Plans

Dear baby girl,

Another Monday has passed. Wasn't it just New Year's yesterday?? Some days it seems I can't catch up & others are just so long...

I have my first winter cold, right before my birthday. Hope it doesn't spread to your sisters. Bella of course is excited about her birthday, exactly a week after mine. But that's ok. For almost 10 years now, I'm used to her stealing my thunder. ;)

I have been trying to cope with the mixed feelings of her upcoming birthday....after all it's her 10th. You were 10 too.  Just a couple weeks before your 11th birthday, my sweet girl.

Daddy's been trying to help, telling me I shouldn't think of it that way. That we had you for closer to 11 years. I know he's right. It's a constant battle between my brain & my heart...

It gets tiring having to fight all the time between the two. But I do, because I know your sister has every right to have her birthday & enjoy it; without those bad thoughts in the background. So I won't talk about it again, but silently my angel, I grieve.

*******

Before we knew Mikey was planning on visiting for Christmas, we had talked about going away for the holidays. Somewhere far, somewhere warm. Close to the beach...like when we saw your Haileyfly.

Once he announced his plans to visit, we forgot ours. But sadly, Joshua got sick & they never made it. :( It made our Christmas even sadder, my mouse. We would of gladly given up a trip around the world to see them again. It's been too long. But this is a New Year with new possibilities & hopefully we will see them not too far in the future...I miss my brother. <3

In the meantime, we were still left with the urge to get away. I say we, but really I guess it's just me. But...once I mentioned the idea of going somewhere for the weekend, in celebration of both our birthdays, your sisters both agreed.

So, it looks we're going to Florida, my mouse. We're going to see Minnie & Mickey :) The last time we were there, you were just 2 years old. Sissy was 5 & Bella was in my tummy. Mikey was there too.


Hollywood Studios

This was so long ago. You were just a little mouse & look at Sissy too. Both fit in a stroller. :)

We went in August and it was sooo hot. We had to keep pouring water over your heads & buy one of those battery operated fans...and it was still hot.

I know you don't remember. Sissy barely remembers. Bella always complained that of course she doesn't remember even though technically I told her, she was there too...




All of us, even Bella. :)



Poolside in Daytona- you & your binkie.

 

I wish we had gone again when you were older, so you would of been able to remember it. I know we can't feel guilty about the past, or the present my angel. But it's hard. I'm trying not to think about the idea of another plane ride & another trip...but I'm not the only one.

 

Bella already said she's scared. But I talked to her. I told her this will be a shorter trip, both the plane ride & the days we'll be gone. That she doesn't need to worry. And that you will be there with us. That I know you wouldn't miss it for the world. That out of all the princesses in the world, you 3 are the prettiest. And that every princess deserves to at least visit a castle, at least once...so that's where we plan to go. Magic Kingdom, to see the Cinderella castle.

 

Please please be there with us, my princess....

 

I wouldn't be able to enjoy it, thinking you weren't there with us, someway, somehow. My beautiful girl. How I miss you so much...

 

We are living in two different worlds, learning how to compartmentalize our lives, our feelings, our thoughts. Sometimes they cross over, they get all mixed up. And everyday we have the task of reorganizing...

 

I hope you can understand my thoughts & emotions. Understand that underneath all of this, there is great love there.

 

My Hailey Anne, we're going to see some sun I hope. And have some fun. We deserve it, I think. And I know you will be there, excited as can be, jumping around with Bella & next to Sissy's side....

 

Please be there.

 

I love you,

Mommy