I'm sorry I haven't written as much lately. Our days stay busy & go by so fast. One, after another. But there isn't a day that goes by when we're not thinking of you, missing you with every breath.
I never got to tell you about Sissy's birthday, even though I'm sure you were there. You wouldn't of missed it for the world. Just like Bella didn't. She had the choice of staying with the kids or going with Sissy & her friends. She insisted on coming along. :)
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| Dinner at El Tio's |
Then she had her party with the family. She looked so beautiful.
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| La Quinceañera |
We had a great time, even though the family couldn't get her to dance. Maybe next year. ;)
15 years old, my mouse. It's hard to believe. I kept thinking about the day she was born & all the things that have happened since. 15 years of memories, milestones....and to think she's still only a baby. This is just the beginning of a long happy life. I know she will succeed in whatever she chooses to do, whoever she chooses to be. She's already a smart, beautiful, kind & passionate soul. It's amazing to watch her become a young lady. She's a great daughter, friend & the best big sister anyone could ask for.
I know you will look after her always, just like she looked out for you.
******
Last week was Valeria's birthday too. Every time I see her, I kiss her twice. Once for you. Since she was the last baby, she was your favorite. I can't believe she's three already.
The day before her party, Daniela found an old CD from her Kindergarten class at Glenkirk. We all got excited to see a random picture of you pop up, wearing a blue top with a butterfly in the middle & the cholita earrings Papi got you after one of his trips to Bolivia. You wore those for months with every outfit. :)
You were sitting next to a little boy in her class. Daniela said she remembered that day. Your 2nd grade class came to read to them, as 'reading buddies'. You had your usual sweet smile on your face, my little girl. It touched all of us to see you appear on her computer, so unexpectedly. But what really got us even more, was Valeria's reaction when she saw you.
Upon seeing your picture she immediately got so excited. She said "Bella!" (which she would always do, mix up your names) She was flapping her arms in excitement, face all lit up, smiling, looking at all of us...
Then, she stopped.
She turned her face away & hugged Kayla, who was holding her. She turned sad & said "No more. No more." She didn't want to look anymore. It's like she realized, when she looked around to all of us....that you weren't there. She knows you're not here, baby. :(
We were sad to see her second reaction. She's too young for us to explain anything to her...yet she knew. Too young to explain to her that you are here, in spirit. But even that may of not been good enough. Her face said it all.
We were also amazed she remembered. It's not that's its been that long, my mouse. It's just that little kids usually have short term memory. Yet, she remembered. But then again how could she not? You were the baby whisperer. :) Always had that magic touch.
You loved them, and they loved you back.
And I know you've come to visit her. Papi & Ayde have told me about the times she's pointed & said your name. The many times they've felt you were hanging around the kids, random but powerful signs. They will never forget, my beautiful girl.
I hope she never forgets...but if by the natural way of life, she does....
As long as I am alive, I will be there to remind her.
When we went to Val's party, Auntie was in tears. She said it was because she was just thinking of us. I know.... it's because she misses you too. <3
******
The same day as Val's bday, Alina & the kids came over for breakfast. Madeline was excited to show us her blue & purple highlights. Specially her purple ones, that she got in honor of you. Alina said her & Max always talk about you too. They mention your name in their prayers at night. For Thanksgiving, Madeline asked to save a placemat at the table for you. So sweet... :)
We went to show them your plaque at the gardens too, & they left a pink rose they bought for you. I know you were there, my Hailey. I know you could hear & see us smiling at the memories & crying tears for you, listening to Alina tell me, "We miss her."
******
Your friends still remember you too. I got a text with this pic from Dom's mom saying they went to a lights show & thought of you when they came across a tree with purple lights & a purple butterfly. :)
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| So sweet to remember you. |
I want to see it too.
******
Last night, we went to see Bella's first choral recital. She was so excited & nervous, it was cute. She has been working hard in rehearsals since school started, going to practice twice a week. Memorized every song, & even the few lines she had as an announcer. I love to see her passionate about something, specially singing because she's good at it. She sings with such heart. :)
Not only did we see Dom's mom there, but we also ran into Carly too. Just like the last time we saw her at the fair over the summer, she came over & gave us all a big hug. She said it made her feel kind of sad to be there. She remembered the violin recital last year & how you both talked about it the next day. I remembered too. As soon as I sat down, my mind went to the last time we were there. Your violin recital.
You were so excited to learn how to play.
I knew you were there too, Hailey. We were sitting there, proudly watching your sister's performance. Enjoying watching her belt it out, along with the rest of the kids (They did so good). I couldn't get a good shot of the all of them from where I was sitting, plus I was hot because we were squished together. I had my coat on. So I stood up against the wall to record their last song in clear view.
After the song was over & I pressed stop, a sudden chill spread throughout my body. From my head to my toes! I looked around to see if they had turned any fans on or wondered if the AC suddenly on. But AC in the winter?
My first instinct was to think you of you my mouse. The chill was soft like a wave but so noticeable. Like you were trying to let me know you were there. That you loved the performance. That you were proud of your sister, and you wanted me to let her know.
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| Bella n her bestie. |
******
Some things get a little easier over time. I don't think that I would of been able to sit there months ago, with those memories of you & your violin running through my mind.
But wanting to see Bella sing, not only got me through it but also allowed me to enjoy it. I was glad to be there. To see Dom's mom & your friend. Oh, and my mouse I'm glad Daddy was there to see it too...I know you were too.
Not only to see him at the recital. But alive. He made it out of that place more than just alive...
The world is so beautiful & harsh at the same time, my angel. A constant battle between love & war. But I think in the end, we get to choose which side we fight for.
I will try & always choose love. For you & your sisters. For myself too.
I love, love, love you.
And I miss you. Everyday.
Forever,
Your mommy
😘💜
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