Life's Battles

My dear baby girl,

Have lots on my mind and trouble sleeping. Maybe it's because I haven't written you in a couple days. Even though we went to visit you at the gardens today. Even though we talk to you at random times & about you all the time to one another...

Writing to you when I'm alone, in silence (most of the time), is something I look forward to. It's a way for me to still "talk" to you, try to come to terms with all that's happened & sort out some of the chaos in my mind. You always had a way of making me feel better...my sweet girl. I miss our talks.

I wish I had some good news to report other than; I'm feeling much better since the surgery. But if it's not one thing, it's another. It seems like life is determined to keep testing us baby girl. I get so weary & tired of fighting all these battles. I can't understand why this is happening to us. But then, I know we are not the only ones.

I turn on the news or read things on the internet that show both the beauty & darkness of this world, that leave me inspired & depressed all at once. It's pretty dark out there right now baby. It makes me scared for your sisters & their future.

But for now I can only worry about us, making sure our family is ok. Making sure we get through now another obstacle. Saving the small amount of energy & hope I have to keep fighting. What else can we do?

Your sisters are trying to recover too. Feeling vulnerable & sensitive, looking to me for strength. Watching my actions & reactions to everything. So I try to be strong. But like Auntie said in a message this morning, "You aren't made of steel." And it's true. I'm not. But where to go from there? I don't know. How much can one person take? I don't know.

I know you are watching from above, my sweet angel. I hope you know the reasons & answers that are a mystery to us. I hope you are not sad. I hope you can call to God & all your angel friends to give us some extra strength right now. And if not, that's ok too.

I will just think about all the other times I've been in tears, in agony, or said your name out loud; and I hear your sweet voice once again, "Don't worry mommy, everything's going to be alright."  I think of your Haileyfly at the beach. All your Haileyflies, all those times...

Our precious angel. My sunshine...

I will fight until I can't no more.

Until it's time, to be with you.

I miss you Hailey. I love you...

Always & forever,
Your mommy.