8 months

My Hailey,

I woke up this morning not remembering right away, that today was 8 months. I'm sorry. I know you probably heard me apologize to you in my head all the way to the gardens, and then when I had my time alone with you there....

I don't know why I felt bad, or guilty about it. I guess it's something that I got used to...revolving our lives through all the firsts; the first day, then week, then month. Then all the seconds; second month, second season, and so on. We slowly got away from counting the weeks, forcibly so because it was the only way we'd be able to keep our sanity. But the months were different. We couldn't get away from counting those. But we didn't want to either...

We use those days to honor you in some way, my mouse. Whether we do flowers, balloon releases, mass...it doesn't matter. Yes, it makes us sad to realize more time has passed without you. It does bring back bad flashbacks of that day.  We cry, hug, and let the grief take over. But we also remember to love too. To hug each other more tightly, to love deeper & search harder for the true meaning of our existence.

More importantly, we remember you my sweet angel.

It doesn't get any easier Hailey. But even though I didn't remember today was 8 months, first thing....I did remember to say hi to you when I opened the blinds & saw the bright morning sun. I never forget that. I never forget to say goodnight when I look up at the stars either, my angel. I don't have to remember. It's as natural to me now as breathing.

So I guess I shouldn't feel bad or guilty. Maybe it's a sign of healing that I should be glad about. Even though it still hurts like hell, we've somehow learned how to live & manage with the pain. To feel it when it comes, but push it aside & allow more room for love.

For love always wins, my sweet girl.

To show our love for you, we placed your pretty Christmas tree by your plaque this morning. Sissy & I took some time in picking it out, along with the fairy & decorations. I hope you like it.

There's a story that goes with the purple Haileyfly. Keep reading. :)

Your tree & Mikey, Zulen & Joshua's Haileyfly.

We took the girls- Natalia & Daniella with us too. They spend the night each Saturday now & they love to visit you each Sunday with us. We took them ice skating afterwards. They had a lot of fun. It reminded me when I took you girls a few years ago. I imagined you skating along with them today...

No hands. :)

They took this pic to send you a message: We love you Hailey!

Winter 2012- First time ice skating, or attempting to :)

We always remember you my Hailey. You are always with us.

*****

I wanted to also show you this surprise we got on our doorstep. Actually, right underneath your angel statue that Grandma got you. :)

It was a envelope with this sweet letter, a Christmas card & a gift card to a salon & your beautiful Haileyfly :)

It had no return address or name attached nor was it signed, but I have a strong feeling of who it might be. Only a few people (of which read this blog) know about your "Haileyfly". :) And if she's reading this now, I just want to say THANK YOU!! For the letter, the card & the gift card, but mostly for thinking of us & of Hailey. For thinking of us now and all this time in between... :)

It really warmed our hearts, my mouse. We read it together in the foyer downstairs & hugged each other, me in tears. It's heartfelt & genuine, & it means a lot.

As time goes by, people tend to move on with their lives. They maybe not entirely forget, but not entirely remember either. But the ones left behind always remember. Us, the ones that loved you & love you still, we don't forget. Sometimes we feel alone in that path. Sometimes the path feels cold & empty. So even small gestures as this are felt as big gestures of love.

Sometimes, they serve as the only light in our path. And we, the ones walking it...so much appreciate it.

****

So you see my beautiful angel, we are surviving. With the love of our loved ones, with the energy we feel surrounded by your spirit & the help of God. We did that today too, we went to church & prayed. To you, because we know you can hear us. To God & Jesus, who have you by their side.

We pray for strength & we give our thanks that we've made it this far. We pray that they take care of you, until we see you again.

My sweet angel, my love, my daughter....

I miss you more than words can say.
Eight months since I last held you in my arms.
But I will never stop holding you in my heart.
Nothing, nothing, can ever tear us apart.

I love you every single day of my life.

Forever,
Your Mommy