Sometimes I just need to say your name....to read it or say it out loud. To know that you are real & that you once existed....that you still exist in, just in a different way.
I had a call the other day for a little girl of 11 yrs old with your name- spelled the same way. I don't even remember what the call was about. I just remember staring at your name & at first feeling reluctant, because I didn't know what kind of feelings it would provoke.
First it triggered the memory of my first anxiety attack at work, after taking a similar call.
But then something happened, something changed. I was able to get those thoughts out of my head & suddenly a calm came over me. Seeing your name almost made me smile. As if you had something to do with it. As if it was you saying hi...
...
Yesterday I watched a movie called Rabbit Hole. It was about a couple that lost their 4 yr old son after he was accidently run over by a car. :( It was about how they dealt with their grief. Each one in their own way.
Some things I was able to relate to, some things I wasn't. Like how the mom wanted to erase all memories of her son. I guess it was easier for her to deal with the pain- by erasing the reminders.
I guess I did just the opposite. The house is filled with butterflies, angels & pictures of you- of all of us as a family. There are memories everywhere.
I couldn't imagine trying to erase those memories baby girl. Of trying to erase you. It would feel like losing you again & again...
There was one part that really touched me. It was a quote from the mom's mom, whom also lost her son but at an adult age from a heroine overdose. She had some years in on this terrible journey...
Oh baby girl...
I know I will remain heartbroken for the rest of my days. I will miss & love you forever.
I don't know that it will ever be "fine", or that things will ever be better than just "ok."
But we are trying.
I think about that call & how it didn't make me cry this time & ask if this is what it means to be "fine"?
Or that it was just a good day...that maybe next time it will.
...
The best part of the movie was the end.
When the couple asked each other...."what are we going to do now?"
They then begin to realize the answer is.....start living again.
One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
It's the only way. And I think this goes on forever my mouse.
I think it will always be one day at a time. Until we stop counting.
Until we see each other again.
...
What are we going to do now?
I will wait for your sisters to get home from school & have dinner.
I will take Kayla to her second job interview at Target.
We will take Rocky for a walk.
We will prepare our poster-board & awareness flyers for the conference tomorrow.
We will try & live again-
One day at a time.
Love always,
Mommy <3
...
"rab·bit hole"
noun
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