Changed

My sweet girl,

It's only Tuesday, but already it's been a long week. Maybe it's because I started a new schedule & I'm now the first one up, even way before the sun. But at least I won't have any late work nights anymore. I've coordinated with daddy's new schedule & he'll be taking Bella to school a couple times a week..

I should be happy about that & many other things. But I find myself overwhelmed right now with not only home & work duties but by the great grief that weighs heavy on my heart- that I cannot escape. Even in between moments of joy, it's always there. Unavoidable. Specially now, with Christmas right around the corner.

But staying busy has worked in the past. So that's what I'm trying to do...even on my days "off". This morning our tree toppled over, so I went out & bought a sturdier stand. Then when your sisters got home from school we re-decorated the whole thing! Lights & everything. But it looks really nice now & hopefully we can keep Rocky away from it. He seems to like the smell & likes chewing on the branches decorations that fall off. :{

 

Of course I had to take him for a long morning walk in the freezing cold then to the dog park in the afternoon. So I didn't get a chance to make dinner or get any shopping done.

Tomorrow is Bella's chorus recital & then Daddy's birthday the next day. I didn't even get a chance to throw him a party because he works. :( It's just too much sometimes baby girl. I don't know how I managed to be the supermom before. I remember it wasn't easy, but I can't imagine trying to be one now.

I know it's the sadness that has changed me. It takes so much just to get through a "normal" day now...I don't think I can ever go back to being the way I was & it makes me sadder.

I want Christmas to remain special for your sisters. I don't want them to lose that too. But it's different for bereaved parents. I read an article that explains it somewhat perfectly. How we bereaved parents feel; broken-hearted.

https://abedformyheart.com/7-things-since-loss-of-child/

.....

I've changed, everybody & everything has changed & I can't say for the better. I'm sorry this couldn't be a more cheerful letter my girl. I just miss you & I feel so incomplete. These days are the hardest yet & there is nothing I can do or say to make it better.

I know you are in a better place, but selfishly, I wish you were with me.

You are my sweet angel. My shining star. I will find you, no matter where you are.

I love you forever.

Mommy <3



I keep your smile close to my heart.