It feels like I haven't written for a while. I finally find myself alone with all the chores done, like usual, thinking of you. Sissy & Daddy are at work while Bella spent the night with the girls. It's just Rocky & me.
Another set of anniversary, birthday & holiday has come & gone, with more coming in the next couple of months. We spent it very low-key with just us & papi, Ayde & the kids. I made most of the sides & brisket, Papi made the turkey & ham & Ayde made her famous tamales. It was nice my mouse, but we missed you & Auntie & boys, Uncle Mikey & fam....
I wonder if there will ever be another chance for all of us to be together again.
We said a little prayer for just that, including the health & well being of our whole family & you- our angel in Heaven. <3
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I knew it was going to be a bad week for me baby girl. So I took a couple days off in the beginning of the week, to have to myself. To have some time alone...
I've found that that is what helps me the most. Besides writing to you & being around the family, sometimes I just need to be alone. To be silent, to reflect, to cry, to not cry, to not be silent, to walk, to sleep, to watch movies, to cook, to clean....whatever works, whatever it takes...they all have their purposes to help with grief, or stress.
It did help. I found I wasn't as lost yesterday...as paralyzed. But I still missed you so much. The tears still rolled down my face as I stood above your grave. It still hurts...
I wasn't going to worry about what I looked like, but I made the effort to do my hair & make-up & wear a nice top. I didn't take a pic, because I knew you were there. I did it knowing you were there by my side, just like you always were. Sitting or standing by my side staring, watching me get ready & smiling when I would look over to you. So while I was getting ready, my heart smiled picturing you doing just the same.
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Even though this will be our third holiday without you my angel, we are still trying to find our way. Trying to adjust & cope & figure out who we are without you. What we're supposed to do without you..
From Compassionate Friends:
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I know we are not the only ones going through things right now. But grief makes us selfish. Even so, we have family & friends going through things & I pray for them all. Life is not easy my angel.
The thing with grief too, is that when it takes over, there's no room for anything else in our hearts & minds. It's in every cell, every thought, every breath...
Even though it's not what I want to be, to feel all the time....it's now. It's today.
All I can do is hope & pray for a better tomorrow.
Because I know one day my tomorrow will include you. <3
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I love you my mouse.
I want to make room for more. For you, I promise I will try.
Forever & ever,
Your Mommy
💜
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