Justice

My little girl,

I started my new schedule this week. It'll take a while to get used to, but I'll write when I can. Wish it was more often. But now I'll have less time. I'll just have to get another routine down..

Thanksgiving is in a couple of days. It won't be the same without you. I'm trying not to get worked up about it. Truth is, I can try all I want but I can already feel the wave of sadness coming....

This showed up on my FB memories the other day:

My cute pilgrim.

I remember that day. This was in Victory, your first school. This is Sophia, who was in your class & one of your good friends. The sister of Kayla's best friend at the time, Stephanie. They kind of lost touch after a while...oh how time flies.

Bella was a turkey one year too. I loved going to see all your plays, all your performances.... again thank goodness I took all those pics. I was one of those cheesy moms holding up the camera filming & flashing like paparazzi, but I didn't care. Now I'm so glad I did. I will hold on to the memories forever.

*****

I didn't want to let another day pass without writing about Friday. This is what I posted on your page:

It really went great, my beautiful girl. I know you know...

Hopefully this is the first step to other great things to come. I was hoping to of done much more by now, my girl. To be more of an advocate, to be more of a voice, to do more to keep your memory alive...but the reality is I'm lucky to have made it even this far. To be still standing...to have loosened the grips of grief enough to be able to just breath again...

But then again, some people have commented of how amazing I am or ask how? Or even why? I don't always see what they see I guess, or know how. But then I think- only because of family & friends have I made it this far. Only because I feel such a passion for kicking this disease in the ass that I feel the need to spread awareness.

For justice. For you.

Because it's this disease that stole you from me. It's because of this damn disease, that you are gone. The reason I can't hold you anymore. Or watch you grow up....all of that, is gone now. And I will never be ok with it baby girl. This is why I will continue to fight it, until the day I die.

And had you been stolen from me in another kind of way, like many other parents have; car accidents, other illnesses, murders, kidnappings, suicides... I would of sought & fought for justice then too. Just like so many other parents out there do.

Only a parent who's lost a child understands the rage we feel inside. The fire that burns within... made up of anger, sadness, devastation, regret, guilt & helplessness that comes from our loss.

A fire that needs to be extinguished somehow...

We don't all get to choose our methods of extinguishing that fire. Sometimes it chooses us.

I guess I chose to fight. I choose love and life. I will use it to do something good. I will do it for me, for you & your sisters.

I couldn't save you my mouse. :(

So this is the next best thing I can do.

Fight for some justice in a world so unjust.
Fight for awareness for those unaware, like me.
Fight for love and peace in a world of hate.

Fight for you...my angel. Who stood for everything good.
This is your legacy.
I will make sure it gets passed on.

I love & miss you so much.

Forever,
Your mommy