on our walk with Rocky. <3

The same color as the leaves. It let me get me real close &
stood there long enough for me to record & take pics. :)

At the same time, your pumpkins at your place in the gardens were ready to be thrown away. :( And because you're always the first one on your mommy's mind, I went to Michael's with Sissy & we picked out the most beautiful Christmas flowers & decorations & your plaque was the first thing we decorated for Christmas.

 























We're going to add more in the next few weeks, including your tree. As long as I'm alive baby girl, your place in the garden will always be the prettiest. <3 I love you.
...

We also got an artificial tree from Sissy's job. With the black Friday sale, plus her member discount, we got a pretty good deal. It's not the same as a real one, with that nice pine smell; what makes it really feel like Christmas....but they get more expensive each year & it makes me sad to chop perfectly good trees down just to use for a few weeks, then throw away. I know you would approve. You loved nature & animals, & you would get sad to see the trees chopped down when they built all these new houses, commenting about them taking away the animal's homes, & being sad when you saw dead dear or squirrels on the side of the road.

Your mommy never forgets these things.

I also remember you did love that fresh piney smell too. Maybe I'll find a piney smell candle instead.
...

I guess I'm amazed at myself for even caring about Christmas this year, my angel. Of course your sisters have a lot to do with it. But it seems like everyone is in the Christmas spirit this year & it's rubbing off on me. Everywhere we look- Christmas is in the air. Many in our neighborhood & nearby neighborhoods have their trees & decorations up already.

Maybe it's been a tough year for everyone & we're all just ready to look forward to something positive, to end it on a good note. I'm not sure my mouse. But I'm thankful to not be dreading it like the last two years, to not be afraid of enjoying something without feeling complete & utter sadness & guilt.

Day by day.

I still am careful to get too overwhelmed. To get caught up in the craziness of the season. Everyday. Every season. But especially this one.
...

Seeing my Haileyfly made my day baby girl. It gave me hope. I thought wow, even in the bitter cold it not only survived; it flourished.

It made me think, that you sent it to say hello. To remind me that everything is going to be alright.
...

I love & miss you everyday.

We try everyday to honor your life, even if in the smallest way. I hope you can see how hard we're trying my angel.

I hope just like we get our signs from up above, you get them from us down here. <3

Sweet dreams.

Until I see you again,
Your mommy

                                                        

Making room

My sweet girl,

It feels like I haven't written for a while. I finally find myself alone with all the chores done, like usual, thinking of you. Sissy & Daddy are at work while Bella spent the night with the girls. It's just Rocky & me.

Another set of anniversary, birthday & holiday has come & gone, with more coming in the next couple of months. We spent it very low-key with just us & papi, Ayde & the kids. I made most of the sides & brisket, Papi made the turkey & ham & Ayde made her famous tamales. It was nice my mouse, but we missed you & Auntie & boys, Uncle Mikey & fam....

I wonder if there will ever be another chance for all of us to be together again.

We said a little prayer for just that, including the health & well being of our whole family & you- our angel in Heaven. <3
...

I knew it was going to be a bad week for me baby girl. So I took a couple days off in the beginning of the week, to have to myself. To have some time alone...

I've found that that is what helps me the most.  Besides writing to you & being around the family, sometimes I just need to be alone. To be silent, to reflect, to cry, to not cry, to not be silent, to walk, to sleep, to watch movies, to cook, to clean....whatever works, whatever it takes...they all have their purposes to help with grief, or stress.

It did help. I found I wasn't as lost yesterday...as paralyzed. But I still missed you so much. The tears still rolled down my face as I stood above your grave. It still hurts...

I wasn't going to worry about what I looked like, but I made the effort to do my hair & make-up & wear a nice top. I didn't take a pic, because I knew you were there. I did it knowing you were there by my side, just like you always were. Sitting or standing by my side staring, watching me get ready & smiling when I would look over to you. So while I was getting ready, my heart smiled picturing you doing just the same.
...

Even though this will be our third holiday without you my angel, we are still trying to find our way. Trying to adjust & cope & figure out who we are without you. What we're supposed to do without you..

From Compassionate Friends:

...

I know we are not the only ones going through things right now. But grief makes us selfish. Even so, we have family & friends going through things & I pray for them all. Life is not easy my angel.

The thing with grief too, is that when it takes over, there's no room for anything else in our hearts & minds. It's in every cell, every thought, every breath...

Even though it's not what I want to be, to feel all the time....it's now. It's today.

All I can do is hope & pray for a better tomorrow.

Because I know one day my tomorrow will include you. <3
...

I love you my mouse.

I want to make room for more. For you, I promise I will try.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy

Thanksgiving

It's never going to be ok baby girl.
We'll never stop loving & missing you.

Today & always.
Mommy

Sissy

Mouse,

Sissy turned 17 today. Can you believe it?

Three Christmas' ago, you gave these to us as a Christmas gift (an idea Sissy said you got from watching Bethany Moto on You Tube). This was Sissy's:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is was the last one I saw, not sure
where 16 went? :(

Sissy keeps these by her bed stand. We never forget. <3

17 years my mouse.

It's a little late in the evening to reflect what this means to me baby girl & I have to work early tomorrow...

But I couldn't let the day pass without telling you how much you are missed. How the birthdays & holidays are especially hard. How we treasure all the memories & keep them close to our hearts & make new ones carrying you with us every minute of every day.

Love & miss you baby girl.

Goodnight. Sweet dreams.

Forever & ever,
Mommy

~

The pain
First unbearable, unfathomable, unrelenting
Over long silent days
Over days of war
Unknowingly has settled in my bones
In every cell

My constant companion

It makes itself known
On days like this
Days of cold, and darkness
Days of war

When nothing good matters
Just that you're gone
Just that you're missed
Beyond measure

The pain
It returns unrelenting, unbearable, unwanted
Rising with the sun
In every drop of morning dew

In every cell
Aching, brooding, saddening

My constant companion

I wait, closing my eyes
Some battles won
Over silent hours
Turning into silent long days

Sirens screaming, bombs exploding
The sky is falling

But my heart, my mind
Goes to you
Each breath, each thought, each dream

Until I find you again
My angel
My daughter
My life
My love

My constant companion.

V.T.E
...

~

14 years

Baby girl,

November is usually the start of the hectic season. Starting with our anniversary, then Sissy's bday, Thanksgiving, Daddy's birthday, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, then Bella's...after Halloween, it's one right after the other.

I'm usually the one that does it all. The planner, the doer, the one that is responsible for making it all go smoothly, putting in the extra work & going the extra mile to make it special for everyone...

That was the old me.

The new me gets paralyzed around the holidays. The new me can't handle the stress & gets overwhelmed easily. The new me awaits for the inevitable waive of grief to come crashing in, which no type of preparation seems sufficient enough to deter it, no way of escaping it...so I just wait.
...

It sounds really bad, I know baby girl. But I've learned a few things that help, in this journey. Whether from other bereaved parents, books, articles, movies or the therapists & it's this:

- Learn to say no.
- Learn to pull away if you need to.
- Learn to tell others how you honestly feel. If they don't understand, at the very least they should respect your feelings & wishes.
- Things are not the same, nor will they ever be the same again. It's ok to make new traditions, or keep old ones. Do whatever you think will bring you comfort.
- There are no rules for grief, there should be no expectations.
- Do what you can, as much or as little as you are able to.
- Be gentle with yourself.
- Be happy or cry if you need to. Don't try to suppress grief or force it to come.
- Stop & rest.
- One day at a time.

There's so many others my angel, but these are the ones I'm trying to remember this holiday season. So far it's worked.

Me & Daddy's anniversary was yesterday. Usually it's me anticipating it & planning something for us to do. I plan & he pays. But I told him ahead of time this year, not to expect anything. That it would be nice if he planned something for us, for a change. That it would be nice to just get ready & show up & be surprised.

Daddy came through & we had a nice lunch together yesterday. A lunch he planned all by himself- the place, the time, the flowers, everything. :)

Romantic lunch. <3

This was the card the restaurant gave us- notice the
"Haley" <3

We went to see a movie afterwards- Murder On The Orient Express, a little slow but good. It was just nice to go somewhere with just Daddy & I. To remember the reasons we fell in love. To recall our lives together, our marriage....even the bad times.

But to recall the good times too. Our 3 beautiful girls, our mouse.

I saw our wedding picture & remembered that I was 3 months pregnant when we got married- 14 years ago.

You were cooking in my belly, not noticeable yet. <3

...

Oh baby girl.

It seems like time just flies by. 14 years of marriage, but 21 years of friendship....& sometimes not even friends, more like enemies....but 21 years just the same.

But when we really sit down & remember all that's happened in those years- it seems like several lifetimes ago. It's hard to believe we've made it this far. All I can do is pray that we make it another 14 years. That whatever happens, our love & friendship remains.
...

Having one less thing to plan & deliver really helped me actually enjoy the day. Just like when Sissy decided to exchange her birthday party for a trip to NY- we planned the trip a couple weeks early according to her days off from school, which turned out be a couple weeks away from Thanksgiving too. One less thing to worry about, not so close to the holiday...

I don't feel as stressed, as overwhelmed, as paralyzed.
...

I'm trying as hard as I can my angel.

I'm learning as I go, I'm trying my best to listen & try & be things that I've never done & been before.

For my sake, for yours, Daddy & the girls. I'm trying to find some light in the darkness, because that's not where I want to live forever. Because I know that's not where you are either.

One day we will all be united my mouse. I keep this in the forefront my mind & it helps me live the remainder of my days out here on Earth. And not in the way, that the rest of my days don't matter, because they do.

It helps me live them out in the opposite way. It makes me want to be a better person. A better mom, a better wife, sister, daughter....

I've learned from the way your life impacted others, from the way it impacted everyone you knew you, that our days here do matter. That we can make a difference.

You were & will always be my sunshine. My guiding light, who continues to show me the way.

I love & miss you my little girl.

You & your sisters were the best gifts & rewards of me & Daddy's love.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3

Kindness Rocks

 

 

 

Some of your rocks were found. I'm sure there were more, but they weren't posted. We even left one at the dentist's office today. Love you baby girl. <3 

Sissy's pre-birthday

My angel,

Today is Monday. Back to routine. Work, school, dinner, relaxing finally...my mind goes to you.

We got back yesterday afternoon, from our mini vacation to NY & grandmom's. We made the best of our short quick visit & had a great time. It was just the three of us, because Daddy had to work.

It was Sissy's birthday wish to go to NY & do some shopping. She saved up money from her last few paychecks & was really excited to go, even if for just a day. She loves NY like me; the energy, all the interesting things to see & do; the people...the tons & tons of people.

And your mom had the urge to just go away somewhere...anywhere but here. So we went. It was cold, but we didn't care.

Lunch by MSG.



Sissy's favorite store.

Times Square.

<3

We hid your kindness rocks around Times
Square too. <3

...

How good it feels to just get up & go sometimes my mouse.

Sometimes we just need that break- that break from the everyday. From the monotony of everyday life. We are fortunate we got that chance...to go see the city & spend some time with the family.

You know how Grandmom is. She made her famous pancakes in the mornings. She made a yummy lasagna dinner & had a small cake to celebrate Sissy's early birthday. We got a chance to go see Camryn's soccer game- they beat the other team 5-2. We saw Nanny too- she's still holding on baby girl. Still smiling & spreading her sunshine. I told her every time I get a grumpy patient on the phone, being rude & giving me a hard time, I think of her, wishing more people could be like her.
...

We have many things to still be grateful for. I almost dread the holidays now, but with Thanksgiving approaching, I will try & focus on that. Being grateful for what we do still have.

But I miss you. So so much. And I wish you were here.

These pics were on Aunt Didi's wall- I couldn't help but taking pics of them. These are two I didn't have.



My tiny mouse. <3

My heart. <3

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you my angel.
Everyday you are in my heart. I carry you with me always.

Love,
Mommy

~