Not Alone

My little girl,

I'm up thinking of you. Thinking about this FB memory that popped up today...



This time last year.

So many thoughts run through my mind when looking at this. I knew it was around this time last year, we had bought the tickets to Bolivia, but couldn't remember the exact date. So, here it is.

I can't tell you how many times I've wished we never made the trip. How much guilt I've felt...how I've wondered if things would of turned out differently if we had been home in the States. How I've hated myself for being so caught up in the stupid trip & not noticing the signs of you being sick. For not acting sooner...

It's taken my family & friends, other bereaved parents, your doctor, the one therapist I saw & a lot of reading of those grief books & researching Type one Diabetes to make me realize, it's no one's fault.

Last week, another mom whose son passed away from undiagnosed Type One reached out to me from your FB page. She shared her story, of how her 13 year old son had flu like symptoms for 2 days. How she let him stay home from school, letting him rest, disinfected the house, etc.....thinking it was just the flu. That he would get better in a few days. Never even got the chance to call the doctor, my mouse. He passed away overnight in his own bedroom. She found him the next day. She was too late. IN JUST TWO DAYS.

It's more than heartbreaking. It's unjust, it's crushing, it's catastrophic. :(

She invited me to a private group in FB specifically for bereaved parents of children who passed from Type One. There are so many more than I ever imagined, my mouse. :( It's heartbreaking. I cried reading all the stories. Most very similar to ours. One family lost their daughter too while overseas. They were in Italy. In her mom's own words, "A nightmare within a nightmare."

I shared our story & got back many sympathetic comments. We shared the same feelings of pain, guilt, regret....the sorrow. I was very thankful to Kathy (the mom who invited me to the group) for inviting me. Even though it broke my heart to discover we are not alone....it is also comforting to know, we are not alone.

I hope you've met all those precious angels. I hope you aren't alone either. <3

******
So many things were different this time last year, my sweet girl. In that picture, we were standing in front of the Christmas tree at the National Harbor. We had made a day out of it & went to the Ice Show at the Gaylord Hotel. You girls loved it, specially you & Bella. You didn't mind your frozen booties, just so you could go down the slide made of ice, "just one more time Mommy!"

You & Bella sliding on ice. :)

We had so much fun that day.

Frosty the Snowman Ice Show

I'm so thankful to have these memories. It's not me living in the past, my Hailey. It's just me holding on to what I have left of you, my beautiful girl. I remember & it makes me smile....

Your sisters & I will continue to make memories, with you included. But these are the ones we will cherish forever.


Sisters forever <3

I love you my girls.

My sweet beautiful girls.

No matter where you are.

Remember that you are never alone.

Remember the love.

Remember the smiles & the laughs.

The great times we've had.

Keep the memories safe inside your heart.

Reach down when you need to.

And it will get you through.

Forever & always,
Your mommy. <3