6 months

My Dear Hailey,

I hope you didn't see what a big mess I was yesterday. I knew I'd be a mess, just not that big of a mess...I'm sorry honey.

I try to stay strong for you, for me, for everybody. But grief has to be dealt with face to face sometimes. It's no use turning your back trying to ignore it. So I confront it, using every weapon I have. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But yesterday I didn't even try to fight, because I knew it had me beat from the start.

I was in your room for a good part of the morning, going through your things. At first there was a lot of tears seeing everything as you left it. Perfect & orderly. All your babies on your bed, perfectly lined up & covered with your blanket. Your stuffed animals (doggies) in their beds on the floor, also lined up & covered by a blanket. You were such a good mommy.

All your perfumes, books neatly placed on your bookshelf. Your clothes & shoes in the closet, clothes neatly folded & separated in your drawers. Besides leaving your trail of clothes around the house & on your bedroom floor all the time, your room was usually always that clean. You must of cleaned it extra good before we left for the trip...

I also found your "things to do" checklist on your dresser. This stung me the worst, even when I first saw it after coming back from Bolivia. I thought, "My poor baby didn't know she wasn't coming back. We didn't know. None of us knew." "Just imagine if she knew...." "Just imagine if any of us knew" "If I only knew....why didn't I know?" "How could I have not known??????"

We would of never gone. No way would we have ever made the trip. We would of stayed here, where things might of turned out differently....maybe you would of had a better chance. why, why, why............what if, what if, what if......

I know it's the worst thing to do, to think these thoughts my mouse. But I can't help it. I know it's not the way life works. We never know, that's the problem. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. Nothing is guaranteed...And although I force myself to stop these thoughts before they continue to haunt & torture me....a part of me will always ache with wonder.

I haven't been able to throw out or move anything in your room. But that note...the checklist you wrote on a yellow sticky note that lays on top of your "Sisters" book, is the only thing I'm tempted to hide away for good. Because it's always a reminder to me....

She didn't know.

And it breaks my heart over & over again.

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But then I think I know the reason for that. Because; you would of been so scared. So sad. Instead, you went peacefully, with your closest loves by your side. Without ever knowing....

You left this Earth, drifting...
Flying up to Heaven....
Where God was waiting.....
With open arms & along the other angels....
He gave you your wings.

And that is what I will always imagine my beautiful girl.

There were things I found that made me smile too. More art, notes, scraps from the Christmas presents you made for us, little things that belonged to you that are only you. :)

I will cherish it always.

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I hope you got our balloons & saw the pretty flowers we picked out for you baby girl. Six balloons for six months. Six thousand times we've whispered we love you. Six thousand times we've whispered we miss you.

Always & forever,
Your mommy <3