Today you would of woke up being 12 years old. I wonder if you would of felt older. I wonder if you still wouldn't mind us calling you mouse. I wonder if you'd still love to play with your babies or collect stuffed animals or play teacher. I have a feeling the answer is no, you wouldn't of minded us calling you mouse & yes, you would still love to play with your babies & animals. Even as you grew older, you were always a child at heart. In all the dreams I've had of you, you are always a couple years younger.
I can't go to sleep tonight without telling you how special your birthday turned out. Even though the inevitable wave of grieve hit; it wasn't enough to overpower the amount of love we have for you little girl. I am reminded daily of how truly powerful love can be.
The first thing we did when we got up yesterday morning was to go to your room to wish you happy birthday. I had bought you a few things here & there to save for this day. It seems like every time I see an angel, butterfly or mermaid...I have an impulse to buy it. I just can't help it. I can imagine in a few years, you needing a bigger room. :)
Then your sisters & I made French Toast for breakfast. We lit your candle & placed it on your placemat & said a little prayer to you before eating. I let them stay home with me because they said they wouldn't be able to concentrate at school...and maybe too because I didn't want to be alone. It worked out because they helped me by making your double layer chocolate cake using Papi's recipe for frosting, which tastes just like cool whip. They did a really great job. :)
While they were doing that, I was pounding out all the meat for the silpancho. I made enough for us, Papi & his crew, Auntie & hers, Tio B & his, and Alina & hers. It was a lot of meat & it took me all morning...with my back hurting & my arm tired but it was worth it. Everyone came & we had a small feast in your name. The kids were so excited knowing it was your birthday & they sung happy birthday to you loud enough for you to hear in Heaven- but we knew very well you were here in spirit. I couldn't help but shed a little tear when they blew your candles out.
I'm so glad we had a chance to celebrate your life this way, baby girl. I wasn't really feeling up to much- losing sleep the last two nights with the grief that was taking over by missing you. I was tired & heartbroken. But then mid-morning, just before I started preparing the meat- I get an email from this extraordinary man. Tom Karlya- "Diabetes Dad". I didn't get a chance to tell you that I talked to him just days after your one year angelversary. The dad of two kids with Type 1, who helped Reegan's mom pass Reegan's Rule. He's much more than that actually & he proved it to me, by writing this article on his website. His email to me yesterday morning was to tell me about the article & to let us know he was thinking of us & you- not only on your birthday, but on his too.
This is the actual article:
A Little Girl Who Lost a Battle........But in Her Name, the War Will Be Won......On Her Birthday. http://diabetesdad.org/2016/05/05/a-little-girl-who-lost-a-battle-but-in-her-name-the-war-will-be-won-on-her-birthday/
I'm sure you knew, it was exactly what I needed to lift me up from my saddened stupor, my angel. I read it through the blur of my tears & was immediately uplifted. It gave me a new sense of hope & reason to go on. I was able to get back on my feet & stay on them for the next 3 to 4 hours preparing & cooking for your birthday celebration.
The people that surround us will not let us sink baby girl. And I know you & God have a lot to do with that. I know our loved ones; family & friends who pray for our strength do too. We are really blessed.
Even complete strangers like this mom I just recently met through our FB support group- who lost her young son to Type 1 & who is now a big advocate in her state....
She wrote me this message when I shared to our group about your birthday:
There are just no words, my mouse as this says it all.
After reading it, I was speechless with gratitude & I was able to fall asleep feeling peace in my heart.
There is power in love & kindness. It's amazing what just a few words of kindness can mean to someone. Between strangers, between grieving moms, between anybody.
I've only really learned this, this past year baby girl. It's not just something cliché to say or just words used to help sell Hallmark cards...It's very real. If I had to think of anything positive that came from losing you my sweet angel- anything that I could remotely call a "gift"- it would be that.
To me, it's the definition of everything good that exists in this world. It's the definition of beauty, hope & God.
My only question is, why do we have to suffer first before we can see it for what it is? Why can't this "gift" be bestowed on us since birth? Just imagine how different the world would be.
I hope it's the world you live in now, my sweet girl.
To imagine I would be realizing this gift, on your birthday.....the world truly works in mysterious ways.
........
You were beautiful, you were loved & you lived.
If I could just remember those words every time a new wave hits...
I will be able to find my way back to you each time.
...........
Alina said yesterday, "I wonder what outfit she would of been wearing for her birthday. She was always so fashionable." We both agreed that it would be pretty regardless, that you would of looked beautiful wearing it with high heels of course & your hair done.
We imagined you this way & it brought a smile to our faces.
I'm sure you were looking gorgeous in Heaven baby girl.
We love you so much.
All the way up to the sky, around the universe & back.
Forever,
Your mommy <3
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