14 years

Baby girl,

November is usually the start of the hectic season. Starting with our anniversary, then Sissy's bday, Thanksgiving, Daddy's birthday, Christmas, New Years, my birthday, then Bella's...after Halloween, it's one right after the other.

I'm usually the one that does it all. The planner, the doer, the one that is responsible for making it all go smoothly, putting in the extra work & going the extra mile to make it special for everyone...

That was the old me.

The new me gets paralyzed around the holidays. The new me can't handle the stress & gets overwhelmed easily. The new me awaits for the inevitable waive of grief to come crashing in, which no type of preparation seems sufficient enough to deter it, no way of escaping it...so I just wait.
...

It sounds really bad, I know baby girl. But I've learned a few things that help, in this journey. Whether from other bereaved parents, books, articles, movies or the therapists & it's this:

- Learn to say no.
- Learn to pull away if you need to.
- Learn to tell others how you honestly feel. If they don't understand, at the very least they should respect your feelings & wishes.
- Things are not the same, nor will they ever be the same again. It's ok to make new traditions, or keep old ones. Do whatever you think will bring you comfort.
- There are no rules for grief, there should be no expectations.
- Do what you can, as much or as little as you are able to.
- Be gentle with yourself.
- Be happy or cry if you need to. Don't try to suppress grief or force it to come.
- Stop & rest.
- One day at a time.

There's so many others my angel, but these are the ones I'm trying to remember this holiday season. So far it's worked.

Me & Daddy's anniversary was yesterday. Usually it's me anticipating it & planning something for us to do. I plan & he pays. But I told him ahead of time this year, not to expect anything. That it would be nice if he planned something for us, for a change. That it would be nice to just get ready & show up & be surprised.

Daddy came through & we had a nice lunch together yesterday. A lunch he planned all by himself- the place, the time, the flowers, everything. :)

Romantic lunch. <3

This was the card the restaurant gave us- notice the
"Haley" <3

We went to see a movie afterwards- Murder On The Orient Express, a little slow but good. It was just nice to go somewhere with just Daddy & I. To remember the reasons we fell in love. To recall our lives together, our marriage....even the bad times.

But to recall the good times too. Our 3 beautiful girls, our mouse.

I saw our wedding picture & remembered that I was 3 months pregnant when we got married- 14 years ago.

You were cooking in my belly, not noticeable yet. <3

...

Oh baby girl.

It seems like time just flies by. 14 years of marriage, but 21 years of friendship....& sometimes not even friends, more like enemies....but 21 years just the same.

But when we really sit down & remember all that's happened in those years- it seems like several lifetimes ago. It's hard to believe we've made it this far. All I can do is pray that we make it another 14 years. That whatever happens, our love & friendship remains.
...

Having one less thing to plan & deliver really helped me actually enjoy the day. Just like when Sissy decided to exchange her birthday party for a trip to NY- we planned the trip a couple weeks early according to her days off from school, which turned out be a couple weeks away from Thanksgiving too. One less thing to worry about, not so close to the holiday...

I don't feel as stressed, as overwhelmed, as paralyzed.
...

I'm trying as hard as I can my angel.

I'm learning as I go, I'm trying my best to listen & try & be things that I've never done & been before.

For my sake, for yours, Daddy & the girls. I'm trying to find some light in the darkness, because that's not where I want to live forever. Because I know that's not where you are either.

One day we will all be united my mouse. I keep this in the forefront my mind & it helps me live the remainder of my days out here on Earth. And not in the way, that the rest of my days don't matter, because they do.

It helps me live them out in the opposite way. It makes me want to be a better person. A better mom, a better wife, sister, daughter....

I've learned from the way your life impacted others, from the way it impacted everyone you knew you, that our days here do matter. That we can make a difference.

You were & will always be my sunshine. My guiding light, who continues to show me the way.

I love & miss you my little girl.

You & your sisters were the best gifts & rewards of me & Daddy's love.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3