Another birthday came & went. Your little sister Bella turned 11.
I could go into how broken I was- reminded of the fact that you didn't make it that far. That you will be forever 10. How this just made is so permanent...
But if you were watching, you already know how hard these last couple of weeks have been. How much we missed you. How we spent too much time in anguish & in tears.
Instead, I rather remember the good moments we had with family & friends celebrating me & Bella's b-days. Your sister's pajama party (even Sissy joined in wearing her pajama) with a couple of her school friends & Natalia & Daniella. The cool fort I built in the living room that they ended up sleeping in that night (even Daddy was impressed :)
The sundae station with all the yummiest toppings you can think of. Decorating their own cupcakes that we baked earlier that day. A game of Twister & "Would you rather?"...
Then the next day celebrating at Chuck E Cheese with the family. I would of never thought your sister would of still enjoyed having a birthday there, but she's still a kid at heart & I love it. Just like you were, still playing with your babies & stuffed animals. <3
I want it to last as long as possible.
...
I also still want to call her "Bella" as a tribute to you. I know I told you the story before, but that nickname stuck because that's what you called her since she was born. Daddy preferred the name Isabelle & I preferred Isabella...so that's what I called her when she was in my belly. You were barely even 2 yet & it came out as Bella...Bella...Bella.
She was your first baby & you loved her. You were so fascinated with her when we brought her home. Then you got jealous. ;) You always called her Bella & later called Kayla "Sissy". One time Aunt Didi asked where you got Sissy's name from & I told her I didn't know. I wish I would of asked. I guess we never minded you calling her that, so we never asked.
...
Time goes by so fast my angel. I feel as though it was yesterday. But now Bella is 11 & Sissy is 16, practicing how to drive. She got her permit last month...I don't know if I told you. The day of Bella's party at Chuck E Cheese, her & Daddy snuck out to go driving. She drove back from the parking lot at NOVA to Chuck E Cheese!
Please look after her if you can. <3
...
It has been very warm lately- like the start of Spring. On Bella's birthday, the sun came out & as I took Rocky out for his morning walk I saw these:
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| A ladybug. |
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| First purple flowers. |
It's nice but scary too my mouse. It's like we skipped Winter all-together. But it's not quite over yet. Your sisters are still owed a few snow days. Or at least a delay or two.
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I know where you are at there is always sunshine & there are flowers, butterflies & ladybugs everywhere.
I know you are ok, thanks to all the signs you sent.
This is what I try to remember & believe, as hard as I can when grief strikes. I really do try, my angel. But sometimes I grow tired of trying..
I asked for some prayers through Facebook, out of all places...on your sister's birthday & that same morning the sun came out & I saw the ladybug & the purple flowers.
Whether it's you or God answering those prayers...or God allowing you to show me...I don't know for sure but maybe it's both.
Because that day I felt both.
...
I love you & miss you every minute of every day, my beautiful girl.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
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