Scare

My dear Hailey,

It's just me at home this morning, writing you this letter. Your sisters are at school. They woke up feeling glad it's Friday. These last couple of weeks have felt long for all us.

I had a scare yesterday when I logged on & saw that all the pictures I posted on your blog were "restricted" & not displaying correctly. I was sad thinking about all the time I spent dedicating myself to your letters; not wasted, but ruined because of a some stupid computer glitch. :(

Thankfully Sissy helped me figure out that it was all because of a setting I changed a couple days ago, so we fixed it. I was SO relieved!

So, I started to print out all the entries starting from the very beginning...I had started to do this months ago, but never finished. One of my many unfinished "projects". :( I got a binder, a real pretty blue floral one, page protectors for the sentimental pictures, dividers with pretty cool designs on them...they all have a touch of you on them. :)

What happened made me realize that trusting on the good ole' internet to keep these letters safe, isn't really a good idea. As I was troubleshooting I learned that many things can happen; hackers, glitches, etc. Anyway baby, I ran out of ink last night but will buy some more today. I'll make sure to finish printing them all this time & print as I go.

I pour out my heart on these letters. They are unpolished, sometimes raw, but always truthful. No apologies. I sometimes read them out loud & imagine you sitting next to me. They say spirits can often read minds, so I read them to myself too. I do it for myself, because it's very therapeutic for me. I do it for you, to keep your memory alive. I do it for others who may relate to we're going through. I do it for awareness, so no other family has to go through, what we've been through. Even it reaches just one person....that is good enough.

I also do it for your sisters. One day, long from now....it will be added to my collection of journals & other writings. For your sisters to read, if they care to. A keepsake...a collection of memories. An explanation of me, my heart, my mind & soul. It's the best gift I leave behind; a part of me. I hope they will see it as that, at least. More valuable than money or material things. At least, that's what it means to me.

Even if they don't agree.
Even they don't see eye to eye.
I hope they can at least understand.
We are bound together always,
Blood, heart & soul.
And love.
The most valuable of them all....

I love you & your sisters,
Always & forever.
Your mommy <3