Tio's 70th

My sweet angel,

Sometimes you have to just stop what you are doing & choose the one thing you want to do, instead of something you have to do...

Which is what I'm doing now. Because the only thing I really want to do, is write to you.

The term 'lazy summer days' hasn't really applied to us so far. Bella fractured her finger during Tio Gustavo's 70th birthday party Saturday evening. Bella was on the trampoline in Joey & Carole's backyard with some of the kids & she says Natalia landed on her hand, pushing her pinky all the way back. Of course it was an accident & even though she cried for about 30 minutes, she was right back on that trampoline later. You know your sister.

Her fracture wasn't confirmed until the next evening; on Father's Day; in urgent care; because Bella opted to see Finding Dori during the day instead. Again, you know your sister. She's a toughie. They gave her pain meds, a splint & buddy taped her pinky to her ring finger & she was good to go. :)

Besides that, we had a really good time at Tio's party. I actually danced my mouse....it's been a while. It was nice to let loose a little & have some fun. Some of us were dancing, some were playing soccer outside, some were on the trampoline & some were watching one of the soccer matches on TV. By the time Tio went to blow out his candles, most of us were drenched in sweat! The most important thing is that Tio had a great time & we got him good. He was genuinely surprised & even got a little choked up & teary eyed. That was the good part.

The bad part is, that all the while inside me, I noticed you were missing. And even though it's probably not so, it felt like I was the only one to notice...which made it hurt even more. Even though I pictured you on the trampoline with your sisters, or doing "the Nene" with Madeline & Selma...or smiling away when it was time for cake....even though I knew you were with us in spirit, I also felt that empty space where you would normally be.

I'm sorry baby girl, but it's true. I tried not to think about it. But in between the smiles & the laughs, the thought made its way deep in to my heart, piercing it every inch of the way...

That by the time we were drove home that night, with the stars & the moon following us home....passing the gardens on the way back, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I had this image of us dancing, smiling & having a grand time while your ashes were laying there in your grave...And then the tears came rolling down & they just wouldn't stop.

Forgive me my angel. That is what I kept repeating...forgive me for these thoughts. Forgive me for dancing & having a good time when you can't. Then I turned to your sisters & told them sorry too. For crying, for bringing them down & ruining their night when we had such a good day...

Bella, who was sitting on the passenger's seat next to me, wiped my tears & laid her head on my shoulder, saying it was ok. "It's ok Mommy. Hailey was there with us. Don't feel bad. She would want us to have fun. It's ok Mommy, we love you."

Oh my sweet girl. It was the first time I really felt this way. In the beginning specially, I was the one to say those words to her or Sissy & really mean them. I don't know why this time it was different. I can't explain it. It was like I felt guilty for having fun without you & I felt guilty for having these thoughts to begin with.

All I could blame it on really is that I just miss you so much. That even though I know you are with us, even though I know you would want us to continue living.....there are just some days that the grief over losing you & missing you takes over any rational thoughts or feelings. I am too weak to fight it & have no choice but to surrender.

Even now, as I type this letter to you, I can feel it overcome my every fiber & the tears don't stop.

All I could do is pray, like I did on Sunday- Father's Day when we went to visit you & then again Monday after work, just before sunset- when I couldn't let the day pass without stopping by with some new flowers....Monday, the 20th, which marked 14 months.

And then today again, my mouse.

All we could do is pray. I pray for strength to get us through the day. I pray for the safety & health of our family. I pray God watch over us & over you- his angel in Heaven, until I see you again.

I love you baby girl.

I'll have to tell you about Father's Day later, ok?

Until I see you again, I can't wait.

Forever,
Your mommy