Tired

Dear Hailey,

Today was not a good day. I'm so very tired. It's exhausting to constantly fight these feelings, to just lose at the end. I finally broke down and asked God for help. I don't know if he'll hear me, or if he can. Nothing will bring you back, so nothing will ever be right again.

Tomorrow is a new day.
Let it be a sunny day.
Let no one ask me questions about you.
Let no one remind me of "how painful it must feel."
Let no one with a healthy 11 year old remind me you're not.
Let no one make me aware I look sad, and ask "are you ok?"
Let them quiet down their loud overjoyous laughs.
Let no one ask me again, "how are you?"

Because I can't answer questions I don't have the answer to.

Because I don't need to be reminded of how awful the pain is. I live with it every day.

Because it's not fair another mom can have a healthy, live 11 yr old, and I can't.

Because I'm fully aware and frightened of the stranger I see in the mirror each time.

Because I can barely bring myself to smile.

Because I don't know how I am. I don't know anything anymore. Except that...

I miss you.
I love you.

I will keep fighting.
I will keep loving.
I will keep living.

For you.
For your sisters.
For daddy.

Until we see you again,

Forever Your mommy <3