Enough

Hi baby girl,

Sorry I haven't been able to write you every day. I'm always thinking of you. It's just that life gets in the way. Sometimes it's for the best. We've been keeping busy with positive things. But as always...with you in mind.

Sometimes, I talk to you out loud & I think you can hear me better that way. Like yesterday after work, it was nice & sunny, low 80's and I stopped by the gardens to see you. The flowers we dropped off the other day were still there (we've figured out that the deer won't get to them, if we leave the plastic on the outside). I sat down for a good while, talking to you- just me & you. I could of stayed there all day. It's peaceful there, surrounded by birds, dragon & butterflies...

I was telling you about the One Direction concert the night before. How much we missed you & wished you were there. How excited your sisters were. How we wore our Hailey necklaces for you, close to our heart...

Daddy & Bella's seats up top. Sissy and I had floor seats.

I woke up Saturday morning thinking of how excited you would of been. How you never got to see them live. It was hard not to feel sad baby. But like Sissy says, you've probably already seen them live a hundred times by now, and have hung out back stage with them.

We got a text from Sydney on the way over telling us to have fun, saying she knew you'd be there with us, just like you were for her.

Daddy got choked up reading it. It meant a lot to us. It's hard for any of us to do these things without you. I know Sydney had a hard time too, specially in the beginning.

We learn as we go, that we shouldn't feel bad & stop making memories. We've learned we can still make memories, with you included.

Sissy & I noticed that they used a lot of purple stage lights the whole night & for one song (I forgot which one) everyone was waving their purple glow sticks (the cheap ones we got from the Dollar Store, unfortunately didn't glow at all).

Just like when we saw Foo Fighters last month, & Dave Grohl was wearing a PURPLE cast on the leg he broke. We all looked at each other and smiled. Purple? Really?

We had a lot of fun baby. I saw a lot of girls your age too with their parents. Arian, sissy's friend rode with us too, but he sat somewhere else. The "going to a concert with your parents" thing didn't exist in my day. It amazes me to see that. It's kind of cool actually. I may not be 1D's biggest fan, Daddy either, but we went for your sisters. To spend time with them, to watch them have fun & enjoy it. It makes us happy to see them happy. It gives us hope for the future..

Other people outside our box may not think we care about them as much, since you passed. That we are so consumed with our grief for you, that we have forgotten about them. The grieving part may of been true, not being helped, in the very beginning. But because we just lost you. Because we were lost ourselves, in shock & despair, not knowing what to do. But not because we love them any less...for God's sake.

It really hurt me to hear that, in so many words, coming from Tia's mouth a few weeks ago. Yes, the same Tia that told me to "stop with the memories" because she thought it was doing more harm than good.

Just before she left for Bolivia, she said she needed to talk to me, at first wanting to talk in person. With time not allowing, we spoke over the phone instead. She was jumping around with her statements, saying things like "be careful with the girls", "you don't want them to think you love Hailey more", "my mom always loved my brothers more." etc, etc...

It hurt me, and it made me mad. Is it because of what she reads here, or your Facebook page- which are dedication & awareness sites in memory of you, that she assumes I love you more? Is that what everybody thinks? But I didn't ask, because if it's negative, I honestly don't care what people think.

I assured her that is not the case. That I love my daughters equally. That because of them, I'm still here. Without them, I don't know where I'd be. And they know that...

It made me mad to have to justify that to her. But then I realized that for someone on the outside looking in, maybe it does seem that way. Someone who's never lost a child. Someone who doesn't really know me. An outsider, who is not really part of my everyday life....because if she was, she would not be saying those things. Because they aren't true.

Technically, she is an outsider. She is not one of the few that come to visit, call me, or check on me. All she sees or hears about are the things I choose to write here or on Facebook, or not at all..

She doesn't know my daily struggles. She doesn't know my history, how I love my kids & how I've lived my life for them. And still do. Or if she does know, maybe she's forgotten.

Maybe she's forgotten, that I'm just a grieving mother who keeps this blog, writing letters to her deceased daughter as a way to still communicate with her, the only way she knows how...and to keep her memory alive.

She probably doesn't know that I get weekly messages from Type 1 Diabetes mothers all around the world thanking me & congratulating me for my courage in spreading awareness through your Facebook page, despite losing you. That they ask if they can share our story on their page, in an effort of support & to spread awareness. That I've been contacted by an organization affiliated with several news stations that are interested in sharing our story, who heard about us through the "Type 1 community"...


My God baby, the tears just pour out as I write this....

It's so unfair. Do I seem like a mother who loves her one deceased child more than her 2 living ones to them? I doubt it..

But I forgive her. Only because she's my Aunt & I know she means well. She's not a bad person. Even if her opinion is an ignorant one. I hope that she only meant it to help instead to judge. For now though, it may be best to keep my distance from her. People don't know how much harm they can cause with their words, or what powerful statements they can make with their actions...

Your sisters know how much we love them. They know how hard both Daddy & I have fought & fight each day to keep moving forward. We don't need to prove anything to anyone. As long as Sissy & Bella know...which I know they do.

That's all that matters. That's enough.

Our love for each other, will always be enough.

Enough to carry us through this...enough to give us courage & strength.

I'm sorry baby girl.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

Everything is going to be ok.

We love you and need you more than ever.

Forever your mommy <3