Monday

Dear baby girl,

Mondays are usually days we dread. As much as we try not to torture ourselves by remembering the Monday you passed, it's always difficult. It was worse in the beginning, those first couple of months. Every Sunday & Monday was the same. For Daddy & I especially. We silently kept tally in our heads of each week that passed. Week 1, 2, 3...with the events of those days playing in our minds over & over like a broken record. We'd wake up every Monday morning, on the hour that you passed- 6am & hug, crying in each other's arms. It was our way of having our "moment of silence" for you.

Eventually we forced ourselves to stop counting. Although we don't say or do anything now, we are still silently aware of it. It's like a well kept secret, not forgotten, but buried somewhere deep in the back of our minds...but every once in a while, it still creeps back up. Every Monday, I still have to fight it from having it take over completely.

In one of the grieving books I read, it mentioned what we were experiencing was PTSD- Post traumatic stress disorder:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Many people who go through traumatic events have difficulty adjusting and coping for a while, but they don't have PTSD — with time and good self-care, they usually get better. But if the symptoms get worse or last for months or even years and interfere with your functioning, you may have PTSD.
Getting effective treatment after PTSD symptoms develop can be critical to reduce symptoms and improve function.

It said it's very common with those who grieve the sudden, unexpected death of a loved one. A loved one who passed in a tragic or traumatic way. I was very afraid we'd stay this way, suffering with this to the point of not being able to function. But we have managed. We still go to work & do what we have to do, able to silence our minds but not the aching in our hearts...

******

This Monday, thanks to Mrs. Stroud, was a good one. She invited Bella & some of your friends to her classroom to help set up for her upcoming 5th graders. Since Sissy walked Bella over to your school, she ended up staying to help too.

It was your sisters, Isabelle, Tanya, Kimberley & her cousins that showed up. It was nice of your teacher to get the girls together. They had fun. I know you would of loved to have been there. Always wanting to be a teacher, you would of loved to help get her classroom all set up, arranging & decorating.

Mrs. S smiled when I told her during your service, how you would come home from school, immediately heading to the dry erase & chalk board, pretending to be her. Holding a coffee mug filled with water, wearing your teacher's badge around your neck. You would repeat to your "class" everything you learned that day, and that's how I knew you had paid attention. :)

When I picked the girls up from the school after work, they were waiting outside with Mrs. S, Isabelle & her mom. It was good to see them again. Isabelle is getting so tall. She looked so pretty & tan from playing soccer outside the whole summer. As we talked, a black & purple butterfly flew above our heads.

They told me they saw another one outside earlier, while looking at your brick on the path to the learning garden.

Your brick was the first one laid on the path. It's
the first thing you see as you enter. So pretty, like you. <3

    Then the girls showed me the buds starting to show on your tree.

You can see the purple starting to show on the tips. :)

It was nice all over my mouse. I got emotional when I saw your brick. It was nice of Mrs. Polhamus to think of you & order it. We had been checking on your tree & to see the progress of the path during the summer. It seemed like everyone was still on vacation though, with the bricks still stacked up in the corner. We knew yours was inside somewhere. But then today, we saw it completed & it made my heart happy.

You are always with us my beautiful girl.

And we are always with you.

When I think of Mondays, I will try hard to think of just today.

To think of hope, in the budding of your tree.

To think of love & memories, in the placement of your brick & the gathering of your sisters and friends.

To think of your spirit, in the presence of your butterflies...


You are always with us, and we are always with you.

Loving & missing you always,

Forever & ever,

Your mommy. <3