Hope

My dear baby girl,

Thinking about you like always. Tonight there's another meeting at the "Compassionate Friends" group for bereaved parents, that I'm going to miss. I've thought about going, was going to go....but then at the last minute chickened out. I just don't know if I'm ready yet.

I guess I don't know what to expect. It's scary to put your heart out there in front of strangers. It's a lot different in person, than on paper, social media or blogging. I've always been better at expressing myself in my writing, but rather handicapped in communicating with people face to face. I do eventually want to go. I know I need the support, & believe it or not, I want to be the support to another hurting soul. I know that would help me too...but just not tonight.

I think the main reason too though, is that today my heart & mind have been still. Not peaceful exactly. Just still. Free of waves, storms & rage. Days like these when I can breath in somewhat deeply without feeling excruciating pain, or like I'm running out of air, I try to make it last. I'm afraid if I go to the meeting, it will ignite the fires within & I won't have control to stop them from consuming me alive..

Just like a wound needs to be bandaged, but also aired once in a while in order to heal, so does the heart. Tonight I'm keeping it bandaged.

Your sisters are back from Jersey. The house was so quite while they were gone. Having all 3 of you gone, & Daddy mostly at work, I had a lot of time on my own. Time for reflection. Time to grieve with no constraints. I used to be terrified of it. The feelings that took over me, never experienced before, scared me. I'd try hard to hold them in or ignore them, with no success. It was worse to do that anyway, because they built up inside until I felt like I was going to burst. That's when the anxiety attacks were at their worst too.

These last couple of weeks, I've learned a lot about grief. From personal experience & stuff I read on the internet & books. The most important being; it's ok to grieve. It's not a terrible act. It's not an act of injustice. In fact, it's necessary in order to heal.

Maybe that's why I feel somewhat calm today. I think I've done enough grieving to last me a life time. :(

The truth is baby, the grieving will never stop. It has nothing to do with letting go or moving on. It has to do with grieving & loving going hand in hand. I will never stop grieving, because I will never stop loving you.

I've learned grieving has many stages & faces. It changes in intensity from one day to another. But it's always there, & always will be. The trick is to learn to live with it without letting it cripple you.

For example, I can go to work & survive the day without a breakdown, but will cry all the way home.

I can get through shopping at Target (one of your favorite stores), walk through the aisles feeling as though my insides are being squeezed & suffocated to the point of almost collapsing, then pay for my purchases & be on my way.

I can drive by the cemetery on my to work every morning, talk to you & wave with tears running down my face, sometimes sobbing...then clock in an hour later & get through my shift.

I can take your sisters to the movies, the whole time having flashbacks of the last night you were alive (we went to see a movie) & make it through the whole thing without walking out, or screaming, but still watching, with tears running down my face..

I can take your sister to a concert & have a blast one day, then be crying the next like there is no tomorrow because it was the first holiday spent without you....

I can go on & on baby. I don't have it figured out yet. I know I never will. The point is, I've managed to still live through the grief. So far. Learning as I go. It's true, some days it's so gripping I don't want to get out of bed. Some days I force myself to go to work, then come home & be comatose. Some days I can interact with people, laugh & smile but still feel as though I'm dying inside.

They say crying is the act that cleanses the soul.  If that's true, I wonder if the time will ever come, when mine will be thoroughly cleaned.

I don't want you to be sad baby. I don't mean to alarm you. I just want you to know, if you're watching me, that it's ok. I'm ok. I will be ok.

I read this the other day & it made sense to me.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2015/07/giving-grief/

It makes more sense than taking pills or doing drugs or drinking the grief away...

Grief is so unpredictable, & so different for everyone, I don't judge those who need other coping mechanisms. I applaud anyone that is still standing, still living, the best way they can in the midst of a loss. The loss of losing their child, or any other loved one. Losing a part of them, their soul, their being, their heart...

I read this the other day & it gave me hope.

Hope, that we will get through this. No matter how painful, how impossible.

Hope, that I will make you proud, even on my worst days.

Hope, that I will have enough energy to honor your legacy.

Hope, that we will save lives.

Hope, that your sisters will still have a happy life.

Hope, that the damage isn't too deep for any of us to ever smile (for real) again.

Hope, that we will see you again.

Hope, that I will hug you again. And give you kisses. And hear your voice.

And tell you I love you,

All the way around the universe and back.

Hope, that there is another world less painful out there, which you are living in now. A world where love is infinite & fear is simply outcasted. Where all our hopes & dreams come true. A world with no boundaries & endless possibilities...

Hope is what I wish for my baby girl. Without hope, there is no reason to live.

My last hope & wish, is to be re-united with you one day, in such a world.

When this day comes, & only then, will I feel at peace again. I now understand the real meaning of "Rest in peace."

Until then, grief is my friend.

I love you my sweet baby mouse.

I miss you.

Always & forever,

Your mommy. <3