Compassion

Baby girl,

Yesterday the NJ E. family left after dinner. Grandma & Pops stayed for just a day but the girls & Uncle Chris & Aunt Didi were here since Monday. As usual we made a great time & made the best of their visit.

The girls are growing so fast. Sydney is already driving, although she didn't drive down here. We didn't think it was a good idea since she doesn't know the roads around here & traffic is so terrible. Jaylen is turning into a young lady too. I love her original style with her clothes & hair. Camryn is such a cutie, a little talker just like you & Bella. :)

We went to see Sing, went ice- skating, and Bella & Camryn made cupcakes with the new mixer Pops & Grandma got us for Christmas. They also bought their famous brisket, ribs & mac n cheese and lots and lots of cookies...and Grandma made her also famous pancakes for breakfast. We were spoiled as usual.

They went to see you at the gardens too...I didn't go because I wanted to give them private time with you. Sissy went & said they all talked to you.

It was a great visit my mouse. We are lucky to have such a great family.
.....

On Christmas Eve we went to Alina's to celebrate Christmas with the rest of the family. Everyone but Auntie & the boys. They were with Chris's family, but hopefully we'll see them tomorrow.

We did ok until it was time to open gifts. Bella got really sad & started crying. She said as I hugged her, "She should be here too."

I said, I know. I know. And just hugged her, told her it was ok to cry and miss you. That I loved her.

There is nothing more than we can do when the other is hurting, than to just hug one another & say we understand. To tell the other that we love them & we are here for them. It's not a complicated thing, yet it seems like a hard gesture for some people. To have compassion.

I don't know why, baby girl. But some people just don't have it. I heard a comment Tia C made to Papi as your sister was crying & it made me so upset. It broke my heart. I rather not repeat it & bring back the feelings I felt long after that night.

Later when we went to midnight mass all I could do was cry & ask God to give to strength to survive & forgive. One cannot change people's heartless & ignorant thoughts.

I may forgive however, I will never forget.

So it turns out, not all family is perfect. But at least Papi stood up for us. :(
....

I was still feeling down about it until yesterday when Horacio posted the pictures he took in Alina's garage & I read all the comments...

 
                                                                  
There was nothing but well wishes. Everyone saying how beautiful the pictures are....

No one said, "When will they get over it?" "How much longer will it take?"... :(

They were not as cruel as that. They at least had some compassion. What this world needs more of...

Oh baby girl. No one can understand unless they've gone through it. That is what I tell myself. But people with compassion at least try to put themselves in your shoes. There is no malice in their hearts.

Because of this, I try to be less judgmental & more compassionate to others myself. Hard lesson to learn.
....

It was hard to smile through these pictures my angel. I kept thinking you should be here, not just your picture.

But we weren't going to leave you out. You will always be a part of us.

Love never dies.

.....

Uncle Brian sent me a text last night & said how the beautiful the pictures are & how it made him sob. He reassured me that I've done everything the right way...that I've loved unconditionally with a true heart...

It made me cry too but for a good reason. It's what I needed to hear.

Thank you my angel for that. I think you knew it's what I needed to hear.

I hear you messages & see your signs.

I don't care what anyone thinks. I just know what I feel in my heart.

And that is no matter what we will continue to love & remember you & each other.

That we will see will see you again.

That is never good-bye.

It's just see you later.

Always & forever,

Your mommy. <3

~

~

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says: "There, she is gone."

"Gone where?"

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says "There, she is gone," there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout "Here she comes!"

And that is dying.

 --Henry Van Dyke

Merry Christmas my angel.

I love & miss you with all my heart. Now & forever, until my last breath.

Always,
Your mommy <3

Calloused

Dear Hailey,

There are times I wish I could freeze time, other times I wish I could fast forward...but always, always- wish I could turn back time.

When you first left, I didn't think I could make it another month, day, hour, minute, second...

But 20 months later here we are. About to spend another Christmas without you.

In some ways it's harder and in some ways it's easier. The feeling of grief is deeper & more painful. But our hearts have become harder & more calloused.

.....

Today we went to place your Christmas tree by your place at the gardens. We went earlier a couple of weeks ago but it was blown away from all the wind we've had...then came a few days of rain & ice.

We all got a chance to go, now that your sisters are officially on Winter vacation & it was Daddy's late day at work. I haven't cried in a few days, but today I couldn't help but letting it out on the way to see you.

I know you heard everything we said, my angel. I don't need to repeat it...But tonight I still want to write to you.

Your sisters are in the kitchen making chocolate chip cookies for Daddy's Christmas party at work tomorrow & it smells real good in here (I love when they can bond this way). Sissy has her music on in there while I'm watching Fred Clause in here. Rocky is curled up on the chair near the Christmas tree with it's lights twinkling, surrounded by the gifts we wrapped earlier while dinner was on the crockpot....

It almost sounds like a fairy tale. Everything perfect.

But there is one thing missing.

You.
......

I know my little girl that you are up there doing big things. That I shouldn't be so selfish & be so sad. But you have to understand that I'm your mother & I will always be....and that my heart will always hurt because you are not physically here with me. I will always miss you.

If a time ever came when your sisters had other things to do on Christmas, either with their second families or their career, I would miss them too. But to know I'd see them again would ease some of that...

That's why sometimes I could fast forward time.

......

We promised you today that we would try & enjoy the time we have here. Each other & our family & friends, because we never know what tomorrow will bring. We're going to try my mouse.

I love you to the moon & back.

Every single day.

Forever,

Your mommy <3

~

Earth Angels

My beautiful girl,

We are getting down to the wire- just a week left for Christmas. We aren't done yet with buying presents, but don't have too much to go. I warned your sisters that Santa was going to keep it simple this year.

Last year, he may have been trying to make them feel better for having such a devastating year & for going through so much...that he might of gone a little overboard. But we have to be realistic now...

I'm trying to go through the motions as much as I can baby girl.  Right now, today, my heart is still. I'm floating...treading, instead of trying to swim against the current or struggling to breath between each crush of a wave.

I won't think ahead or look behind. Today I will try & just maintain in the stillness.

...........

There are always things that have a great effect on how still or treacherous the waters will be.

Last week your sister sang beautifully & excitedly during her chorus recital. Abby was there & came to talk to us before the show. I was so glad to see her- since it's been a while. She's funny & made us smile. She talked about how nice it is to see "everyone's Instagram light up" in April & May when they remember you in their posts.

She asked how we were doing & I said a little sad because Christmas is coming. Then she replied, "Yeah but what about Christmas & Jesus & stuff?" Translating that from teenager-ism to English (I've had practice with Sissy :), she was trying to remind us about the real meaning of Christmas. How you are with Jesus in Heaven & Christmas is about celebrating him...

It made me think for a long time after...& she's right my mouse.

Then Carly came to give us a big hug & it made my day too. They are a part of you. And for that evening, I was blessed to be around Daddy, your sisters, & friends- every bit a part of you that I treasure. <3

.......

There are many angels among us on Earth, if we open our eyes & look, feel & listen. Maybe you send them, maybe God, or Jesus...

Either way I'm thankful.

I will never stop missing you- my favorite angel of them all.

Goodnight my little girl.

Please visit me in my dreams if you can.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Good news

My Dear Hailey,

Today Daddy turned 50! Hard to believe my mouse. We started the day with a nice breakfast. I woke up extra early to make sure Sissy could be a part of it before she went to school.

We woke him up by singing Happy Birthday & brought his gifts to bed. He loved his new Christmas tie, gloves & hat, Hanes undershirts & specially the silver chain with a cross pendant we got him. My friend Christina gave him one at your service but after a few times showering with it, it turned green & the chain broke. This one is a little nicer..

It seems to represent hope for him...& who doesn't need a reminder of that everyday?

We lit your candle during breakfast. Daddy sneezed & suddenly we were talking about how loud you used to sneeze (which you got from me). How Daddy used to crack up each time & I'd say "How does that big of a sneeze come from such a little mouse?!" :)

When Daddy saw the necklace, he told me he had just said a prayer the other day for all of us, asking Him to take care of you too. To let us know that all this is not for nothing & that you are not just at your resting place..."down there."  That you are indeed in a better place...

Then I got an email back from the Executive Director from American Academy of Pediatrics- the VA chapter- apologizing for the late response to my phone call & email, but she did receive both. To let me know she would like to meet with me & the President of AAP to talk about the campaign for T1D awareness that Beyond Type One is sponsoring!!!

That she will get with him to figure out a date in January & if that's ok with me.

Oh my angel. I was in the car on my way to see you yesterday when I got the email & tears just started pouring out. I was so happy. I had a bad feeling she was trying to avoid me. Debbie had said not to worry if this happens- that not all states will be on board & not to be afraid to re-approach them at a later time...etc.

But being the only parent advocate for VA, I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to let myself down. I didn't want to let you down...

I will need to gather all the bravery I can muster my sweet girl, but I will do it for you. I will drive down there....all the way to Richmond, by myself if I have to...with all the campaign material that has been mailed & emailed to me so far from Debbie & Beyond Type One & I will be make my case as to why I believe it's so important that all doctor's offices & clinics in VA be required to educate parents about Type One.

How much more evidence do I need after all? I lost you. My beautiful precious daughter. Isn't that enough? And if I cry & get emotional, & wear my heart on sleeve....exposed & bleeding, maybe they will see why it's so important. Maybe they will see that this is not a joke. That real lives are at stake...

Baby girl, it was great news that they've agreed to meet with me. I let Debbie & the crew know & they are all happy. They say 2017 will be a promising year for this campaign.  They have offered all the support I need & have let me know how proud they are.

I don't want to get to ahead of myself. I don't want to go there thinking 100% that we will all be on the same page. I know how this stuff works. I've been in the medical/insurance field for a long time now & I know there is a lot of red tape, gray areas...a lot of bs. :(

But at least I would have tried. Even if broken hearted, it won't be done half heartedly.

........

This is one of those "Band-Aids" that I've talked about. One of those wonderful things that happen that temporarily repairs the hole in my heart.

That & the fact that not only Daddy but all of us have made it this far, when just a year ago we didn't know if we could.

Daddy & I cried this morning thinking of you, missing you. But we also made a promise that we'd try to go on. That we would continue our lives living for the best things that ever happened to us- each other, you & your sisters.

We love you baby girl.

Today, tomorrow & always.

Forever,
Your mommy <3

Daddy as a baby. I know you would of gone crazy
over him. :)

 

Changed

My sweet girl,

It's only Tuesday, but already it's been a long week. Maybe it's because I started a new schedule & I'm now the first one up, even way before the sun. But at least I won't have any late work nights anymore. I've coordinated with daddy's new schedule & he'll be taking Bella to school a couple times a week..

I should be happy about that & many other things. But I find myself overwhelmed right now with not only home & work duties but by the great grief that weighs heavy on my heart- that I cannot escape. Even in between moments of joy, it's always there. Unavoidable. Specially now, with Christmas right around the corner.

But staying busy has worked in the past. So that's what I'm trying to do...even on my days "off". This morning our tree toppled over, so I went out & bought a sturdier stand. Then when your sisters got home from school we re-decorated the whole thing! Lights & everything. But it looks really nice now & hopefully we can keep Rocky away from it. He seems to like the smell & likes chewing on the branches decorations that fall off. :{

 

Of course I had to take him for a long morning walk in the freezing cold then to the dog park in the afternoon. So I didn't get a chance to make dinner or get any shopping done.

Tomorrow is Bella's chorus recital & then Daddy's birthday the next day. I didn't even get a chance to throw him a party because he works. :( It's just too much sometimes baby girl. I don't know how I managed to be the supermom before. I remember it wasn't easy, but I can't imagine trying to be one now.

I know it's the sadness that has changed me. It takes so much just to get through a "normal" day now...I don't think I can ever go back to being the way I was & it makes me sadder.

I want Christmas to remain special for your sisters. I don't want them to lose that too. But it's different for bereaved parents. I read an article that explains it somewhat perfectly. How we bereaved parents feel; broken-hearted.

https://abedformyheart.com/7-things-since-loss-of-child/

.....

I've changed, everybody & everything has changed & I can't say for the better. I'm sorry this couldn't be a more cheerful letter my girl. I just miss you & I feel so incomplete. These days are the hardest yet & there is nothing I can do or say to make it better.

I know you are in a better place, but selfishly, I wish you were with me.

You are my sweet angel. My shining star. I will find you, no matter where you are.

I love you forever.

Mommy <3



I keep your smile close to my heart.

Candle lighting

Dear Hailey,

Tonight we celebrated Daddy's (early) birthday by going out for dinner. Tonight was also the annual candle lighting for Compassionate Friends, to remember our babies, siblings & grand babies...

Last year we went to thier church meeting to light a candle in your name, but this year we did it just before dinner. I hope you heard our prayers & saw our light shine for you.

I hope you can see & feel the love we have for you, because it's infinite little girl.

You changed our lives & our worlds. We are better people to have known you & loved you. No matter what the outcome. I won't let that destroy the love we have for you. Not ever.

To say that we miss you is not enough.

To say we love you is not enough.

It will never be enough...not until we see you again my sweet angel.

Tonight & every night we remember you.

We kept last year's candle & lit it up again.

~

Something beautiful

Dear Hailey,

Sometimes I need to say your name baby girl, even if it's in my head. Sometimes I whisper it...wondering if you can hear me. But I need to say it, to remember you aren't just a ghost or a figment of my imagination. But that you were very real...and still are.

Our Hailey. Our beautiful girl.

....

Tuesday was Bella's recital & she did great just like you did. I did better than I thought, but still sad. They say sometimes the grief felt in anticipation of a meaningful day is worse than the actual day itself...

She was nervous before we left but seemed to be at ease on stage. Talking & smiling away at the friend sitting next to her. A social butterfly- just like you. :)

Wearing her purple too.

We saw Carly too, or she saw us first & came up for a hug. It always makes me happy to see her. She told us she misses us. That they still talk about you at school. That they were sitting around in the cafeteria talking & laughing...wishing you were there, saying "You know what Hailey would say."

It makes me happy to hear they talk about you baby girl. That they still remember you. I'm so grateful for your friendship with her because she is one of the few that has kept in touch up until now. No matter how much time passes, she will always hold a special place in my heart. <3

......

Later that night I posted in my grief group on FB, about the flashbacks & being sad. I posted this pic of the both of you...

 


                                           















It helps me to vent to parents who "get it". To hear that I'm not crazy or stupid for having these thoughts...or even worse; alone. There are others who have experienced similar feelings with school functions.

It's hard my mouse. No one can deny that. Like usual, I want to find the "something beautiful" in something so cruel & sad...but that night I was lost in trying to find it.

Now I can see that something beautiful in my girls up above, both sharing the same violin. The same smile, heart & spirit. Something special & unbreakable. Something no one can take away. My Rosebud too.

My three girls. Always my something good. Always my something beautiful. <3

Love Always,
Mommy

<3

Decorations

We added your angel tree <3

Bad day

My sweet girl,

Today was not the best day. Your sisters & I caught colds (turned into possible sinus infections) from Daddy and we went to school & work anyway...longest day ever.

Plus this cold gloomy weather we can't escape. The sun did come out once I clocked in of course...

I guess all of it just makes me feel sadder. Tomorrow is Bella's first violin recital & I'm going to have to leave early from work to make it. It will take all my strength not to break down thinking of your first recital.

You see, it's like I'm reliving the same timeline...

The field trip to James Town, Luray Caverns, your first & second recital....

Your sister's birthday in January...she'll be 11. You didn't make it to 11...

I'm just haunted by these thoughts and I don't know how to stop them. Please forgive me.

I still want to be there for Bella's recital. I will still go..

Today an old supervisor asked how we were doing & I started tearing up. I had to walk away.

I emailed the lady from American Academy of Pediatrics and I got no response yet. I have a bad feeling..

And I miss you so much I want to scream.

Today was just a bad day my mouse. I'm sorry.

I love you more than life itself. And I miss you more than words can say.

I just have to remember that are still reasons to live for; your sisters & Daddy.

Here's hoping for better days.

I love you.

Forever,
Your mommy <3


“It’s kind of beautiful, right, if you think about it: the fact that just because someone dies, just because you can’t see them or talk to them anymore, it doesn’t mean they’re not still in the painting. I think maybe that’s the point of the whole thing. There’s no dying. There’s no you or me or them; it’s just us. And this sloppy, wild, colorful, magical thing that has no beginning and has no end, it’s right here, I think it’s us." ~This Is Us 💜

Memories

Atlas Way

Merrifield Gardens

Anne

Baby girl,

Another month gone. Almost another year gone. Time keeps ticking. Sometimes this life feels like a dream....made up of slide show pictures. One that I wish I could wake from & start new.  A new life with you back in it.

I know I can easily spend the rest of my days like this...I know I probably will. Even though I don't want to. I know I'm helpless to turn back time & I don't want to live in the past...longing each minute.

But you are part of that past. You are a part of me. Of us. And I can't live this life without you in it... I don't want to.

So we learn to how live in the now, for the future, with you still in it.

My beautiful angel.

This is a beautiful way to start.

In my last letter I told you about Alina & Mike's baby. Well, guess what?

 


















They named her Mia Anne. On behalf of Mike's mom & you. Can you believe it?! When I saw the post on Facebook I burst into tears. I showed Daddy & he was in shock too. We are both so touched. Your sisters too. It's so sweet, my mouse. It's a reminder how much you meant to all of us & always will. <3

I cried in Daddy's arms, telling him how I just wrote you the letter about the baby the other day. I told him how emotional I was then, seeing the baby & thinking about you...and then this.

Mike said how him & Alina hope Mia Anne will have the "same kind spirit & loving attitude too", as you.

It's funny that I told them the whole story about your middle name at the hospital. How we first named you Ann after Grandma who's Patricia Ann...with no E. But Daddy insisted on an E at the end even after we filled out the birth certificate. So I said fine, went through all this trouble to change it, but I told him he'd have to be the one to break it to Grandma. He never did of course... but I think she eventually figured it out anyway. I have to admit though, that I kind of like the E at the end too.

I wonder now if that story helped them decide, but either way they never said a thing. :)
......

This has made my heart over half full again. That & getting updates on how Joshua loves his easel & is being the little artist. And this too...

Proof that good things can come out of bad things.

See baby girl. I have shared my pain with the world & it hasn't been for nothing. Out of sharing our story, people- the right people have listened. And they're doing something about it.

And I'm going to do something about it too. I'm going to try. I try each day, even if it's just to breath & get through the day. Sometimes even that feels like a stretch.

But I'm doing my best to make you proud. You & your sisters. Even if doesn't seem like much...

......

Every time I see baby Mia I will smile.

I'll decorate the house with Christmas decorations this weekend with Sissy & Bella & think of you. I've picked up many angel things along the way this year & now I can display them.

We will try & live in the present, for the future...taking the best of the past with us. You.

I love you so much & miss you more...

Goodnight Hailey Anne. <3

(AKA Mousey Anne sometimes..:)

Forever,
Your mommy

memory