Lost Dreams

My beautiful girl,

It's going to be another sleepless night, when everyone else is in bed & I am wide awake, thinking of you. I should be tired after a day like today. But I need to write to you. There is always so much I need to say.

Today was a good day. The sun was out & I took Rocky out for a long walk & saw 2 beautiful yellow Haileyflies. :) The first one flew right in front of us & fluttered around close enough for Rocky to try & eat it. He does the same thing with mosquitos (sometimes I think he's half reptile :). The second fluttered around somebody's garden as we were passing it. It made me smile.

Last night I went to bed crying because I saw the video one of the moms from our Type One support group put together of all the children that we know of so far, that have passed from the disease. There are so many my mouse....and to see your smiling face included among so many, broke my heart.

They are from Australia. After her daughter Danii passed away, she formed Danii's Foundation-  http://danii.org.au/type-1-diabetes/ . They advocate awareness & management of Type 1. She is very inspirational. She asked our permission to include our angels in her video so we can use it to spread awareness. It's not finished yet, but it's beautiful & sad. It will be ready the middle of June & we can share it then.

After watching it, I laid there on my bed, praying & talking to you. I asked if you could send me a little sign because it's been a while. Then today, I saw my butterflies. My Haileyflies.

Thank you my sweet angel.

.........

I wanted to tell you that last week Papi was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. :(

We are sad & worried. Thankfully, he still has a chance to reverse it, if he follows the diet & exercise plan. I went with him to pick up his medication & Glucose kit at Target. The pharmacist explained how to use it, demonstrated by pricking his finger & putting the drop of blood on the strip, inserted it into the Glucose meter that read his sugar level- 122. Papi hadn't eaten yet.

The whole time I felt the knot in my chest tighten, my mouse. I knew I would have used the same meter for you. When the pharmacist said that anything above 200 is considered high- Papi & me must of been thinking the same thing, because on our way out he asked if yours was 500 at the hospital. Yes, it was over 500. He remembered. He remembered too how our last night together, during dinner, you refused to eat but you finished a tall glass of ice cream at Dumbo's. It's the last picture I have of you....smiling holding that stupid glass. :( :( How many times have I cried remembering that night? Blaming myself...

I'm sorry to bring it up baby girl. Papi & I were both really sad thinking about it.

.......

So not only does he have diabetes now, but he's also going back to Bolivia right after we see Mikey. He's been planning the trip for a while & each time he's brought it up, I've been quiet about it,  just listening to him talk. I didn't tell him what I really think or how I really feel.

I'm not mad or offended. Surprised. Hurt. Those are just some words that pop up. Surprised that he would go so soon. Hurt thinking about all the memories there, still fresh in our minds, in our wounds. I understand he has his own personal reasons. After all, he had different reasons for going last year & he never got any of them accomplished. Instead, he was right there by our side.

But just the idea of going back....just hearing the word Bolivia. It pains me more than words can explain. I'm forever traumatized. I don't think I could ever go back there, Hailey. Not ever. Not unless there was an emergency with my Mom. Even then, I couldn't go alone.

It used to be so different. I used to feel pride saying I was from there. I had ideas & dreams about visiting long term one day. About travelling all over my home country, getting to know my culture, seeing all the marvelous places I've seen only in pictures or heard about through my Dad's stories....

But now I know, that will never happen. All those dreams seem so distant now.

All I can remember is the hospital & everything we had to deal with after.... & it was horrible. Although the memories will forever haunt me, going back would only give them life again. That is all I can say about that for now....

I know Papi had dreams too, that won't ever become reality. He realizes that now, & I know he feels broken up about it. He has been chasing those dreams for as long as I've known him. It's what always kept him going. But he has other reasons to keep him going now & I hope he remembers that too.

.......

My beautiful angel, we will always be haunted by the memories. They come whether they are welcome or not. Even when I try to force them away...they come anyway.

We will always have lost dreams, because we are given just this one life without enough time to make them all come true.

But we still have reason to go on. While we are here, we can still remember the good memories & make new ones. We can let go of our lost dreams & make new ones.

You have taught me that.

I hope Papi enjoys his trip. I wish he wasn't going alone. I hope he takes care of himself. I will try & force all the bad thoughts from my mind & pray that everything works out.

If you can, precious angel, please look out for him.
Please ask God to look out for him too.

I love & miss you with all my heart. Every single day.

I will go to sleep now, hoping to dream of you.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy