5 months

My beautiful girl,

Yesterday was a day of deep sadness, reflection & love all at the same time. I couldn't bring myself to write anything but those simple words of "I love you", because out of everything that I was thinking & feeling...those words are what stood out above everything else.

I couldn't bring myself to go to work either. I didn't sleep much the night before after watching the movie Wild (again). It made me think of you & my mom. Ironically, it was the last book I read before our trip to Bolivia. I've placed that too, under the list of; "Weird, ironic & coincidental things" connected to the trip & what happened.

It's not that I like or want to torture myself by watching these kind of movies, or reading these kind of books. I know you must see me cry & wonder why I do. It's that there are good messages & meanings behind them baby. I can relate & I don't feel so alone.

They are also proof of a possibility that something beautiful can come of something tragic. The real story to me though, is about the journey it took to get there. From the tragic to the beautiful. We learn by sharing each other's journeys. We learn & we don't feel so alone...

I write to you about ours, but hope to one day be brave enough to share it with others too. To help them on their path, like so many have helped me.  

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Of course it's not an easy path baby girl. Yesterday was a tough day for all of us. All I wanted to do, was to spend the day with your sisters & the family. Safe in our little circle of love, remotely away from the rest of the world.

Chrissy took Kayla out for brunch & to get their nails done. This is the second time they've hung out together. I thought it was really nice & sweet of her. They really get along & Chrissy is positive, fun & outgoing. A great influence for your sister, who has been so busy with school work & I worry maybe too wrapped up in the problems & issues of the house. She has her friends from school, but it's always nice to have that somebody in your life that is like a breath of fresh air, that breaths some new life into your soul. We are so lucky to have her, my mouse. More than just a friend, she is family.

We are also lucky to have Auntie.  Her & the boys met us at the church where we had your service. We met after mass was over, because I like it better there when it's peaceful & silent. Even though I'm clueless about reciting the "correct" prayers, have no idea which Saint is who...or which statue represents what...

It's something about the sense of peace & calm when I enter that is somewhat soothing. Soothing to a hurting & wounded soul. It's one of the few places I can let myself feel vulnerable enough to reach deep & not be afraid of what I might find. Because if it is, something I don't like, I can release it then & there. Then ask for strength & forgiveness...if not to the wounded man hanging on the cross above me, then at least to myself.

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And that is just what I did my angel. I released some of the anguish & pain in my heart, that had been building up. Auntie did too. I was sorry to see her cry. Knowing she felt pain too. But what was important is that we were there together. Supporting each other. Not only sharing our sorrow but our love too.

I hope you also heard my prayers to you.

The kids lit almost every prayer candle in the church for you. They ran around to each display they could find. Of course we heard hollering when they found the purple candle holder ones. It's a good thing we had the church to ourselves (almost). :)

Then we went to pick up some flowers, baby pumpkins & Kayla to go to the gardens. Each kid got one & wrote their names with a small message for you. Daniela & Natalia were there too. They each placed one around the flowers. I hope the local deer don't like to eat pumpkins... :(

It doesn't get any easier my mouse. Last night, we talked with Sissy & Bella about how we know you are around us but how we wish you could talk back. How we wish we could see you. Hear your voice, listen to your funny laugh. We just miss you, that's all. I know that will never go away. Just like our love will never go away.

No matter the days, months or years that pass,
Your light will never fade from our eyes.
Our love will never fade from our hearts.
It was made stronger the day you left.
We will carry it with us always,
Having enough to keep for ourselves,
and enough to share with the world.

We love & miss you,

Forever & ever...

Forever, your mommy. <3