My sweet girl,
I can't believe November is here. I guess I feel this way at the start of every month. But this month is different, in that it is the start of all the holidays & birthdays. Usually, this time of year is hectic but happy. I'm trying to remain in the "happy" zone. Trying not to get too overwhelmed with everything. Trying not to make any solid plans for anything or with anyone...
I just can't predict how I'm (or we) going to feel or what's going to happen in the upcoming weeks. It's our first year without you...the first holiday season (and your favorite). I don't want to live in fear, waiting for the wave of grief to crush us. So we continue to keep busy. Hoping to maybe dodge it when it comes. But I've learned to never be unprepared in case it does. The question is- will it be debilitating? Or can we get through it, like we've been trying to do all this time?
Like that old saying goes: "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst."
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Sissy is planning for her 15th birthday. She wasn't sure if she wanted to have a quinceñera this year or wait for her sweet 16th next year. With the timing of everything that's happened & the fact that we don't really do "quinceñeras" in our family, we've decided to save the big bash for next year.
Of course, that doesn't mean she doesn't want to do anything. She said because we've done the movie & pizza thing with her friends, for two years in a row now, she wants to do something "different". Ideas of shopping & lunch in Georgetown, or dinner at the National Harbor with her friends have been in the works for one day.
Then of course we'd have another party with just family. But since we can't fit our entire family in one house, we'd have to keep it rather small. Papi promised to make lasagna. To me, that would be birthday enough... But I have a feeling Sissy would like something a little more. :)
You know I've always tried to make your birthdays special & memorable. As much as I would love to do more, sometimes we have to be realistic & settle for what is doable. I'm sure everything will work out & Sissy will have fun either way. She deserves it.
I'm so proud of both your sisters, mouse. Despite all our hardship throughout these past months, they continue to prosper. Sissy is still working hard to keep her grades up. She still hangs out with her friends & has fun, but is also home to help with chores, watching Bella, etc. We still talk to each other about everything, she continues to not only be my beloved daughter, but my friend. Of course, we still have our disagreements, those "teenage moments" that happen more often than not...:) But nothing compared to how my mom & I were & were not at that age....
I just thank God she's a lot smarter than I ever was & pray she won't make the same mistakes. *knocking on hard solid wood* <3
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As for Bella, your fun-loving, funny & silly sister :)- we just went to her "student lead parent conference" today. Like you did for Mrs. Green's 4th grade class, remember? Like you did, she explained what she learns in class, showed me her projects, notebooks & writings she's been working on. Her teacher also gave me her grades, all A's & a B+ in Social Studies. She said Bella is an "old soul" and loves to have her in class. I could tell she genuinely meant it. I'm glad they get along...
I don't know if you're around when your sister walks around the house randomly singing, playing Club Penguin on the computer with Daniela & Natalia. Reading or watching TV cracking up laughing, begging us to play Hangman on the dry-erase board with her, making us laugh...giving this house life. I can't tell you how much she helps Sissy & I my mouse. She takes after you in that way, that she brings light in times of darkness.
I can remember the first week Daddy left & we were all pretty sad. The house felt even emptier....we were still trying to find our place, adjust to yet another new routine....
Watching TV in the living room, together...but not really talking. Not really together...Sissy on her phone, me probably on my phone too, watching TV but not really watching...each in our own heads.
Then all of a sudden Bella says in excitement, "Let's play Hangman!" She sits in the middle of the living room with her chair & board & starts to draw...choosing a five letter word.
She forced our attention to her, so we put our phones down. We start to play & then in amazement, all of a sudden we are laughing & having fun. She stumped us both with that five letter word so much, that our poor hangman was one eyeball away from being hanged. :)
Sissy finally guessed it; HELLO.
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That silly game of Hangman broke the ice, my beautiful girl. I know you were probably watching laughing & maybe even wishing you could play too. :( But no doubt you had a hand in helping break the thick layer of sadness that had us covered.
The fact that we were laughing & smiling again- was a big deal.
So, we've been playing it ever since. Even when I'm not in the mood sometimes...(because Bella doesn't like to give anyone else turns :) When she announces a new game, I drop what I'm doing & pay attention to her. And she's good at stumping us, even though Sissy's much better at guessing than I am. :)
So it seems, happiness can be found in such small things, baby girl. Who knew?
Laughter & good times were always a part of our lives too. It wasn't always pain & sadness. We have to always remember this, & try to make new memories doing the same. Laughing & having a good time. I have a feeling it's the only way we'll survive. And not just survive to live, my mouse....
But to actually really LIVE.....
And what right do we have, to live here on here on this Earth, when you can't?
I've asked myself this question many times. The only answer I came up with, is because we owe it to you. And ourselves...
You were & still are the definition of love, laughter & sunshine. It's what you taught us, in your short but full life.
So we owe it to you. To carry on your memory....
Remembering your sweetness, your craziness, your silliness & sassiness. All of it makes us smile, baby girl.
All those good things you left behind, will live through us.
We will live patiently, waiting to see you again.
We will live meaningfully, in honor you.
Instead of watching the days go by in sadness, we'll remember that it's just one more day closer, to seeing you again.
With those thoughts, I'll go to sleep now my angel.
As always, I hope to see you in my dreams.
As always, I love & miss you.
Always & forever,
Your mommy <3
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