Needing a break

My beautiful girl,

It seems like the world around us is getting crazier, as we try to stay sane in our own little world. Maybe watching the news late at night is not the best thing...

It's just hard to ignore, wrong even, to close our eyes to all the suffering going on. But what can we do but the best we can within our own circles; to be kind & love as much as we can. Help, when we can.

But as much as I've been trying to live by that motto, I don't pretend to be a saint, baby girl. This has been a rough week for me. I've not been in the best mood. Not only was it a long work week, but your sister's first full vacation week too. As much as I like having them home & as much as they try to help with chores, etc....I find myself trying to entertain them in the evenings after they've been bored at home during the day. That means running around when I'm off work instead of being able to relax at home...

It reminds me of all the summers before, when you girls would depend on me to take you to the park, pool, movies, out to eat, etc...after working a full day and just wanting to relax. I guess I'm not getting any younger & I get tired easier. I try & remind myself of how I would go back to those days in a heartbeat, to have all 3 of you little again, by my side. However hard work it was, I would do it again & again, over & over without giving it a second thought.

I miss those days & I know that as time passes, I will miss them more & more. Even these days, having your sisters by my side, I know I will one day miss too. :(

You must of been reading my mind, my angel. Because today, while feeling tired, frustrated & overwhelmed at not getting everything done that needed to be done....I saw my Haileyfly.

We had just ordered dinner for pick up at the pizza place by the old apartments, because we had no time to make dinner, because we had no time to go grocery shopping, & so on & on... it was just one of those weeks. I was yelling at your sisters about something & there it was, a yellow Haileyfly that swooped down to us, touching Bella's cheek (she was the closest to me & the one I was directing my anger to at the moment)...it flew by Sissy & then disappeared.

I stopped, closed my eyes & I could almost hear you say..."Mommy, it's ok. Calm down. Breathe. It's going to be ok." And I did my mouse. I took a big breath & then looked up at the sky to look for you, like I always do, looking for answers...& I knew I just needed a small break.

Daddy was home from work early, we ate dinner & then I went upstairs to read. That always helps clear my mind. I told Daddy & your sisters I just needed some me time, to let me read in peace & then disappear from the living room at 9pm to let me watch the season finale of Game of Thrones. And they did, sorta. :)

......

My sweet girl. Uncle Chris & the girls are driving down tomorrow & staying a few days. I guess I was stressed about getting the house ready too, which we really didn't get a chance to do. But like Sissy reminded me of, it's ok Mommy- they are family. They won't care. Which I responded my usual, yes, but I care. So I let it go. Some things you just have to let go...

Like my other famous saying goes, I'm only one person. :]

I'm glad they'll be visiting. It's been since your angelversary. :(  I'll still have to work, but at least your sisters won't be bored at home. Hopefully the weather cooperates & they can go swimming & maybe even go to Kings Dominion with Daddy on his day off. I'll get to hang out with Rocky after work.

I took him to see your tree the other day my mouse. I still love my walks with him in the mornings (which have been getting earlier & earlier because of the heat). I wanted to make sure the beetles weren't eating it up. :(

It's grown so much.

See the carved heart made of wood we hung?

Rocky resting under the shade of your tree. :)

I go check your tree from time to time.
In the beginning of Spring, we brought a bag of mulch for your tree & Conner's too.
Daddy helped lay the mulch down on both trees.

I read a post the other day from a mom, on one of the bereaved parents groups on FB saying that everyone thinks she's a crazy person for telling the cemetery to stop mowing around her son's grave, because every time she visits, the headstone is covered with dirt & grass. :(

That even though they are still making her pay for maintenance every month, she goes with her husband weekly to cut the grass & pull the weeds....

She asked if we thought she was crazy too.

We all answered no. Of course not. That it drives us crazy too & makes us sad when we find our children's headstones or plaques covered in grass. That we stop by frequently during the summer months specially with a towel & a water bottle to clean off the dirt & grass.

Another mom made a good point in saying that- we will never stop being parents, even though our children have passed on. That taking care of their graves is an example of this. That it's one of the few things we can still do for them...

I thought about that while standing there looking at your tree, my angel. I thought about us bringing the mulch, & making sure the beetles don't ruin it...

About all the times we've been to the gardens to decorate for all the seasons & occasions, with our towel & water bottle.

I've heard this being called a "grieving ritual"....but now that I think about it, I think that mom is right. It's just us being parents. Parents who've lost their child. We're not crazy. Only we can understand what that means & how that feels.

And we'll always be your parents my mouse. And your sisters. We'll never stop caring for you & loving you. Not ever. As long as I'm alive, you'll always have the prettiest plaque with the prettiest flowers. I'm sure your sisters too one day, when they get older.

We will always remember.

We will always miss & love you.

Forever & ever,

Your mommy

Goodnight. <3