It’s been so long.
In every sense of the word. Since I last wrote. Since I last saw you. Since I last held you. Almost 5 years now. I can’t even comprehend...
As the day of your angelversary approaches, of course that’s all that occupies my mind.
My heart starts to ache again in that same familiar way. It’s like turning back time to 5 years ago, all the memories flooding back in a timeline fashion. I can’t escape it, so I have no choice but to bear it. There are no words, except to say it hurts.
...
There are so many things that are different this year. I’m sure you know...
Like I explained at the gardens, we planned a day of remembrance for you with all our family & friends. I wanted to do something special, as a way to honor you & thank everyone who’s been there for us throughout this journey...
But it just didn’t work out that way. :(
Maybe it was for the best, I don’t know. Between what’s going on in the world today, this Coronavirus that’s turned the world upside down & it being the 5th year....such a milestone...I’m just feeling really down & don’t think I would of been up to any big event anyway :(
I’m sorry mouse.
For everything.
I wish you were here. I miss you. So so so much. So much. It doesn’t get better, it doesn’t get easier.
...
Your cousins & uncle C came down to visit despite everything. You know they come every year on your anniversary & even this year, corona or no corona wasn’t going to be any different. Grandmom & pop pop will be here tomorrow. It’s kept us busy this past week, cleaning & preparing for their visit.
It’s good on one hand to have something else to think about, something else to do. Your sisters are starting to lose it, being quarantined for a month now, so they’re glad the girls are here even if it’s to be bored with them. But you know they’re not a boring bunch. I still hear & picture you between their
talks & laughter & it brings a smile.
...
My beautiful girl. My angel.
How I wish I had you back in my arms. It’s almost been 5 years already that I’ve been patiently waiting, which sometimes feels like an eternity & sometimes feels like it was yesterday.
How much longer will I have to wait.
I know daddy says there are still things we have yet to do before it’s time, but we don’t really for sure. Everything’s uncertain.
We are living in uncertain times now, maybe more than ever.
...
Like usual, all I ask of God is to give me strength to go on & to endure this tremendous pain I feel. To make it at least bearable for me, for us.
Tonight I will say a prayer asking for that very thing.
I look for you.
Each day and each and every night.
You are forever my guiding light. 💜
