Time

My dear beautiful girl,

Since you passed, 3 1/2 weeks ago, Daddy & I have been on an unforgettable journey. First week was trying to get you home. Second week was arranging for your funeral. Within a short time & under extreme pressure, we were forced to make a number of decisions & complete many tasks. I'm thankful for family & friends, & even strangers, whose help made all of this much easier. But even so, all this took a toll.

The worst part throughout most of it, is that we didn't really get a chance to mourn you. In Bolivia, robotically, we signed papers. Exhausted of sleep & patience; we were dragged around office to office, city to city to obtain the proper documents. All in all, we got maybe two good full days to spend with my Mom. I'm glad you were there for that first one...

Once here, it was back to preparing for your funeral. To make it extra special, I went through many pictures, videos, artwork, baby books, all a flood of memories of you. But I had to numb myself to do it. I couldn't stop to look at each one carefully & cry. It wasn't until last week after it was all over, that I was finally able to really grieve for you. To let it all out.

Maybe that's why the wounds still feel like new. I can't say that it gets any better or easier. Only that it's been like learning how to walk again. Some days I move a step forward, some days backward, some days I fall. I try to end each day, with trying to get back up. Yesterday though, I fell and wasn't able to get up...

I finally got the courage to go in your bed room to try & unpack your suitcase. It's been sitting on your bed untouched, since we got back. I didn't get very far without breaking down. Next to your suitcase, there are all your babies you used to play with. Your favorite fuzzy pink blanket. Next to your bed; your drawings, posters & lying on the floor, the violin you will never play again...In your suitcase; brand new clothes you saved specifically for the trip, that you will never get to wear. Your purple North Face fleece jacket that you bugged me about during Christmas...it smelled like you. As did your blanket. I ended up on my own bed, hugging & smelling your blanket & cried myself to sleep. 

I'm sorry for my weakness baby girl. I'm only telling you this so you know, I realized I needed help & made an appointment to see a grief counselor, a therapist. My first time. I met her today. Daddy went with me, but waited in the waiting room. She was a nice lady. She said what I'm going through is normal. That it will take time, but there is no time limit. That the feeling of grief will get better, but never completely go away. Not to isolate myself. That now is the time to stick together as a family, & look to other family & friends for support. Most of it I already knew. It just helped to hear it from someone else...

I'm glad I went. I'm going to be ok honey, so don't worry about me, ok? Oh, and Daddy said that we don't have to give your violin back. He said that we could maybe buy it to keep. Maybe one day your nieces or nephews or one of the dozens of kids in our future family will need it & want to play. :) I hope we can, as another beautiful reminder of you. You loved to play and you were getting really good. I'm going to look into it and let you know.

I miss & love you everyday.

To the moon and back, and in heaven where you're my angel.

Forever your mommy. <3