Daddy

My mouse,

The most painful experience besides losing someone you love, is the feeling of being completely & utterly helpless...while and as you losing that person.

Twice now in the last six months, we have lost two people in our family whom we love with all our hearts, to diseases with no cure. Cruel, callous, devastating, unforgiving diseases...

And we've to had to watch it all play out, with the inability to do a thing about it. As if we were forcibly tied to a chair with our feet bound, hands tied behind our backs, mouths covered with masking tape, eyes forced wide open... watching the most horrible, scariest, heartbreaking movie playing over & over right before your eyes.

It's enough to break & traumatize anyone for life, my mouse. First you, now Daddy. :(

Although Daddy's disease hasn't taken him away completely, it has taken enough of him that he is no longer living with us. Although we haven't yet lost him completely, we have come really close this time & it's really scary & sad. The one thing we feared most after you passed, was that another one of us would get sick, either mentally or physically, or both, because not one of us would be strong enough to fight it.

At first, as much as we were suffering we managed to stay strong as a family. We were trying to pull together for the sake of your sisters. For ourselves, and you my beautiful angel. It didn't take long before things turned for the worst. I saw the early signs & hoped once again, that with enough prayers...enough pleading & crying that someone, if not Daddy; God or Jesus or a higher power would have mercy on us. As resentful as I still was towards God, for not saving you....as a last & only resort, desperate for help, I asked Him to help us.

As you probably already know, Daddy is with Grandma & Pop Pop. He arrived there yesterday (for the second time). I don't know if you heard the prayer Bella & I said out loud before having breakfast Saturday morning? (Sissy was still sleeping) We asked God to give us strength to go on, & strength specially for Daddy, to get better. The next morning, he came to pick up some warmer clothes for Jersey & took a train back to Grandma's....

I have realized that no higher power controls our actions or makes decisions for us, baby girl. I know that ultimately, it was up to Daddy this time to help himself, because no one else could. God knows, we've tried over & over so many times over the years.

The day of your sixth month anniversary, I took off work & not only mourned for you but also for Daddy. Because deep down, I knew that even with whatever the outcome of his recovery would be, our relationship as husband & wife was over. I don't remember ever crying so many tears...losing two of my loves in such a short time. I am still heartbroken my mouse. We all are & will be maybe forever.

I could write chapters & chapters of our history together, my sweet girl. A whole book probably. But it would a sad book. I rather not recall any of it right now. This letter is hard enough for me to write as it is.

But I'm writing it to tell you, as I've told your sisters....that you three have always been the most important things in my life. That no matter what, you have always brought such joy to our family. That as long as I have breath in my body, I will try my best to make sure they are safe, healthy & happy. They will always come first.

And like I told Daddy after you passed; I can't do this alone. Not this time. I needed him to be there for me this time. I needed him to be my rock, just this once. I warned him that should anything else happen, I wasn't strong enough to hold all of us together. That he'd have to pull his own weight...that if it came down to it...if I had to make a choice, I'd have to let him go in order to save ourselves.

So I let go, my mouse. It hurt me to the core to do so, it still does, but I had no other choice. Your sisters need me more. They need at least one sane semi-strong parent. Now is such a crucial time & they need me to be their rock. Just like my Dad has always been mine, still is & always will be, more so because my mother never could be.

I know Daddy is suffering too. I know he loves all of us. Unfortunately his disease is a selfish one & sometimes doesn't allow for him to show it. We can always forgive him but not the disease. At the end, all we can really do is just keep loving him & hope that it's enough for him to fight it.

But we've learned not to keep our hopes up too much, my angel. From past experience, it has always lead us to just more pain. And we just can't handle any more. It's not fair.

So we will just continue to pray, as we have been doing every Sunday now. Visiting the church after hours, Bella lighting prayer candles for you & now Daddy. And for ourselves too. For Grandma, Pop Pop, Nanny, Uncle Chris & Dan...the whole family who is hoping & wishing for another miracle.

Like Grandma says, "It's us who we feel sorry for. The ones that love him. The ones that can't eat or sleep worrying..."

But I worry about all of us. I feel sorry for all of us. Him too. :(

I hope you know Daddy loves you too my mouse. He loves all three of you the same. I hope you can see a light at the end of all this. If you can, please stay by his side. Please ask God to help him get better too. We need all the help we can get.

I love you my sweet girl.
I hope you are not sad.
And if you are, don't be afraid to see me in my dreams.
Don't be afraid to hug me.
I'll be your rock too, still.
I'll hug you too, & tell you that everything will be alright.

Know that I love you. Know that I miss you.
Know that I will forever & ever,
be your mommy. <3