Selena G./One day at a time

Dear baby girl,

We've been pretty busy these past few weeks. The days continue, even though sometimes I'd like to press the pause button.

But I try to remember to stay thankful. Our days are busy with good things. Sissy is done with school as of today. She is officially a sophomore in high school! Scary...I can't believe it. Bella's last day is tomorrow. She has just a half day, technically she could stay home but she wants to go. She loves school, just like you did. I'm glad for it & hope it lasts. She will be a 5th grader...like you.

You would of been finishing 6th grade. I remember being in 6th grade, a lifetime ago. So young...to think that your life ended so young. I'm sorry my angel, it's just hard for me still. I see the kids your age waiting for the bus in the mornings when I walk Rocky sometimes & in the afternoon when I come home from work. It's like a stab in the heart each time.

I don't think I will ever stop wondering, what it would be like....

......

Daddy & I told your sisters during dinner last night, how proud we are of them. We know this has been a hard year. Not only with us but school too. They've worked so hard to maintain their grades. We try & reward them by doing fun things.

A couple of weeks ago, I took them to see Selena Gomez in concert. Of course, we remembered the last time we saw her with you at the Patriot Center. Your sisters said they knew you were there this time too, probably hanging out back stage with her. :)

It was fun. I sat with Bella & Sissy had pit tickets with her friend Arian. They were right up front. This was her bday gift from last year. :)

Selena Gomez 2013- Patriot Center

Selena back then

<3

Selena G. 2016

We didn't get a pic with Sissy but she got a lot of Selena up close. We were thinking of you baby girl. We wore our bracelets in your honor. I imagined you dancing right along with Bella...maybe not on top of the seat like she was, but dancing either way. ;-) <3

Bella's purple angel bracelet Loni gave her.

Mine

......

Last weekend Sissy went to her friends quincenera & took Bella with her. Then we had grilled out for Auntie's bday Sunday. Papi came back from Bolivia. This Sunday is Father's Day. I have to make a vet apt for Rocky to get some vaccines, then I need to schedule eye & health exams for us, dental too....I'm going to teach Sissy how to drive this summer....! Sometimes I get so overwhelmed thinking too far ahead in the future baby girl.

I know time goes on. I know staying busy helps us not to stay stuck. But I can feel how fragile we are still yet. Or at least me. I can feel the anxiety build up when there's too much on my plate. I can feel myself still healing. So only going day by day helps...

Grief doesn't just stop or work with our schedule. So we have to learn to make room for it. To live it with it. To compartmentalize, as they say. The only way is to breathe in between...to stop & pray. Stop & think. Stop & cry.

When I go on my walks with Rocky as the sun rises or sets, I let myself think. I let the peace sink in. When I visit you at the gardens or visit your room, I let myself feel.

At night, right before bed, I write then pray. No matter what's happened during the day, my heart & mind turn to you. Even though I hurt, even though I may cry, I still look forward to it, just like I do these letters. All of it helps me heal...even if it's the tiniest bit at a time.

We grieve because we love. And we love you so much.

We don't know what tomorrow will bring, my mouse. I still can't plan anything too far in advance. Maybe this one day at a time, is the way it will always be. But I'm ok with that. But it's worked so far.

The only thing I can absolutely look forward to, in a far off future, is to see you again.

I don't get overwhelmed with that thought. It makes my heart happy. I will look forward to it, for the rest of my days, my sweet angel.

You are always in my dreams, on my mind & in my heart.

Forever & ever,
Your mommy <3