Memories can be a beautiful thing, but they can also be painful. I'm thankful to have them & to have lived them, but to know that they are now just in the past....and no more can be made (with you in them), breaks my heart.
I usually look forward to seeing my daily FB memories. My determination to keep your memories alive have been my main drive in writing these letters, in keeping up with your FB page & in all the awareness campaigns. It helps me too, knowing that they might help others. Just like there is so much beauty in this world, there is also so much heartache & pain. We are all in need of some kind of help, in some way or another.
But the reason all the recent memories have been so painful, is because they are the last few we have of you. It makes me really sad on one hand, to make this realization. But thankful on another...because they are special memories.
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| Freedom Center with the girls. You begged me to take you all then thanked me, "Thank you Mommy, you're the best mom in the whole world!" Always my little mermaid. |
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| Hiking with Auntie & the boys at Scott's Run- Great Falls. Those are the walking sticks with secret special powers- a game you all created while hiking. |
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| <3 |
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| The view from the top. |
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| A few days later: Spring Break- hiking with your cousins at Great Falls. |
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| Then Easter at our house. We couldn't go to Grandma's because we were getting ready for the trip & I had no extra days off...so Uncle Grumpy drove down with the girls. He almost didn't- but later recalled saying something told him he should... |
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| Last memories. Group pic after Easter egg hunt. <3 |
I even made Uncle C's favorite Bolivian meal while he was here.
And yours- Silpancho. You weren't a big meat eater but you loved it. It was one of your favorites & your sisters too...
At least you got to eat it one last time. Even if it wasn't in Bolivia. :(
There's always going to be that internal struggle inside all of us baby girl- the side that wants to break down looking back at all these memories. And then the side that makes us happy & elated to have these memories to look back on, in the first place.
I struggle constantly, but it's been worse these last few days. As you can see, you were so happy in these pics. So alive. And to think in just a couple weeks....
That's the hardest part to deal with when I look at these pictures. :(
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Like so many times before, I have to remind myself about all the good & try to push all the bad far from my mind. When I feel like I'm going to fall, I have to tighten my grip harder around the very thing that keeps us from falling- love. Remind ourselves of the reasons to keep going...
It's not easy baby girl. I don't know what to expect in the next couple of weeks. I just know it will be even harder.
I mentioned all of this to the support group- Families of Type 1 Diabetic Losses. I told them about the anniversary coming up- then your bday & Mother's day. I said how I wish I could fall asleep now & not wake up until June....
Those who have been through it & are further down this journey said that sometimes the weeks leading up to "the day" are sometimes worse than the actual day itself. To take the time off to do whatever I need to do; to not only grieve on that day but to celebrate on the others...that it's ok. That I'm allowed to feel & do whatever is needed to get through. And that of course they are there if I need them.
I know I'm not alone. We are not alone. I remind myself of all this my mouse.
That we can still have memories with you being there. Maybe not physically, but in spirit, you are always there.
And you will always be.... smiling sweetly & brightly as ever, with your sisters by your side. <3
I love & miss you,
With all my heart.
Forever,
Your mommy
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