In memory

My dear sweet mouse,

I wanted to show you the 1D books Anthony's mom purchased for the library on your birthday. Bella read hers the first day. Now if anyone checks them out, the first thing they will see is this sticker on the first page, in memory of you. :)
                                    

                             











A couple weeks ago, I went to have lunch with your sister. Your teacher saw me in the office checking in and said the trees they ordered for the memorial just came in that day. Bella and I went out back and saw them. I took pictures, but it was a rainy gloomy day so the pictures aren't great.

They are pretty and big. Your teacher said one is for you, (with purple/lavender flowers that weren't in bloom yet), and the other was for another 5th grader that passed earlier this year. I didn't know about him. You never mentioned his name to me, so I don't think you knew either. It's sad. My heart goes out to him & his family. The tree they got for him has white flowers. The memorial will be in the next couple weeks. I will definitely take pictures then. Your teacher is the best mouse, so sweet & caring. She gave me a great big hug that day. I know why you loved her so much.

This Sunday is the walk for diabetes in DC. Daddy, Papi, Ayde, the whole family will be there for your cousins & in memory of you. We are going to spread awareness for a cure baby. Carole ordered these awesome t-shirts. Purple, of course. The rainbow, to represent you. I love them. I hope you do too. We will all be wearing them proud, thinking of you.

These things make me happy. Remembering you in a good way. Shining a light on the beautiful person you were. As you can see, I'm not the only one. The books, tree & t-shirts are small tokens, with such huge meaning. It means so much to know you are remembered by many who love you still.

"In memory", is something I still have to get used to however. When I read it or say it out loud, it's a reminder that you aren't here anymore. That you are precisely that...a memory. It hurts baby girl. I have to be honest. I'm sorry to think this way. It's just not easy to get used to. I know it's going to take some time.

I don't want to dwell on the fact that you're gone. I want to be strong for you. Instead, I want people to know that you once existed. I want to share the love & greatness that was you. That still is. Our sweet angel. I want to spread awareness of this terrible disease that took you. I want to save lives. I want people to know, so this doesn't happen again to someone else. It's important to me, to us. It will give me reason to go on. It will make it so you are not just a "memory". If our story can help others, that would make the pain hurt a little less.

Otherwise, you are always remembered by all the people who knew you. Who's lives you touched. There are many my beautiful girl. This makes me happy too. It's enough to know that. But that doesn't have to be the end of our story. I was helpless to save you. It was the worst feeling I've ever experienced besides actually losing you. I don't wish it on anybody. But I am not helpless to shed some light on this darkness.  If I can still do some good to help someone else, if I can, I will try. For you. In your memory...

I love you so much. To the moon & back my baby mouse. See you in my dreams,

Forever your Mommy <3