Some Days

Baby girl,

Some days are just so hard to get through. No matter what I do or how much I try to even fake a smile, I just can't. Today was one of those days...

When I'm off work, I try getting out of the house & keeping busy by running errands or cooking, even when I don't really want to or have the energy. I figure doing something is better than nothing.

Today, I went to Bella's school & had lunch with her. I ran errands. I cleaned. I cooked so much food that I invited Papi & the kids over for dinner...Ayde was at work. I was trying to cheer myself up with their company. Some days I hate the silence of house. I used to love it.

But Papi, being my dad, can always see right through me. He's always had that talent. It's hard to lie or fake a smile with him. I know because I've been trying since I was a teenager. :/ He just always knows.

But I don't feel the need to fake anything around him either. The same with Auntie or Mikey, they just know me better than anyone else. I can always be myself around them. I don't need to have my guards up or wear a mask...

The mask I put on to make it through a day of work; for example. Where I talk to many moms with sick kids; kids that are your age; or have close to your same birthday. Where the word diabetes is spoken at least once a day...

Or the mask I wore to your sister's school, your old school; for example. Where I pass by the park & see you there doing your flips on the gymnastic bars; walk into the cafeteria & see the violins all lined up on the stage...

Some days, its doesn't matter where I am or what I do....

I tried not to cry in front of Papi, because I don't want him to feel bad or uncomfortable. But I just couldn't help it my mouse. Some days I just don't feel strong enough. Some days I just need to cry & be held & be told that everything's going to be alright.

I just hate to see my pain reflecting in the other person's eyes, when they do. Specially my father, since he can see right through me. I see it more in his eyes than any others.

We have always been so close with Papi. You know how much we all love him. When I think about all that we have been through; it's really unbelievable. Enough to write a book about!

I smile thinking about all the deep conversations we have about life. It's never about stupid stuff. Or if it is, it's only to get a good laugh. Not only now, but even back when I was a teen. Back when I was rebellious, opinionated & thought I knew everything; we used to have all out battles about society, government, people, love, you name it.

Once I gave a homeless guy in DC some money & he got mad. We had a debate about the homeless that lasted all the way back home....it makes me laugh now, my mouse.

He's shared his dreams with me & inspired mine. He's shared his past, his wisdom, his passions. The story of him & my mom. He's a romantic like me. I've found that I'm more like him than my mom. Even my temper! Not always a good thing. But has calmed down with age I'm learning, and according to Papi; will get calmer & calmer. Let's hope. :/

So this is why it's harder to be my "fake self" around him, baby girl. Some days, like today...when I try to smile only for other people's benefits; I know it's not necessary around him. He loves me & understands me regardless.

Unconditionally. Like I'll always love you & your sisters.

Some days, that's all I need. And then I know I can get through another day.

I miss you with all my heart & soul, my beautiful angel.

Forever & ever,
Your Mommy