April

My angel,

I can't believe it's April already. How is it almost a year?

I have been dreading this month. I have been dreading the "second year", as I've heard is "worst than the first." I've tried not to think about it. Even as I sit here writing you this letter, I'm really not trying to think about it...

I'm just afraid. Afraid that it can actually get worse. My heart & mind doesn't quiet understand though...how? How could it possibly get any worse than what we've been through this past year without you??

They say it's because the first year you are still "numb" from the shock. That the reality of it all hasn't had a chance to really "settle". I can't & don't want to believe that's true. When I think about all the tears we've cried...about how often it hurts so much we find it hard to breath; to function. About how our family almost tore apart....about how close we came to giving up.

It's scary to think, my beautiful girl, that it can get worse than that. :(

We will try our best not to let it. I am proud of us. I'm proud of all of us for not giving up. And we didn't because of you & your sisters. Because of all the great family & friends we have. That is what I want to think about instead. That is the only thing that will get us through.

Love.

****

Instead of dreading it, I will treat it as we have all along. Day by day. Not to get ahead of myself. I will accept that some days won't be good days, & that's ok.

We will take it as it comes. But we will do it together. We will pray for strength. We will look for the light.

We will look for you, our sweet Mousey Anne <3

Love & miss you every single day.

Forever,
Your mommy

My first Haileyfly of the season, waiting for me as soon as I opened
the front door, fluttering around me & the car. Then to the next door
neighbor's where I finally took this pic.