In the light

My Dear Hailey,

I can't believe it will soon be six months. I don't know why the anniversary months are so hard. And they get harder...

I have a feeling I will be without voice. Without reason of mind. In other words my baby, I don't think I will be able to write you or do much of anything that day. So I will just tell you now, how much we love & miss you. That not a day goes by you are not thought of.

I will tell you now, that in the first few days, in the midst of the darkness...after your passing, I asked God:

"How could you do this to me?"
"How am I supposed to go on without my baby?"

With such rage & pain in between uncontrollable powerful sobs...that I just couldn't believe, my sweet girl. I couldn't believe that it was even possible to feel such rage & pain and still be standing, breathing, living...

How could it be?

Grief has no boundaries. Once it takes hold, that's it.

I'm so glad you never had to experience this. It's a pain I don't wish on anyone.

********

I will tell you, that I didn't think I would be able to. Live & breath no more...

Because the pain was just too much. The depth of my sorrow reached beneath a layer of me I didn't even know existed. A layer that you're not supposed to know exists, but unfortunately discover when you experience a loss so great. A dark scary sinking hole that invites you to stay for a while, maybe even for good.

But you know it would be really bad if you did. So you struggle with every bit of energy you have to try & leave....go back to where you know is safe & familiar. It doesn't take long before you start to lose energy & hope...it's a long way back...and you rapidly start slipping.

The truth is, you can't do it alone. If you are lucky, you see people above you with life savers, ropes, ladders, arms, & hands waiting to pull you back up. And they are waiting for you with a smile and a warm blanket with which they wrap you in, hug you for a long while & don't let go. Until you say it's ok to do so.

I will tell you, my beautiful girl, that I still sometimes feel like being wrapped in a warm blanket. I often times feel myself slipping. And I don't think that feeling will ever end. I think the rest of my days will be a constant struggle of not slipping back into that damn hole.

Many people don't understand that part of grief. That it often rears it's ugly head, out of nowhere & finds you. It has your number, it knows your address, its inserted a tracker in your heart & will find you. Time nor distance won't be factor. No matter how far you run....or how many days, months, years may pass....it will find you.

It becomes your old friend.

**********

I will tell you also, my sweet girl that it is possible to slowly heal even with grief following behind you like a dark shadow. With time, you learn things. You read things, you meet people. People who have or are going through the same thing you are. You grow. Yes, your grief grows too. The pain doesn't go away or lessen...you just learn to live with it.

Some can say "only six months"....some can say "already 6 months". To me, 6 months have felt like 600 years...6 lifetimes. But still, like it happened yesterday.

Although God still hasn't given me answers to those questions, that I still ask today. I've come up with a possible few answers of my own.

 "How could you do this to me?"
He really didn't "do anything" to me. As much as I want to believe there was a reason, I've come to learn of many tragedies that happen in this world (specially involving children), without rhyme or reason. Not God's doing or undoing...just a part of life. It's just part of the beautiful yet cruel, fucked up world we live in. As much as I can't blame myself....I cannot blame Him either.

"How am I supposed to go on without my baby?"
As best I can, one day at a time. Not forgetting I have two other babies that need me. And I them, just as much. I'm supposed to live & go on honoring the life of my baby, wanting to make her proud. Imagining her waiting for me on the other side, with her arms wide open, ready for a big hug & kiss. I have to live, because I owe it to her, to myself & my other babies. But when the day comes and it's my turn, it shouldn't be a day of sadness. It will be a day of peace & happiness.

On the days when grief threatens & I can manage to shoo it away, I do so with these thoughts:

My baby hasn't gone. Just her body, but not her soul. Part of her soul lies within me. She breathes my air, feels what I feel, sees what I see, reads my thoughts, shares my joys & sorrows...sharing the same heartbeat. These letters remind me of this, my angel.

It also allows me to tell you all the things I want to tell you.

All those things that I've already told you,
Time & time again.
That I still and will always miss you.
There will be good days and bad.
My love for you is eternal.

These days, I try and not ask Him why....I just ask that he take care of you.
At least until I get there...
I ask for strength for all of us.
As much as he can give us, my mouse.

Because I will never do good in the darkness. It's not the place for me. Or any of us...

It's in the light that I can see your beautiful face. Your sweet smile. Your wavy brown mermaid hair blowing in the wind...those beautiful brown eyes with the long eyelashes...

It's in the light that we will meet.

It's in the light...where you will also see your mommy truly happy again.

Until I see you again, my sweet angel.

I love you with all my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy