Another month is ending. I can't believe it'll be December in just a couple of days...
It's been warmer than usual for this time of year. Today was a rainy dreary day. It's true what they say about the weather affecting people's moods. I'm dreading winter. I'm dreading the long cold dreary winter days, without you.
Of course all the Christmas stuff is out. Black Friday passed- Thanksgiving passed. I was dreading it too, but we managed to not only survive it but had a nice time with the family. One of the things to be thankful for this time of year- family. They get it & they care. Although we didn't make any promises or plans for Turkey Day, I knew it would be better to be around them. Instead of alone, at home, dwelling on the fact that you aren't physically here with us.
I made a conscious decision to stay busy that day, so I was up early making breakfast & also put the turkey in the oven. Then worked on the sides. It turned out great because Auntie came over just in time for lunch, when everything was ready. She brought flowers & food too, to brighten our day. :) Then for dinner we went to Papi's and feasted once again. It was nice but sad too, my mouse.
I guess that's why holidays are hard for many. It's a time for reflection, not only for all the blessings we have, but those we've lost too. Missing those who can't be with us. Missing what was & longing for what we wished could be.
We missed you especially baby girl. We went to visit you at the gardens & dropped off some pretty flowers, like we always do. Fall colored ones this time. Your sisters & I have said, we're always going to make sure your spot is the prettiest.
Never forgotten...
******
What made things harder was that the day before Thanksgiving, we dropped Daddy off at a rehab facility almost two hours away. After being hospitalized for the third time in a couple months, he's finally going to get the care he needs. Real professional help, instead of the in & out ER visits, or the 2-3 day stays that only help him so much...I can't believe it's taken him almost losing his life, to finally seek help for himself & for those doctors to realize they were dealing with a much more serious case with him.
I know I haven't written much about him, my sweet girl. It's because it hurts to talk about. And partly because I know you can see from where you are, what's been going on. Because I know you & God must hear all our prayers. All the prayers from everybody that's been living the nightmare with us, these last few months.
When the last doctor who treated Daddy in the hospital said to him, "There is one bed that just became available at the treatment center. It's all yours. You must have someone looking out after you...."
We all knew it was you.
So we didn't have much of a choice to drive him there the same day & drop him off. It was either that, or lose the bed. Lose the help he needs to survive his disease...mostly likely lose his life.
It wasn't easy for us, my mouse. I know you know. I hadn't seen him in weeks. Kept limited contact, mostly through texts. But even in the texts, I could see the decline. Even with the help of Grandma & Pop Pop- it wasn't enough. Daddy needed the help none of us could give him & this time, he had to look for it & accept it for himself. At the end, he was begging for it.
It's heartbreaking baby girl. For all of us, that care about him. To feel helpless. But sometimes in order to really help someone, you have to let go. That is finally what we all did. We had to...
Like I read in a quote around the same time this was all happening:
At least he's in a place where he can get some real help. We're proud & happy for him. He wasn't dragged or forced this time. I may have dropped him off, but it's only because he couldn't drive himself. Even to get there, he took the first step in taking a taxi to the hospital that referred him to begin with. It's too soon to know if it'll work or not. But it's a start.
So we continue to pray. To push on. What else could we do?
I know some days I feel I don't want to, or have it in me to. Sure, I've cried. Sure, my heart is broken. I'm broken. But I still work; meaning my heart & mind. At least, my heart still beats. My mind still functions. I will continue to push on, until that isn't the case anymore...
Life is hard, my angel. I wish I knew why. I wish I knew what the point is. If all our trails & tribulations are to make us stronger....why is this needed? If heaven is as beautiful & peaceful as they say? Why do we need all this armor to enter it? Why the battle scars?
I wish I knew.
But I do know one thing,
This is how I know you're truly an angel.
Angels don't have scars.
Angels don't need armor.
They are just sweet & beautiful beings,
Like you.
Your spirit guiding us, keeping us strong.
I love & miss you my sweet angel.
Every single day. For the rest of my life.
Forever, your mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment