It's not only the dates that take me back to this time last year. These Spring days do too, like it was in Bolivia with its cool mornings & warm afternoons. The sun shining brightly but gently, with a cool breeze blowing reminding us all; that life goes on.
It still goes on, despite what else is happening. Despite causing any previous devastation...each day is a new day. And anything could happen.
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| How true |
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Today we all home again. Daddy, me & your sisters. I think yesterday took such a toll, we needed a day to just be; with only each other. To hopefully enjoy some peace & quiet. It's been just that. Like Daddy said- we are all cried out.
Even though it was nice having Grandma, Pop Pop & the Jersey Evans over for support. They are amazing as always. Driving down in major traffic, after work & school, just to be with us. Then waking up early with us, so we could all attend mass for you at 6:30 am. It had to be that early; but it was ok- because it was closer to the exact time that I last heard your heart beat on those damn hospital machines...
Oh baby girl.
I can't go back to that again. Not today. I'm sorry. I will try & just stick to the good things that happened.
*****
This is the first thing we saw yesterday morning after we were all ready to go:
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| <3 |
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| <3 |
How sweet & thoughtful & what a nice surprise baby girl.
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| :) |
The funny thing is Bella & I were out walking Rocky (our new puppy & another letter ;), and we saw a mini van with balloons inside but no people. It made me think for a minute but it was so early in the morning...it turned out to be Dominic & his mom. They were there at your mass too. :)
It was very touching to see them there. Carly & Ava were there too (we ran into Carly a few days earlier & I gave her my number.). They are such good friends & love you still. They told me how they, along with your other friends at Reagan like Isabelle (who sent me messages & comments on Instagram) wore purple, wrote letters, blew bubbles, drew butterflies & flowers with chalk, sang One Direction songs to you, talked about you all day & how great it was. It made me so happy to hear this & I know you loved it too. They also participated in your Random Act of Kindness Day by donating to the local food pantry in your honor. Like Anthony's mom said; they are a great group of kids & specially- your friends.
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| With your bracelets & your name written on D's arm. <3 |
We will always remember this.
*****Auntie Caroline, Uncle Chris & the boys went to mass. Papi, Ayde & the kids. Abuelita & Tio Bernardo & my friend Cecilia. We were missing Mikey, Zulen & Joshua but it's not their fault, I know they would have if they could. Alina came over the night before just to say hi & because she was thinking of us.
It was a hard day for all of us Hailey. We miss you so much. So many memories of that day, the devastation making it's way back...
We went to breakfast at IHOP & I had French toast, your favorite. Cecilia was nice enough to treat our entire family just because. It was really nice of her- but then again that is nothing new. She took the day off just to be with me. Good friends like that are once in a lifetime baby girl. I'm really blessed.
As a little extra act of kindness- we left the waitress an extra tip with an awareness postcard we made in your memory. I told her about you & she said she has a 13 year old daughter & she could only imagine... No, no she could not ever imagine.... :(
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| :( |
Bella had a field trip she didn't want to miss, so we dropped her off before we headed to the gardens to see you. We were all actually glad to hear she wanted to go. We told her that's what you would of wanted too (but later on she said she regretted it because it was boring & she would of rather spent more time with her cousins :).
It was a beautiful sunny day at the gardens. Cecilia said how pretty & peaceful it was there. I agreed...there's no other place around here I would of picked. It was her first time seeing your plaque & she said how beautiful it turned out.
We placed a beautiful bouquet of white roses with purple flowers in your vase, that we picked out & ordered online specially for you. We all signed your memory lantern, lit it up right there & watched it fly high & disappear into the sky...it was something that should be done at night, but they all had to leave that afternoon.
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| Cici brought you the penguin & Grandma the potted flowers. |
I read Bella's letter out loud on her behalf, since she wasn't there & I barely got through it. But it was so beautiful when she read it last year during your service, I wanted to read it again as a reminder for all of us...
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| <3 |
The tears continued throughout the day Hailey. They were both happy & sad. At the same time, we were having the Random Act of Kindness Day for you & there were people chiming in on your page sharing all the goodness & kindness they were spreading in your name, to honor the kindness you naturally had in you. It was so wonderful my mouse. My heart was elated. I can't wait to share that with you in full detail too. This alone was so special, it deserves it's own letter. :)
****
While everyone was downstairs making lunch before having to leave & drive back- I was upstairs playing the video that was made for your memorial service. I can only remember watching it a couple other times after that day...until yesterday.
https://youtu.be/VfxggW9gfrc
It's so beautiful but it caused me to break down so badly- to see you smiling & living in those pictures & to know that's all I have left of you....
I'm sorry but I just couldn't help it my mouse. I was so overcome by grief, worse than I ever remember that the only thing I wanted at that moment was to call my mom, hear her voice & just cry & cry. And I did just that...
I cried so hard & for so long I couldn't even talk. Every time I tried, I cried harder.
She kept strong, was sweet trying to console me- telling me how much she loved me & how much God loves me (just like Nanny). When I finally could catch my breath, I told her sorry for calling her crying but I just needed to hear her voice. She said it was ok, because she's my mother. She said it was okay to cry.
It not only helped me feel better after talking to her, but believe it or not, it helped her feel better too. I talked to her again later, when she called back to check on me. I kept apologizing- afraid it would cause her to only worry & get depressed; blame herself & feel helpless being thousands of miles away...
But she said I actually lifted her up. That before I called, she was planning to stay home all day & not eat because she had no appetite. But after I called, she left the house, went to church & had lunch.
I think she actually felt good being needed by me, her daughter. Her oldest daughter that is notorious for being "strong" & not ever asking for help...
For once, since maybe when I was a child- I cried to my mom & she was there to console me. Even over the phone I could feel her hugging & caressing me, telling me everything's going to be alright.
I was able to come back downstairs & say goodbye to the family after that. We watched the video again later with just us; Sissy, Bella & Daddy. We cried & smiled remembering all the good times but more importantly, we promised to keep going on. To continue to support & love one another....
And then my mouse, out of the blue, Sissy announced she was going to your room. It was the first time since you passed. :(
Bella went in with her at first, but then left her alone to be with you. She said, "Mommy, Sissy's talking to Hailey. She wants to be alone with her."
When she finally came out, a long while later....she came to hug me & we both cried again- new fresh tears of hurt. But I was also glad & proud of her for being so brave. I know it was hard. While the rest of us have been in your room, she hasn't. We never pressured her...I knew she would in her own time or if she never did that would be ok too.
But in a way it was a big step towards healing my mouse. I know that whatever conversation she had with you, it helped her immensely. I know it helps me when I'm missing you badly...like the night before when I slept on your bed. Remembering your last night at the hotel sleeping with me & Daddy- I longed for you- any part of you to have you close to me again. Being on your bed, with your scent on your covers & blankets....
I know it may sound crazy, but only a bereaved parent could understand. Or a bereaved sibling too. We all miss you like that sometimes. :(
****
Our sweet girl- I thank God for all the blessings of the day. I thank you, our angel. I thank our family & friends....
Everyone who's been there for us, in the beginning, in between & now...
We will try & start again this year as we did the last: One minute, one hour, one day at a time.
We promise to try & look to our blessings & not our downfalls.
To wear our pain as armor, not use it as a handicap.
To continue to choose love.
To try & keep our hearts & minds open so that they could continue to heal....
To remember we don't have to look far to find you, because you are always in our hearts.
To miss you each & everyday, until we see you again, our sweet angel.
We love you always.
Forever & ever,
Your mommy
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