The message

My mouse,

Grandma called today to tell me that she had a message to give to us from cousin Loni, from you. I was out running errands when she first called, so I told her I'd call her back once I got home. The tears immediately started to pour once I hung up.

When I called back, she said Loni talked to another medium over the weekend- a lady who had no knowledge of you or the family. All she was told is that Loni's family had lost a child.

The lady told Loni that there was a girl, around age 11 or 12 that was coming through to her with a message for her family. She said the girl was jumping up & down, happy & singing. The message was for us- to tell us that she can see us. That she's happy & in a good place, with good people "that take care of her & treat her good." But that seeing us so sad makes her sad. That her job now is to make sure the family stays together...

To remember all the good memories, but to also make sure we keep making new ones...

Of course I started crying listening to the message. I told Grandmom (which I never told her before) that in almost every dream I have of you- you are wearing a pony tail, happy, bouncing up & down, giggling & smiling..

That I've been thinking of speaking to a medium for some time now, specially as it gets closer to your two year anniversary...because many moms in the bereavement groups have & they swear by it. That one just recently was given an answer to exactly what happened during her daughter's car accident. A question that couldn't be answered by police or witnesses...the medium knew the details without knowing anything of her daughter or her accident ahead of time; but the answer came from directly from her daughter.

I told Grandmom that when Alina offered to find one last year, I hesitated because I wasn't ready yet. That maybe I was afraid...of what I was going to hear...of hearing nothing at all.

She also said you had a message for Grandmom: that you know she holds her chest a lot. That you know it's because she holds it in, trying to be strong for everyone else. But that she didn't have to hold it in. You told her to let go. To "let it go, Grandmom & you will feel a lot better afterwards."

So she did. She said she cried all day yesterday, that's why she waited until today to tell us.

...

She said the most important message was to keep making memories.

I told Grandmom that I've spent the last few days looking over all the pictures that I developed last year, planning on making the scrap books for everyone....that I stopped because I got too overwhelmed. They've been sitting here ever since.

So I decided to start over again & put the albums together. Pictures upon pictures. Memories upon memories. So many smiles, so many good times. Three mini albums in just 2014, that doesn't even include winter yet.

That it's been on my mind the last couple of days. That daddy & I were just talking about it before we got the call from Grandmom this morning...

And then we get your message.

...

Like I told Grandmom, my mouse. We don't mean to be sad all the time. Things randomly happen that trigger the grief sometimes. Like what happened with Bella & Sissy in school. Or when moms call for their sick kids at work. Triggers happen.

That if I don't cry at least once a day, it builds up inside me & it makes a greater impact on me later. So she never has to worry about calling me & making me cry. Chances are, if I haven't already cried, I will.

Nevertheless, my dear baby girl- deep down I know you are ok. That alone eases my heart. But we are allowed to miss you. It's only been 2 years. We will grieve forever, but hopefully less as time goes on.

One of the things that will help, is making more memories. With family & friends. To continue living, with you always in our hearts.

To get these signs, to hear of these messages, to let me know that you are in fact ok- gives me life, my angel. It fills my heart up & yes, fills my eyes with tears but in a good way.

To know that you are somewhere out there- just as you appear in my dreams; happy, healthy & alive; gives purpose. That maybe there is something more to this life. That we should continue living it. That your sisters should too. That they have every right.

I never want to forget what Grandmom said- that you knew more love at 10 years old than most people know in a lifetime...

I know it's true my angel. I know it's true because you were loved by so many. And you still are....and always will be.

Forever,
Your mommy <3