Sisters

Dear Hailey,

Today for Auntie's bday I posted this pic on my Facebook wall...

I was showing Bella in the car before I dropped her off at school & she said, "That would of been me & Hailey. "

It instantly broke my heart to hear say that because the thought crossed my mind earlier this morning as I was putting together the collage of pics. :(

I was immediately in tears. I hugged her hard, not knowing what to say. But I told her, at the same time trying to convince myself, that you will always be with her & Sissy. That even though they can't see you, you are there by their side. I told her I was sorry. That I wish it was different & that I could take her pain away.

It made me sad all day my mouse. Sometimes I feel so defeated, too exhausted of trying to stay strong. Because the reality is it hurts to know that it's true what your sister said. It broke my heart remembering how inseparable you were. Remembering her exact words in the beginning, in between sobs saying, "But we were supposed to grow up together...we were going to visit each other's houses & have our kids play together when we got older..."

I know. I know baby girl & it breaks my heart. Because that's the way I always pictured it with the three of you. That's the way it was supposed to be. When I think of a lifetime without my sis, I can't even bear it. :(

I just told her that she has to remember she still has Sissy & that they have to be there for each other & remain close forever. That no one can take away the memories they have with you & can still create new ones with you in it.

I hope to God that they find a way to do that, my sweet girl. There's nothing I want more. I could care less about me...or Daddy for that matter. I mean in the way that... I know we'll survive somehow. But either way, half our lives have passed. As much as we've had our share of hardship in our lives, we've had our share of happiness too. Your sisters still have the rest of their lives ahead of them. They are too young to suffer for that long. I hope they can find peace & happiness after what's happened. I will pray everyday if I have to.

Their strength is what's kept us going, but I'm just afraid that like most of us...we sometimes get tired of being strong.

Bella has been going to see Mrs. Bowers (the councilor at school) In the mornings. It started with one morning about a month ago, we got to school early & she ran into her. Mrs. B invited her into her room to hang out before the bell rang. Bella said that they talked about you & other things in general, and she "felt much better" afterwards. Ever since, Bella forces us out the door so she can catch her before the bell rings.

She told me the other day, that "it's the only time I can talk about Hailey & it helps me the rest of the day." I'm so thankful for that. I asked her today again, after school, how her day went. She said she saw Mrs. B again & felt better for the rest of the day...

I hope that there will always be someone like Mrs. B in your sister's lives. Someone or something they can go to that will give them hope & strength for another day.

We miss you so much baby girl. I've cried a lot these last couple days. I wrote the piece for the article on Huffington Post Sunday night & I was in a daze Monday. We are supposed to be hearing back soon.

You are always on our minds my angel. I can't put into words how much we miss you. The emotions just pour out in tears.

We love you so much. Every single day.

Please watch over all of us, specially your sisters. I will say a special prayer tonight.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Forever,
Your mommy <3